After the Affair: Recovering from the Devastation of Emotional Infidelity

Actions matter immensely, but it’s easy to underestimate the damage that words and thoughts can do. One of the many things that the Lord Jesus has taught us is to pay attention to both the root and the fruit of our actions.

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus addressed what people do, as well as the thoughts they think and words they utter. Lustful thoughts and angry words are as adultery and murder, He taught (Matthew 5:21-30).

Emotional Infidelity – What is it?

Perhaps you’ve encountered the term before, but emotional infidelity, which is also known as an emotional affair or emotional cheating, refers to a situation where one partner in a committed relationship forms a strong emotional connection with someone outside of the relationship. This emotional connection is meaningful enough to be a problem because it is a form of emotional intimacy reserved for the primary relationship.

It is possible to form unproblematic, strong emotional connections with people outside your relationship. After all, you can have those connections with friends, your siblings, parents, colleagues, and relatives. What makes the emotional connection problematic is when that connection becomes a rival or even a substitute for the connection in the committed relationship.

It can be challenging to pinpoint when an emotional connection becomes problematic. Still, hopefully, a look at some of the signs of emotional infidelity and its effects will help clarify matters.

For the person who’s been cheated on, part of the angst is in trying to understand if what’s happened is emotional infidelity or their own unhealthy insecurities taking the lead in the situation. It’s helpful to identify this form of infidelity when it occurs.

Some Signs of Emotional Infidelity

One of the reasons why it can be difficult to identify and define emotional infidelity is that there’s a complex interplay of personal perspectives, cultural norms, individual values, and agreed-upon boundaries that factor into it. Couples will have differing boundaries and expectations in their relationships, with the result that one partner may not consider emotional infidelity a breach of trust or lack of commitment.

However, this doesn’t mean that emotional infidelity is so nebulous that it can’t be defined, or that certain signs of it are not apparent. Recognizing the signs may be difficult, even for the person who’s caught up in it, because emotional infidelity often involves subtle and gradual changes in one’s emotions and behaviors.

Some signs that a line has been crossed include the following:

Prioritizing someone else’s needs If you consistently prioritize another individual’s emotional and other needs over your partner’s, it can create a rift in your relationship, and it’s a sign of emotional infidelity.

Secrets and hiding Hiding your interactions or conversations with someone who’s outside of your committed relationship or being secretive about your feelings or activities with that person is also indicative of emotional unfaithfulness. If loved ones or other people around you confront you about it, you’re likely to get defensive about the relationship, pointing to inappropriate interactions.

Feeling emotionally fulfilled by someone else If you find that you’re feeling emotionally fulfilled or validated by a third party outside of your relationship, that points to a growing emotional attachment and possible emotional infidelity.

Emotional intimacy with someone else Emotional intimacy is about sharing personal thoughts, feelings, or desires with another person who isn’t your partner or spouse. It creates a sense of emotional connection.

If you find yourself more eager to share your news, your highs, or your lows with this person first, and if their reaction matters more to you than that of your spouse or partner, that’s signaling emotional infidelity.

Fantasizing or idealizing Frequently fantasizing about or idealizing a relationship you have with someone outside of your partnership may also be a sign of emotional infidelity.

Comparing your partner to someone else If you consistently compare your partner unfavorably to someone else, that can indicate a growing emotional attachment to that person, which trumps your connection to your partner, pointing to emotional unfaithfulness.

Feeling guilty or anxious Crossing a line will often leave you feeling guilt, anxiety, or unease about your interactions or feelings toward the person you’re crossing the line with. Part of you knows, whether the lines and boundaries have been communicated clearly or not, that you’re likely doing something you’re not meant to be doing.

Lying or withholding information Emotional infidelity may also be an issue if you find yourself lying to your partner or withholding information about your interactions or feelings toward another person.

Time and energy spent Emotional intimacy requires time and energy to be expended. It may even result in using resources to maintain that connection, such as gifts, gas money to travel, or helping them with their financial concerns.

If you find yourself spending more time away from your spouse or partner and putting more energy into another relationship, you may have an issue with emotional infidelity.

It is important to act if you see one or more signs of emotional infidelity in your life. Stop and take a step back to consider your priorities, feelings, and behaviors. Assess for yourself what they are indicating about your motivations and boundaries. Ask yourself what the connection with the third party is providing you that the primary relationship is not: is it comfort, excitement, validation, or being seen and heard?

Being able to recognize the signs of emotional infidelity is the first step toward addressing the situation appropriately. An emotional affair can be devastating to a relationship by introducing distrust, siphoning energy away from the primary relationship, and causing confusion by blurring boundaries.

Finding Healing – Rebuilding and Recovery After Infidelity

One of the potential challenges with rebuilding a relationship after emotional infidelity is getting both parties on the same page. If there’s disagreement about whether boundaries have been violated and caused damage to the relationship, it makes it harder for the couple to find common ground. Both partners need to acknowledge the emotional infidelity and take responsibility for their own actions.

Rebuilding the relationship after infidelity requires open and honest communication about their experiences, needs, concerns, motivations, and feelings. The couple needs to talk about their individual and joint priorities and values, which will help them set clear boundaries and guidelines for what is and is not acceptable in the relationship. They should talk about the reasons why the infidelity took place.

Reestablishing emotional intimacy and trust takes time. It requires vulnerability, consistent behavior, reliably following through on commitments, and being willing to be transparent and emotionally available. Transparency and honesty are key, as the couple learns anew to share their feelings, desires, and needs with one another.

In addition to honesty and transparency, it’s important for each member of the couple to engage in self-reflection so that they can identify areas for growth in themselves as well as their relationship.

Through individual and couples therapy, both partners can heal as they work through the infidelity, gain insight into their relationship, rebuild trust, develop healthy coping strategies, and strengthen the relationship.

If your relationship has experienced emotional infidelity, reach out for help to address issues and concerns caused by it. Your counselor will come alongside you to help you find the healing and wholeness you desire. Contact our office today to learn more and to schedule an appointment.