Couples Counseling: A Renewed Commitment, Not a Failure

Couples counseling is exciting. You have the opportunity to discuss your relationship with a perfect stranger. You get to talk about the ups, the downs, the in-betweens, and the mundane of your relationship. Again, exciting, right? Likely, that’s not what you thought about when you thought of the words couples counseling.

For so many, it is a difficult subject to start to think about, let alone go further and meet with a counselor. Why? Simply put, stigma surrounding couples counseling. Seeing a couple’s counselor is often attributed to a breakdown in a relationship of some kind, whether it be in communication, trust, romance, love, conflict, something different, or a combination of all or some of the aspects of a relationship.

To find yourself in a place you did not anticipate can often be a sense of sadness, letdown, or failure. Being in a place where there is a disconnect in your relationship is tough to accept.

Another idea that perpetuates the stigma is finding the wrong counselor vs. the right counselor. When one thinks about counseling, it is often what they have seen either on television or in movies, books, experiences of family or friends, or even second-hand stories from a friend or family member about a person they know who went to couples counseling (stories that can often be made to sound worse).

Some couples report finding a counselor who did not speak as much in their sessions as the couple expected, or did not provide deep insights as the couple expected. Therefore, the couple may think counseling did not help them when reflecting on their sessions. This perception often leads to permanently quitting counseling and not going back.

On a similar line of thought, a couple may get a sense of being judged by their family, friends, and others. With this sense of judgment, the couple may turn away from counseling due to not wanting to be seen as having issues, problems, or a potentially failing relationship/marriage. They may also feel (rightly or wrongly) that they are being judged by the counselor once they get into a counseling session.

These factors are not a complete list of why there remains a stigma around couples counseling; however, they are some of the more common thoughts that prevent couples from seeing a counselor. What is often missed when thinking about couples counseling is that seeing a trained professional is not an indicator of failure in the relationship; it is a declaration to yourself, your partner, and others in your life that you are not giving up or giving in.

By attending a couples counseling session, you are showing a commitment to the relationship that, without a doubt, will be difficult along the way, but in the end will be worth it. Together, we will try to counter these stigmas to help you overcome them.

Couples Counseling to Maintain Marital Health

As mentioned, some of the most common or well-known dynamics of a relationship are communication, trust, romance, love, and conflict. Outside of finances or money problems, these are the most common reasons couples report as to why they seek couples counseling.

Some people have the blessing of good physical health and don’t have to go to the doctor for anything other than a routine annual physical. Others need to go not only for an annual physical, but also for treatment of a specific disease or diagnosis.

This can also be said for relationships; some couples can talk among themselves to work through their issues, while others may require a more crafted approach, one that involves a third-party professional trained in providing the necessary treatment, much as a medical doctor would.

Another way to think about what couples counseling is really like is to consider the way we also put time and intention into our houses and automobiles. We clean, customize, decorate, arrange, and maintain the structures as well as the functioning of the home or vehicle.

We know that putting quality care into our house or vehicle will give it a better chance of lasting. The same can be said for our romantic relationship; couples counseling provides a check-up and quality care. We as Christians are also called to maintain what God has given to us (Matthew 25:14-30, 1 Corinthians 6:19-20).

The Challenge of Finding a Counselor

Searching for a counselor can often be time-consuming for those who have made the decision to seek help, and just getting to this point can also be a challenging task. Another barrier can be the perception of potential judgment from the counselor. This sense of judgment may express itself in questions such as, “What if the counselor is judging me?” or “What would the counselor think if I told them this part of our relationship?”

The reality is that the counselor is trained to be non-judgmental as well as empathetic, and to really dig into your circumstances. While each counselor/therapist will vary, and some may be more matter-of-fact than others, they will generally all, in some way, provide non-judgmental and empathetic care that is customary in the therapeutic space.

With so many providers describing themselves on their website or their practice’s website, you can get a better sense of what the counselor will be like now more than ever. This helps to break down the roadblock of finding a therapist who will best collaborate with you to address your needs.

One additional thing to keep in mind is that when you are in a couple’s session (as well as an individual session), the focus of the time spent will be on your relationship in some capacity. The therapist may speak from time to time; however, this is an opportunity for you and your partner to discuss topics in your relationship.

The counselor is merely the facilitator, so for them to speak more than you or even take up substantial chunks of the session by talking can keep you from being able to explore the relationship for yourself.

This is similar to when you were in school, and the teacher wanted you to find the answer for yourself, rather than giving you the answer. When we come to realizations on our own, they tend to stick with us, and we develop the ability to repeat the process.

What about judgment from family and/or friends?

Society has begun to noticeably shift its thinking about counseling from stigmatization toward acceptance over the past five to ten years. The shift has not been a complete move toward acceptance, however. Many people may not see mental health as an issue to discuss or give energy to. This can create a sense of judgment around the topic.

The Bible gives us a clear message as to how to manage this resistance from those we love. In 1 Corinthians 9:24-27, Paul illustrates how our life is like a runner preparing for a race; we must condition ourselves to be able to run our race, not someone else’s. By conditioning your relationship in couples counseling, you can create a bond with your significant other that will not easily be worn down.

Those who would like to judge from the side while you are running your race are not fulfilling what Paul instructs us to do. If they were, they would realize that seeking outside help is a way to condition your marriage to endure the race.

What will be your next move?

While there may be barriers to getting into counseling, there are ways to overcome them, as we have seen throughout this article. This is what counseling would look like for you. We would challenge those stigmas with understanding, compassion, and empowerment as the Lord guides us to healing your relationship. The question for you is, “What will you do with this new perspective of counseling?”