Emotional Infidelity: Warning Signs and How to Stop

The idea that infidelity relates only to a physical extra-marital affair is invalidated by Jesus’ words in Matthew 5 when He says, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery’. But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:27-28, NIV)

Emotional infidelity takes place when a spouse turns their focus, time, and energy to another person other than the person they are married to. It may begin innocently enough, with a shared hobby, work project, or Bible Study, but then it shifts. If the person fulfills a need that is perceived as lacking in the marriage relationship, a level of emotional intimacy might be established that is inappropriate and adulterous.

The risk may not seem significant, however, most physical affairs begin in the mind first. Unsurprisingly, emotional affairs often result in a sexual relationship between the two people caught up in it.

In today’s technology-driven world, we are more connected with other people than ever before. It is easier to engage with someone through a device and be bold, opening the door to enticement than it would be if the interaction were face-to-face. The lines can seem blurred, and yet the outcome, the sin of infidelity, toward God and one’s spouse, is the same.

How do I know if Iam involved in emotional infidelity?

An emotional affair doesn’t start abruptly. It generally develops slowly over time as you spend time with a person of the opposite sex who isn’t your spouse. You might find yourself feeling slightly excited to see them, and even taking extra care in dressing before you meet up. Gradually, the emotional aspect of the relationship resembles and replaces what you would otherwise have shared with your spouse.

It might come as a shock to realize that you have been involved in something that seems quite innocent on the surface. Once again, it all comes down to a matter of the heart. If you consider your heart and find yourself feeling guilty, then chances are that emotional infidelity is a threat or is already at play.

Given that our hearts are deceitful above all things (Jeremiah 17:9) it might be difficult to distinguish whether your interaction constitutes cheating or adultery. You can use the metaphor of windows or walls to evaluate the situation.

The windows test is to imagine that someone is looking in through the window and seeing what is happening between you and your friend. Would they deem the behavior appropriate? The walls test is another sanity check that involves you considering whether you would want to cover up anything taking place and hide behind a wall should your spouse walk past. If you feel a need to maintain secrecy, then it is evident that you have something to hide.

If these two tests reveal something, it is important to acknowledge where you’re at and make the decision to not act on your desires, which can easily manipulate and rule over us.

Warning signs of a spouse engaging in emotional infidelity

What if you’re on the other side of the fence with growing suspicions that your spouse is guilty of emotional infidelity? In a marriage, there should be privacy but no secrets. You should never feel that your spouse is deliberately deleting messages from their phone or concealing appointments from you.

If they are, it is worth confronting them about it early so that the damage is minimized, and you can consider some counseling to improve the levels of love and respect in the marriage.

Another warning sign that your spouse has shifted their emotional attention away from the marriage is if they spend less time with you or at home than they otherwise would. While any hobby or enjoyable activity can start to demand more of our time than is perhaps helpful for a marriage, if there is a person of the opposite sex whom they seem to spend a large number of hours with, this would be a clear warning sign.

When people engage in emotional infidelity, they might start to view their spouse in a more negative light, when compared with the attentiveness of their newfound delight. This might make them more critical of you than they have otherwise been in the past, so behavior changes can also signal something is not right in the marriage.

Of course, it is not a single alarm bell to infidelity, but when considered as a broader picture, a change in disposition can be another way of discerning what is happening.

How to end or prevent emotional infidelity

An affair can be intoxicating and addictive, which is why the best way to end one – either physical or emotional – is to run from it as soon as you get the first hint of a relationship that goes beyond platonic. This does not mean cutting off ties with the person involved, which can be difficult, especially in the work context.

However, it does mean setting firm boundaries and holding yourself accountable in ways such as how you spend your time with the other person and taking your thoughts captive so they don’t go to places they should not.

It also means being honest with yourself about your feelings. It is important to take the matter to the Lord in prayer, asking for forgiveness and for help in establishing clear boundaries with the person you feel attracted to, who is not your spouse.

This model of fleeing from the situation of temptation is best seen in Genesis 39, which is what Joseph did when he was cornered by Potiphar’s wife: “She caught him by his garment, saying, ‘Lie with me.’ But he left his garment in her hand and fled and got out of the house.” (Genesis 39:12, ESV)

If you have already crossed the line, and want to end the emotional affair, you will need to chat openly with both your spouse and the person you’ve been involved with, letting them know that the situation is going to change, and you will need to put the appropriate checks in place to ensure the affair is no longer flamed.

This will take courage to draw firm lines in this way, but will be the best way to preserve the covenant of your marriage, before God and before your spouse.

Rebuilding the marriage relationship

Emotional infidelity causes the same rupture in a marriage as physical infidelity does, depending on how deeply the adultery runs. While the hurt and pain caused can break a marriage apart, and the infidelity means that, biblically speaking, divorce is permitted, there is always hope for a broken marriage to be repaired if both spouses are willing to put in the hard work required.

If the infidelity was nipped in the bud, it might be a case of reinvesting in the marriage and rebuilding pathways to connection. This might include committing to regular date nights, and perhaps reading a good marriage book together, to rebuild the foundations of a committed partnership.

Emotional infidelity counseling

The journey toward restoring a marriage damaged by emotional infidelity can be challenging, and fraught with pain and tension. Even the most committed couple can struggle to achieve the forgiveness necessary to eliminate ongoing resentment. A trained Biblical counselor can walk this road with a couple, encouraging them and challenging them with God’s Word.

While it is not something that anyone would wish to experience, the truth is that God works in and through our messy situations, to redeem and restore. Many couples have testified to the fact that by being able to work through some sort of incident of infidelity, they have emerged stronger in their love and commitment to each other than ever before.

If, however, the unfaithful spouse is not able to commit to restoration and falls repeatedly into the same patterns of behavior, it will be important for their partner to continue counseling, and work toward a plan that ensures that the covenant of marriage is not being made a mockery of through their spouse’s actions. This might mean ending the marriage.

Counseling is a helpful resource no matter where your marriage is on the emotional fidelity spectrum. As a Christian counselor, I am here to help you through your unique situation. Contact me today for support and help for your marriage.