Signs You Might Be a Helicopter Mom and What to Do About It

It may not be an exaggeration to say that parenting in today’s world is a delicate balancing act that requires wisdom, grace, and a heaping of courage. The balancing act mainly consists of wanting to protect our children from the very real harm and dangers out there, while also trying to help them grow into capable, independent, and faithful adults. For some moms, they may err on the side of what has become known as being a “helicopter mom.”

The instinct to protect those we care about, especially our kids, can morph into something that’s unhealthy. Being a helicopter parent is what happens when that instinct to protect tips into over-involvement.

What is a helicopter mom (or parent)?

Likely due to social media and other factors, the phenomenon of helicopter parenting is more closely associated with moms. It’s important to keep in mind that moms and dads can both be helicopter parents. One way to understand what a helicopter mom or parent is would be to think of it as a parent who constantly hovers over their child’s life. The term comes from how a helicopter circles and hovers over the ground, ready to land when needed.

When it comes to helicopter parenting, it’s about hovering over a child’s life, controlling, monitoring, and intervening excessively at the first sign of difficulty or trouble. This could look like managing your child’s friendships, double-checking every homework assignment, negotiating your child’s conflicts, and shielding the child from failure or disappointments in life.

Helicopter parenting doesn’t seem egregious at first glance. After all, parents are meant to care for their children, and the love a parent has for their child should well up in the desire to protect them. The main challenge with helicopter parenting, which will be explored a bit more later, is that it can prevent a child from being resilient, from developing problem-solving skills, and from developing a sense of independence.

Proverbs 22:6 (ESV) says, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it”. This implies giving guidance, and not over-controlling or taking the initiative and the possibility of failure away from the child.

You can imagine a coach training someone and taking over during the game when things start going wrong. You train a team or individual so that they can play the game by themselves, win or lose.

Some Reasons for Helicopter Parenting

There are a few core drivers behind helicopter parenting, and understanding these can help you begin to name and explore some of your own challenges with maintaining a healthy balance.

One core driver behind helicopter parenting is fear and anxiety. This takes many forms and is rooted in several concerns, and it includes a fear of your child experiencing negative consequences. A parent could worry that their child may miss out on opportunities if they fail a class or if their resume is anything short of perfect. College admissions and the job market are competitive, and so the fear is that your child will be excluded unless they perform.

Another core driver for helicopter parenting is anxiety for the well-being of your child. This may not be as future-oriented as concerns for college or work. It could be anxieties about the child getting hurt on the playground or experiencing various social anxieties that lead a parent to view the world as more dangerous than it is.

Parents may be driven to helicopter parenting out of a desire to compete with others or even live through their children. A parent may begin to micromanage their child’s life if they tie their own identity and self-worth to their child’s milestones and achievements. Additionally, peer pressure is also a factor. If other parents are constantly managing their kids, to seemingly great success, that can create guilt and a felt need to try and keep up with them.

Lastly, helicopter parenting may also be driven by overcompensating. If you’re a mom who felt unsupported or neglected in your own childhood, that might drive you to provide the exact opposite experience for your child. In trying to avoid what you didn’t have, it’s possible to then go ahead and do too much, going over the line and becoming overinvolved in your child’s life.

The Impact of Helicopter Parenting on Your Child

There is a difference, though it can be subtle at times, between healthy parenting and helicopter parenting. Healthy parenting leads you to set healthy boundaries that help nurture your own and your child’s well-being. You teach your child godly wisdom and protect them from genuine dangers. There is real risk in the world; your child needs to learn online safety and how to navigate societal pressures. Vigilance is indeed quite necessary.

Helicopter parenting, on the other hand, becomes unhealthy precisely because it crosses the line from guidance and into over-control. As a child grows, the aim is to equip them to handle challenges, but helicopter parenting insulates a child from failure or discomfort.

An example of this difference might be holding a young child’s hand as you cross a busy road versus carrying them everywhere for fear they might trip. One is protection, while the other inhibits genuine growth.

Both the parent and child are negatively affected by helicopter parenting. For the helicopter mom, they will often feel exhausted and beset with constant anxiety. When you feel responsible for every outcome in your son or daughter’s life, you live in constant fear of their failure or harm. You’re finite, and you don’t know everything and can’t be everywhere. Taking on such a role can leave you burned out and frustrated, and it can result in tense family situations.

The child who is exposed to helicopter parenting can be affected in various ways. With fewer opportunities to learn it for themselves, they may become more dependent on others and develop poor problem-solving skills. Without the space to face challenges alone and learn through trial and error, the result may also be low confidence and anxiety.

When a child doesn’t face challenges, they are also deprived of the opportunity for spiritual growth. Difficult circumstances allow us to rely on the Lord for guidance and deliverance, and that opportunity is taken away from the child with a helicopter parent. Being subjected to helicopter parenting can also make a child feel smothered and incapable. Helicopter parenting communicates a lack of trust, and that can be damaging to the child.

Some Signs that You May Be a Helicopter Mom

Moving toward a healthier form of parenting requires that you first recognize the signs of helicopter parenting. Some signs to look out for include the following:

Intervening too quickly If you find yourself intervening at the first sign of your child struggling, whether it’s a difficult assignment or a playground disagreement, that could point to you being a helicopter mom.

Performing their tasks Frequently doing tasks your child could do themselves, like managing their social life, doing their school project, or packing their school bag, is another sign to look out for.

Feeling personally responsible Feeling responsible for their failures or achievements as if their performance reflects your worth as a person and parent, is a potential sign.

The child lacks independence If your child rarely makes decisions independently or seeks your approval for even the small choices they make, that too could also point to you being a helicopter parent.

Stepping Away from Helicopter Parenting

If any of the above signs resonated with you and seemed to describe your parenting style, what then can you do? There are steps you can take to begin moving toward a healthier form of parenting.

You can pray for wisdom and surrender your fears to the Lord. Release your fears to the Lord and ask Him for the wisdom you need to guide your child (Philippians 4:6-7; 1 Peter 5:6-7; James 1:5-8). You can gradually step back by choosing one area to allow your child greater independence, like resolving a minor conflict or managing their homework without your supervision. You don’t have to change everything all at once. Just take one step for now.

As you proceed, focus on giving guidance and not rescuing your child. Instead of solving their problems, ask guiding questions like “What could you do next?” or “How might you handle this differently?” This will teach them to solve their own problems.

A mental and emotional step you can take is to begin embracing failure and imperfection. Mistakes are a part of growth, and you should allow your child to fail in safe and small ways so that they build resilience. Our challenges help us grow stronger, and that’s what the Lord does for us as we go through difficulties (Romans 5:3-4; James 1:2-4).

You can celebrate progress by acknowledging when you let go and when your child takes steps toward greater independence. By focusing on gratitude, you displace fear and create even more room for faith.

Lastly, seek emotional support. Stepping back might trigger anxiety, and you can work through that with help from a Christian counselor. Talk with your counselor to not only lighten the emotional load, but also to recognize patterns of control and helicopter parenting. It is possible to learn to let go in a healthy way and nurture your child toward being the independent, capable adult that the Lord intended them to be.

Call our reception team or fill out an online contact form to schedule an appointment with a Christian counselor. Your journey into a fresh way to parent your children can begin today.