Addressing Bitterness and Resentment in Relationships

Art can help us reflect on our lives, and issues such as anger and resentment in relationships are often the subject of sketches and short films on social media or in Hollywood movies.

We love it when relationships go right, and it hurts deeply when things go off the rails. Often, bitterness and resentment crop up in relationships, and it’s far too easy for them to cause damage.

When Couples Turn Bitter and Resentful

For most couples, the start of their relationship is blissful, engaging, exciting, hopeful, and adventurous. Their relationship has a bright future ahead of it, and the happy possibilities seem endless. As time goes on, issues may crop up, and if they aren’t addressed, they may lead to deeper problems. Sometimes, the cracks may have already existed, and it just takes time for the pressures of life to reveal those cracks.

Feelings of anger, resentment, and bitterness in a relationship can result from a variety of experiences that a couple has. Some of the reasons why these complex emotions arise include unmet expectations.

When you enter a relationship with expectations, they may or may not be unrealistic. Regardless, unfulfilled expectations will often lead to feelings of resentment, disappointment, and frustration.

People who love each other will hurt each other, despite themselves. When that hurt occurs, perhaps through a misunderstanding, it needs to be resolved as soon as possible. Unaddressed hurt only serves to create an environment in which bitterness flourishes. In the same vein, where a couple avoids conflict, or if their communication is poor and they don’t resolve conflict well, it could lead to resentment building up.

Tension and conflict can also flare up in a relationship due to differing values and priorities. However, having differing priorities, goals, and values isn’t enough to cause resentment. That could happen if the other’s goals, values, and priorities are thwarted or perhaps even denigrated. Power struggles of this sort in a relationship foment an environment where bitterness and resentment can thrive.

Other reasons people may experience bitterness and resentment in a relationship include a lack of intimacy and connection, experiences of perceived or real unfairness and injustice in the relationship, financial and work-related stress which put pressure on the relationship, a lack of gratitude and appreciation for one another, and unforgiveness, to name a few.

The Signs of Resentment and Bitterness in Relationships

Resentment and bitterness can have a highly corrosive effect on a relationship, and the sooner a couple can address them, the better. Bitterness is something the believer is wise to overcome (Ephesians 4:31, NIV). Resentment will show up in how you behave toward someone, as well as in how you feel about them and manage interactions with them.

Some of the signs of bitterness and resentment to look out for in a relationship include the following:

Your tone or attitude Feeling or being sarcastic toward your partner, or using mocking and belittling language toward them, is a sign of resentment. Similarly, becoming defensive when called upon to talk about important concerns or issues, and being cold toward your loved one as a form of punishment, may also be manifestations of resentment in the relationship.

Criticism and being passive-aggressive Actions such as being on your partner’s case and frequently criticizing or blaming them for the issues and problems you’re experiencing, withholding affection and emotional support, or seeking retaliation against your partner, whether in your words or actions, could point to bitterness and resentment.

Other forms of passive-aggressive behavior to look out for include being sullen and a refusal to work together with your partner, even on matters that are important and beneficial to you both or to your children. The lack of cooperation in matters of mutual concern is a sign to watch for, as well.

Lack of appreciation If a relationship is marked by a failure or refusal to genuinely express gratitude for a partner’s love, support, or efforts on the relationship’s behalf, that could cause and point to bitterness. Making threats or issuing ultimatums to control or manipulate your partner is problematic and indicative of resentment.

Low trust Being distrustful of one’s partner – their words, actions, and intentions – may mean resentment is lurking in the relationship. Often, a lack of trust will also result in increased and more intense conflict.

Some other signs of resentment include avoiding spending time with one’s partner or being cynical or snide about them in interactions with others.

As you take a look at your relationship, do you identify with one or several of these signs? If you do, it may be helpful to take a step back, assess the situation, and consider seeking the help of a professional such as a couples therapist or counselor.

How Bitterness and Resentment Affect a Relationship

The things that you think and feel affect you and how you are toward other people. Have you ever noticed that if you speak poorly about someone, or you hear someone else speak poorly of them, you’re more likely to think poorly of them, too? Words can color perception. The words coming out of your mouth flow from your heart, and they affect how you view that person.

You can be sure, then, that your feelings of resentment and bitterness will affect you and your interactions with your loved one. Resentment is a form of antipathy against another person, and it likely will have a negative effect on you and your relationship. It can lead to emotional disconnection, for instance. This includes eroding trust, creating issues with healthy communication and conflict resolution, and undermining emotional and physical intimacy.

Not only does resentment and bitterness result in frayed relationships and more intense conflict, but it can also affect a person’s physical and mental health. Feeling angry for an extended period can strain your body.

Being bitter and resentful can lead to increased stress and anxiety, which affects both physical and mental health. These emotions can contribute to health issues like burnout, emotional exhaustion, depression, stomach issues, and headaches.

Feeling resentful and bitter can make it harder to resolve issues. You may not be willing to come to the table to work issues out amicably, and you can also become defensive and more prone to blame-shifting and not taking personal responsibility for your own actions. This makes it that much harder to recognize the need for change and to implement that change effectively for the sake of the relationship.

Addressing Bitterness and Resentment in Your Relationship

The root of bitterness and resentment can burrow deep in a relationship, causing all sorts of problems for everyone concerned. You don’t have to leave things at that; it’s possible to uproot bitterness and engage the issues that are driving a wedge between a couple. You need to be intentional about uprooting bitterness, because it’s a bit like a weed. You can remove it today, and tomorrow it’ll be sprouting over another issue.

To begin addressing resentment and bitterness in a relationship, the parties involved must recognize and accept the fact that bitterness and resentment are affecting the relationship. It’s not about blaming as much as it is about seeing the problem for what it is and accepting responsibility for your part in it.

Another step in dealing with resentment and rebuilding any broken trust includes listening well to hear your partner’s concerns without coloring them with your perceptions. When you listen well, you’re better placed to understand what the issues are, and the solutions you come up with are more thought-out. Good listening can also nurture empathetic and compassionate understanding of others, including their perspectives, feelings, and needs.

For a couple, there’s a need to overcome resentment through nurturing their emotional and physical intimacy. Carve out time to nurture emotional intimacy, affection, and connection to strengthen the bond between you and your partner.

You can also deal with bitterness through practicing forgiveness and learning to let go of hurts. This may be easier said than done, but the work of forgiving each other and letting go of past hurts and resentments is necessary to healing.

Those who have been made alive in Christ are told to “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13, NIV).

Next Steps

None of this is easy because you may have settled into certain habits of viewing and interacting with your partner in a particular way. Rebuilding your relationship and becoming free of bitterness and resentment can happen with the help of a professional.

Contact us today to seek help from a couples counselor or therapist; they can help a couple find forgiveness, develop healthy strategies for coping with conflict, and nurture intimacy.