The Unexpected Effects of Trauma in Relationships

Many of us grew up playing the game of tag, where someone is ”It,” and everyone else must run from them to avoid being tagged. There is usually a safe zone in the game, where the kids can go to rest when they are tired of running. This simple childhood game is also a profound picture of how many of us are running from the effects of trauma.

A common experience of people who experienced childhood trauma is believing that adulthood will be a ”safe zone” where we can rest safely from the trauma that chased us in childhood. We hope that if we can put enough time and distance between us and our past, we will have an easy, uncomplicated life. That we can leave it there and move on.

Unfortunately, when we start developing meaningful relationships and friendships, we see a different reality. We begin to realize that somewhere along the way, trauma must have ”tagged” us. Life and relationships are a lot more complicated than we realized.

We carry our past inside of us in the form of buried memories, lurking emotional responses, ignored physical sensations, or a combination of all the above. It sometimes takes a person or a memory from our past to remind us of who we are and what we went through. It sounds like a contradiction, but often the only way to move forward in life is for us first to confront our past.

The Unexpected Effects of Trauma in Relationships

Many of us have gaslit ourselves and our loved ones into believing that we are ”fine.” It is our automatic response to anyone who asks how we are doing. Most of the time, it is all we have allowed ourselves to say due to the truth being too hard to speak of. As bland, shallow, and dishonest as that response is, however, it is echoed in the shallow friendships some of us have as adults.

As we navigate through life, we begin to wonder why we feel so lonely and empty despite having friends. We do not recognize that these surface-level relationships are not what we need or desire. The truth is that, often times, we cannot handle true intimacy because we have had a bad experience with it.

While the list of the effects of trauma are unique to each individual, there are some common experiences for those who have experienced trauma. As you begin to read these effects, a gentle reminder that while these are responses to trauma, it does not mean that these are required for you to have experienced trauma and if you are experiencing these to provide yourself enough space for grace in how you choose to respond to your trauma.

Fear of Intimacy

Some of our childhood and teen years were so full of challenging, miserable experiences that, as adults, we simply want to have as much fun as possible. Our only friends are drinking buddies; our only interests are escapist in nature. Even our schedules show we are constantly busy, and our only relationships are shallow and temporary. This lifestyle can be evidence showing that we are avoiding dealing with something that still affects us.

Difficulty Trusting Others

It’s natural, and sometimes healthy, to be skeptical of others occasionally, and to be shrewd in our judgment of their character. If this becomes our ”default setting,” however, it will prevent us from trusting in and relying on anyone else. We are born with an instinct to bond with those who are closest to us, and to trust everyone older than us implicitly. Sometimes, that trust gets broken in violent and unexpected ways. This will have a long-lasting impact on our ability to let our guard down and trust others. The long-term consequence of this is being self-reliant for the rest of our lives. This can have an impact on the social, emotional, and spiritual aspects of our lives.

Hypervigilance

One of the effects of trauma is hypervigilance. Picture an alarm system that is overly sensitive to the slightest changes. It goes off each time a bug flies in front of the sensor, or the wind stirs strongly. There is no real threat, and every harmless event is perceived as life-threatening.

When someone hurts our trust, makes us feel unsafe, or physically assaults us, our nervous system keeps that event as a memory that is stored in our body. It remains on high alert in every situation, secretly consulting that memory so that it can help us avoid a repeat of that experience. While the alarm system is doing a great job, it is when it moves into hypervigilance that it can turn from helpful to harmful.

The problem is that our inner sensors are like that sensitive alarm system, and make us feel anxious and unsafe even when there is no real threat. Being permanently on edge is a physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting experience. Eventually, we will avoid certain situations or people entirely, simply because we want to avoid constantly having our fight-or-flight response triggered.

Emotional Numbing
Just as a computer performs a hundred different background checks every minute, our central nervous system is constantly at work, even while we sleep. We are not aware of half of the tasks that happen within us, but our minds and bodies perpetually work to keep us safe. One of the effects of trauma on our nervous system is emotional numbing.

When we go through a trauma, our emotions and moods can be overwhelming to deal with afterward. Even emotions like happiness and joy can feel uncomfortable. It can feel as if every emotion is either foreign or unsafe. This has the potential to leave us avoiding any contact with emotion. Subconsciously, we begin numbing all the extreme or powerful emotions we feel in an effort to remain balanced and safe.

Overwhelming Shame

Some emotions are so deeply rooted in our subconscious that they cannot be numbed. We often do not recognize that it comes from a deep connection to an unhelpful or untruthful belief about ourselves. We could feel as if we were to blame for the trauma, or that we could have avoided it if we had acted differently.

Low Self-Esteem

The result of feeling constantly guilty or shameful is that our self-esteem drops to dangerously low levels. Having low self-esteem will affect a person’s entire life, from their relationships to their career. If we do not believe ourselves to be worthy of love, affection, acceptance, or advancement, we will never aspire to get any of those things. We will remain exactly where we are in life, regardless of how unhappy we are, because we believe this is the life we deserve.

Depression

Depression is not always linked to trauma, but often it is. If we spend the majority of our lives avoiding intimacy, numbing our emotions, trying to distract ourselves with the least helpful pursuits, and generally feeling bad about ourselves, it is almost inevitable that we will end up feeling defeated and depressed. This happens when we realize that there is no safe zone; there is no way to avoid our past because we carry it inside ourselves, however fast we run.

Move In a New Direction

It is important to note that each of these unexpected effects ultimately affects our most important relationship – the relationship with our Lord. Each response will have an impact on how to trust, love, connect, communicate, and be in relationship with God. Allowing ourselves to take a long look at these effects can cause us to recognize that we are allowing this trauma to impact the only place where true healing can occur – with Him.

While these effects can seem overwhelming with little hope, it does not have to be that way. We can start moving in a different direction as soon as we begin to acknowledge our current state honestly. Not only is it okay to not be okay, but when we have been affected by trauma, it is perfectly logical and even appropriate not to be okay.

However, we do not have to remain in a place of suffering. Reach out to anyone you can trust and begin having the conversation that will lift the burden from your shoulders.

If you find yourself struggling with any or all of these unexpected effects of trauma, it is important to know that you do not have to walk this journey alone. Consider reaching out to our reception team to schedule a counseling appointment. We would be happy to meet with you.