Dealing with Generational Family Conflict

There are many sources of generational family conflict; disagreements, misunderstandings, and tensions that can arise between family members of different generations. These conflicts can be influenced by a variety of factors, including differences in values, beliefs, lifestyles, and communication styles.

Have you ever found yourself engaged in a conversation something like this:

“Back in my day . . .”
“Things aren’t the same for you as they are for me.”
“You just don’t want to work.”
“Well, you don’t have proper boundaries.”

Normally, this type of conversation occurs between younger and older adults. The conflict between generations has been a source of drama and comedy in television and angst in real life.

Common Causes of Generational Family Conflict

Different Values and Beliefs As society changes, so do the values and beliefs of its members. This can lead to conflict between family members who grew up in different eras and have different experiences. Sometimes, the differences are connected to religion. Other conflicts have come from political differences. These are often the reasons that people may find to be frustrating during holiday dinners.

Lifestyle Differences Different generations may have different lifestyles, such as different spending habits, work ethics, and parenting styles. These differences can lead to conflict if family members do not understand or respect each other’s choices. Sometimes, the differences are based on value choices, while other choices are the result of changes in location and society. Learning to respect generational lifestyle differences requires a willingness to be open-minded and listen to one another.

Communication Styles Different generations may also have different communication styles. For example, older generations may prefer face-to-face communication, while younger generations may prefer texting or social media. This can lead to misunderstandings and conflict if family members are not able to effectively communicate with each other.

Impact of Generational Family Conflict

Generational family conflict can have a significant impact on family relationships. Adult children can feel stifled and misunderstood by their parents. Parents can present disapproval toward their children and grandchildren. Some conflicts might be aggressive, while others may lean on passive-aggressive tactics to make their disapproval known.

These behaviors can lead to feelings of anger, resentment, and isolation. In some cases, it can even lead to family estrangement. People may choose to have no contact with certain family members, and this puts strain on other relationships.

Strategies for Resolving Generational Family Conflict

There are a number of strategies that can be used to resolve generational family conflict. These include:

Open Communication Family members need to be willing to talk to each other about their differences in a respectful and understanding manner. Active listening skills are essential to this open communication. Do not listen by waiting on the edge of your seat, with your response on the tip of your tongue. Ask questions, use silence to your advantage, and repeat things they say back, like this, “I think this is what you are saying…”

Empathy Family members need to try to understand each other’s perspectives and experiences. Some people may be more naturally empathetic than others, but with concentrated and willing effort, most people are able to see that others have their reasons for disagreeing.

Compromise Family members may need to compromise on some issues to reach a resolution. This does not need to be a compromise of morals or values. Compromise will usually apply to more practical situations (who will host Thanksgiving dinner, for example.) By having open lines of communication, and practicing empathy, it is likely that you will be able to come up with a compromise that best serves everyone.

Clear Boundaries Family members who consistently cause conflict may need to be given clearly defined boundaries to maintain the overall well-being of the family. Sometimes these boundaries will seem harsh, and you may need professional help to learn to maintain these boundaries.

Professional Help If generational family conflict is severe, it may be helpful to seek professional help from a therapist or counselor.

It is essential to remember that not everyone will be interested in forming more healthy family relationships. You can only work on yourself, your mindset, and your boundaries. Forcing people who are unwilling to change will only result in heightened conflict.

Some Biblical Wisdom about Generations

Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. – 1 Corinthians 12:12, NIV

The church mimics the experience of generational conflicts in a familial fashion. Older generations don’t want to change, younger generations feel misunderstood or dismissed. But this is a place where all can hopefully learn to practice healthy relationships, particularly when it comes to communication across generations.

Stand up in the presence of the aged, show respect for the elderly and revere your God. I am the Lord. – Leviticus 19:32, NIV

Respect for older generations should not need to be earned. It should be bestowed regardless of their behavior. Yet it would behoove older generations to work to earn that respect. Old age is not a free pass to be rude, selfish, or unkind to young people.

Think about Carl from the Pixar movie UP. He is grouchy, rude to the construction workers who attempt friendliness, and dismissive of the enthusiastic young scout who wants to help the elderly. The respect is given because he is old, not because he is also respectful. Thankfully this changes through the course of the movie, with Carl letting go of the past to earn the respect and friendship of Russell.

But it is the spirit in a person, the breath of the Almighty, that gives them understanding. It is not only the old who are wise, not only the aged who understand what is right. – Job 32:8-9, NIV

Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, and in purity. – 1 Timothy 4:12. NIV

While the general consensus may be that wisdom comes with age, it is not solely their territory. Wisdom and discernment are required at a young age. Young adults and teens today face challenges that their parents and grandparents could not even begin to conceptualize.

They are navigating the fluctuations of job markets and parasocial relationships that were not normal just a couple of generations ago. The “wisdom” that the older generation may wish to impart may no longer have any practical application.

In the age of the internet and nearly unlimited information, older generations frequently find themselves unable to keep up. Young generations will need to practice patience with their elders who don’t always have the capacity for learning new things.

These passages come from all over the Bible, the Old and New Testaments, books of law, and letters from Paul. Many other passages address the significance of age and context, and more than that, there are countless stories of family dysfunction and generational conflict. No family in the world or throughout history has been perfect.

The Value of Healthy Generational Family Relationships

Healthy intergenerational relationships foster a shared understanding of the world’s past, present, and future trajectory. This exchange is mutually beneficial.

Older generations, possessing wisdom gleaned from lived experience, can offer guidance to younger generations, helping them navigate life’s complexities and avoid repeating past mistakes. While it is crucial to acknowledge that older generations are not infallible and have made errors, their experiences can serve as valuable lessons for those who are younger.

Conversely, younger generations can offer fresh perspectives and challenge outdated ideas, encouraging growth and adaptation in older generations. By respecting their elders and actively listening to their stories, younger individuals can gain invaluable insights and a deeper appreciation for the challenges and triumphs of those who came before them.

This intergenerational dialogue fosters empathy, understanding, and a shared commitment to building a better future. To learn more about how a counselor can help families develop better communication and resolve conflict, contact our office today.