How to Avoid Creating Abandonment Issues in Relationships

I invite you to pause and reflect for a moment. Have you ever stopped to ask how experiences in your past have shaped your view of relationships? Maybe you find it hard to trust other people, and your belief is that people simply aren’t trustworthy. Abandonment issues in relationships are not always hard to spot.

Some people find it hard to open up because they’re afraid of being disappointed or, worse, getting hurt. These and other postures in relationships come from somewhere, and often they’re connected to past experiences.

There’s no doubt that our past shapes us, our expectations, our fears, and our hopes. Sometimes we are aware of this and make conscious efforts to correct any bias our past creates in future scenarios, but at other times the effects the past has on us is unknown or we are unaware. We all need to self-reflect, and beyond that, invite the Lord to heal areas of insecurity or fear that still have a hold on us.

The issues that develop because of particular past experiences can vary; however, abandonment issues are common and can present in different ways depending on the person.

Additionally, it’s possible to create fresh abandonment issues in a relationship by acting in certain ways toward partners. It is important to note here that abandonment can occur in romantic relationships; however, it can be present in friend or family relationships as well. No matter the type of relationship, it is important to address fears for a healthier, more secure relationship.

What are abandonment issues?

The ability to understand abandonment issues starts with defining what it means. The term “abandonment issues” typically refers to the intense fears that a person has, which are related to rejection, loss, or a sense of disconnection from relationships and people they consider significant. These fears can influence how a person forms and maintains relationships with others, and they may flow from actual experiences of abandonment or from perceived threats of being abandoned.

Abandonment issues often manifest in relationships as deep-seated fears of being emotionally neglected, being left alone, or being rejected by a loved one. This fear can affect one mentally, emotionally, and in how one behaves in relationships. Abandonment issues can create significant barriers to developing trust and intimacy in relationships, and this in turn can affect your well-being and relational health.

Different Kinds of Abandonment Issues and Their Roots 

Abandonment issues differ, and may be the result of various kinds of experiences. There’s a form of abandonment called emotional abandonment, which occurs when a person feels or perceives as though they have been emotionally neglected, even though the other person is still physically present. When you feel unloved, insignificant, or unheard, that may result in this form of abandonment.

Another kind of abandonment involves physical absence. This type of abandonment can come from situations such as a loved one leaves or walks out of a relationship, the death of a loved one, or when a parent leaves or becomes less involved due to divorce or separation. The fear that develops is that other loved ones will also leave the relationship in one way or another.

Abandonment may also be perceived and not rooted in actual events. When a person is highly sensitive to rejection, they may perceive certain acts as abandonment, and that perception is as impactful and as real as when real abandonment happens. If a person delays responding to messages or phone calls or is unable to fulfill an obligation, that could be read and experienced as rejection or abandonment.

There are several different reasons why a person may have abandonment issues. If a person had unmet needs as a child due to having inconsistent, unavailable, or distant caregivers, they may develop a sensitivity to abandonment. Early experiences of loss, neglect, and receiving inconsistent caregiving can all contribute to an insecure attachment pattern where one fears being abandoned by loved ones.

As an adult, going through events like the death of a loved one, divorce, separation, or relational betrayal can also trigger or worsen fears of abandonment. One may become anxious to form attachments to others, or they may seek to avoid them altogether. Whether in childhood or adulthood, certain experiences can shape how we bond with others, and they can affect how we handle our fears of abandonment.

For believers, fears of abandonment can be traced back to the Fall, where brokenness was introduced to human relationships, and the possibility of being abandoned and rejected by others became all too real. Others’ actions and intentions became opaque, and death entered the picture, meaning there was uncertainty about relationships that was not there before (Genesis 3).

The Lord has said He will never leave nor forsake us (Hebrews 13:5, Matthew 28:20), but we can go through difficult times that can make us feel as though the Lord has abandoned us. We might feel as if He has left us to do life on our own. However, the Bible reminds us that nothing can separate us from the love of God, and that is something our hearts need to hold fast to (Romans 8:31-39).

Some Signs to Look For 

Now, you might be wondering how these issues might be present in relationships. Might you or your partner have abandonment issues? How would you be able to tell if these issues were present in your relationship? Abandonment issues can show up in obvious and overt ways, but they can also manifest in subtle or covert ways.

Some of the more common signs of abandonment issues in a relationship include the following:

Trust issues Difficulty believing that a partner will be or is honest, faithful, or emotionally present without good reason could point to abandonment issues.

Clinginess and dependence If one has a consistent or persistent need to be reassured of their partner’s love, they may have abandonment issues. This includes needing constant validation and affirmations of love and commitment from a loved one. Additionally, excessively relying on one’s partner for emotional security can also suggest abandonment issues.

Jealousy and possessiveness When a person has a heightened fear of losing their loved one, it can result in unwarranted jealousy, controlling behavior, and in extreme cases even monitoring them and their movements.

A fear of intimacy When you’re afraid of being abandoned or rejected, it can make you hesitant to be open to others. Even though you crave closeness and you want to be known, you may wind up pushing others away because of fears of abandonment, in effect avoiding potential rejection.

Self-sabotaging behaviors As a way to avoid vulnerability or to test the strength of their bonds in order to feel safe, a person with abandonment issues may resort to behaviors that are ultimately self-sabotaging.

These types of behaviors could include engaging in behaviors to test the loyalty of the person, breaking up or leaving the person to watch their reaction, or behaving in ways the other person does not like as a way to get them to break up with or leave you. The end result of these behaviors could be the end of the relationship, fulfilling the exact fears that initiated them.

Avoiding commitment The fear of eventual loss can lead a person to be afraid of getting too close to others. A reluctance to fully invest themselves emotionally in a situation where there are green lights and few if any hindrances could be a sign of abandonment issues.

Overreacting to minor issues Disagreements and conflicts occur in relationships. However, looking at these as signs of impending abandonment or rejection could point to abandonment issues.

These are just some signs that could point to the presence of abandonment issues in a relationship. Through open conversation, you can address these concerns and find ways to begin healing. In addition to this, there are other steps you can take to prevent creating fresh abandonment issues in your relationship.

Preventing Abandonment Issues from Affecting Relationships 

The presence of abandonment issues does not have to mean that you must live with the effects of it your whole life. While we know that past wounds cannot be erased, it’s possible to find healing; it’s also possible to implement strategies that can help you avoid creating fresh issues and prevent abandonment issues from sabotaging your relationship.

Some strategies you can implement include the following:

Recognize patterns Through reflection, journaling, and open conversation with loved ones, it is possible to identify triggers, recurring behaviors and thoughts, as well as emotional responses that are rooted in fear of loss or rejection.

Nurture healthy communication A healthy relationship requires open and vulnerable communication. It can take time, but with persistent and gentle effort, you can grow in skills such as expressing your needs clearly without fear of judgment, as well as active listening to ensure both partners are listening to understand and not simply to respond.

Other healthy practices include scheduling regular check-ins with each other, setting aside dedicated time to share concerns, feelings, as well as to express affirmations of your commitment to one another in committed relationships.

Cultivate a secure attachment Just as past and present experiences can help make a person feel insecure in themselves and the relationship, it’s possible to turn that around. Being consistent, reliable, and following through on your word helps to build trust and deeper security. Spending time together doing shared activities also helps to strengthen your bonds.

Part of developing a secure attachment is practicing healthy boundaries. Respecting personal space and limits in a relationship can help promote security and individual growth.

Embrace forgiveness and grace The Lord’s grace and acceptance can be a foundation for a new self-understanding. A renewed relationship with Him can empower you to forgive past hurts and create room for growth and new beginnings with His help.

Seek help Having honest discussions with a mental health professional, such as a Christian counselor, can help you to not only identify unhealthy patterns and the roots of your fears, but also develop healthier attachment patterns. Your counselor can also teach you coping strategies that foster spiritual and emotional resilience to promote your well-being.

With support, it’s possible to find healing and develop healthy relational patterns. Reach out and speak to a Christian counselor who can walk with you toward deeper assurance and healthier relationships. Contact us today to learn more.