Conflict Management: Correcting Your Children

Parenting is a wonderful blessing, full of cuddles, giggles, and memories. Still, it has its challenges. It’s often thought of as being the most rewarding challenge a person can ever undertake.

Children are God’s blessing to parents, and those blessings don’t come without responsibility. The Bible tells us to be mindful of our parenting. It encourages parents to “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6, ESV)

Training Your Child

On the surface, this command seems simple. You just guide your children toward godly living. But the reality of parenting is far more complex than what can be summarized in a single sentence.

If God has given you children to raise in the proper ways of Christian living, then He should also give you concrete directions on how to do that, right? Thankfully, He has! The Bible is the guide you need. It offers principles that help parents properly shape their children’s character and values.

But it doesn’t give a step-by-step instructional guide for every situation you’ll encounter in today’s world. How exactly does “training up a child” look? Clear, level-headed, Scripturally-bound behavior correction is key to changing behavior while maintaining a healthy, loving, parent-child relationship.

The day-to-day decision-making and training are often open to interpretation. Because there are so many different types of family dynamics, religious influences, cultural norms, and personality dynamics at play, raising a child in the right pathway isn’t always straightforward and concrete.

Correcting Your Child

This is a hot-button topic in many Christian circles. Many parents are familiar with the phrase about sparing the rod and spoiling the child from Proverbs 13:24. This is often used as a call for physical punishment or even a justification for abuse in some extreme religious communities. But is that what it really means?

Historical Context

To truly understand the directive of this statement, you must also understand the historical context. Historically, the famous rod from this verse referred to a shepherd’s staff. It symbolized the guidance and correction that shepherds showed when using it, not necessarily physically hitting their sheep.

Shepherds used the rod to guide, direct, and protect their sheep, not to injure them. They would use the curved part of their staff to capture a sheep if it was going off course or toward danger. This process wouldn’t hurt the sheep, just redirect them.

Over the course of time, and because of various prominent religious leaders with varying degrees of power struggles and misguided knowledge, this verse has been widely misinterpreted. Some have used God’s command for loving redirection to justify harsh, authoritarian parenting. Many use it to demand obedience from their children regardless of the emotional cost. Some have even hidden behind it to justify violence.

Today, we can apply the historical context of this verse, along with our most current psychological research, to better understand how it applies to the process of raising children. With this more balanced interpretation, parents should use the Bible to guide and nurture their children, not to hit them over the head with it.

Correction is Necessary

There has to be a balance and the application of common sense to training your child. You can’t just allow them to do whatever they want with no boundaries or corrections. If this were the case, your inquisitive toddler might wander off into a busy street or touch a hot stove.

These are the situations where the emotional cost of correction is outweighed by the importance of teaching a valuable lesson. Correction of the behavior with a biblical explanation behind it will help instill God’s instruction in a calm, reassuring manner.

The Cost of Harsh Correction

Most modern Christian psychologists do not advocate spanking as a first line of discipline. While the Bible mentions discipline and correction, research shows that inappropriately administered physical punishment is linked to increased aggression, anxiety, and a damaged parent-child relationship.

Even harsh verbal correction such as yelling, insulting, or responding in anger comes at a cost. No matter how right you are and how wrong you think your children are, if you’re correcting another person, there is a cost to it. That cost may show up in the betrayal you see in their eyes, or it could be more subtle than that. But there is a cost. You’re making a withdrawal from their emotional bank account, and you have to decide if it’s worth it.

Not every minor misstep requires major correction. Arguing over small things like leaving socks on the floor or forgetting to hang up a towel doesn’t train them in godly character. We do not argue with children.

Arguing actually trains them to be confrontational, rebellious, or resentful of you, and perhaps the God you claim directed your behavior. Instead, we teach the importance of biblical stewardship of our blessings and obedience to the morals and expectations in Scripture.

Pick Your Battles

If every correction is a withdrawal from an emotional bank account, then a wise parent must act like a shrewd investor and good steward of those emotions. To effectively “train up your child,” you have to ensure that your deposits, those moments of love and affection, far outweigh the discipline.

When you constantly correct small infractions, eventually your child will learn how to tune you out to protect their peace. Then, when a moment of true moral or physical danger arises, your voice no longer carries the same authority or urgency that it needs.

As a parent, you need to learn to pick your battles wisely. That’s not to say that you’re letting your child run wild, only that you’re not nitpicking on small stuff or arguing about things that simply don’t have any bearing on eternity.

Parents sometimes get so caught up in wanting to be right all the time that they fail to analyze whether they actually are. After all, they figure, they’re the adult, the ones with experience and wisdom, and they allow their pride to stand in the way of love.

Ephesians says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4, ESV) The Greek word used for “provoke” (parorgizo) means to rouse to sensible anger or the point of exasperation. This verse warns parents against a style of harsh authoritarianism that can create a deep-seated resentment or a broken spirit in a child.

Have a Teachable Spirit

Colossians 3 offers advice for parents: “…do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” (Colossians 3:21, ESV) If you’re not supposed to provoke your children, then how do you correct them?

If you want a child who has a heart open to correction, you must first model what a teachable spirit looks like. Some of the most profound spiritual growth you will experience doesn’t come from a textbook or a sermon, but from the moments you allow your child to be the teacher. Apologizing and asking forgiveness when you are wrong or reacted harshly in the moment teaches humility and provides safety for the child to learn to admit their wrongs as well.

If your child tells you that you’re being grumpy or unfair, your first instinct might be to correct their tone and tell them they’re being disrespectful. Instead, consider their claim. Are they right?

Are you being fair from their perspective? If there is truth to what they’re saying, then maybe you need to reconsider your own teachability. By admitting when you’re wrong or even acknowledging that your child has a valid point, you’re building legitimate respect.

By saying, “you’re right” or “I hadn’t thought about it like that,” you’re making a large deposit into their emotional bank. And in doing so, you’re showing them that even parents are fallible.

Moving Forward

Parenting requires a decision, one that you make every day. Are you going to be the perfect commander or a faithful shepherd? When you focus on your child’s heart and not just their behavior, your focus becomes clearly fixated on them as a person rather than on their blind obedience to your authority. Proper correction with biblical context and explanation delivered without escalated emotions is key.

Of course, not all families operate the same way. If you’re finding it difficult to strike a balance between shepherding and being the authoritarian commander that works for your family, call one of our professional counselors.

These trained professionals can help you find the sweet spot between maintaining firm boundaries and creating a deep relationship with your children. And when your children have a close relationship with you, they’re more likely to want to please you than rebel.

The reception team can connect you with a therapist who can help you develop the relationship you want with your children.