How to Create Healthy Boundaries from a Christian Counseling Perspective

Knowing how to create healthy boundaries is as important as recognizing the need for those boundaries in the first place. Boundaries are the foundation of healthy relationships that guarantee both parties’ needs, wants, and safety are ensured.

They provide rules of order and a blueprint that the relationship should be built from. Galatians 6:5 (NIV) says, “For each one should carry their own load.” Boundaries establish respect, care, and security, as well as prevent dependency, unfair dynamics, and toxicity. So, how do we go about creating and establishing healthy boundaries?

You need to first determine what type of relationship you are comfortable with. The way to decide this is to figure out just how much of your life you are willing to share with this other person. It can be hard to know just how much we should let someone into our lives, and most importantly, how much we should trust them.

Boundaries as Pearls

Matthew 7:6 (NIV) says, “Do not throw your pearls to pigs; if you do, they may trample them under their feet and turn and tear you to pieces.” This verse essentially means that the things that are precious to you, such as your faith, should only be shared with those to whom it is equally important.

Pearls represent what is treasured and important to you. Things that you hold important may not be as valuable to someone else. If what is pearl to you is trash to someone else, the relationship starts on unequal ground to begin with, and will result in hurt, resentment, and likely toxicity.

If what is precious to you is not valued by the other person, this gives an indication that the relationship should be kept at a distance. If what is a pearl to you is equally valuable to the other person, then this is someone you want to have a more meaningful relationship with.

The establishment of boundaries for relationships can be easily defined by where you consider home to be. The proverbial “American dream” is frequently a house with a white picket fence, on a firm foundation, with enough rooms for the 2.5 children, and 10.5 animals (if you’re an animal lover like me).

Our house becomes our home when it is where we feel comfortable and safe. It represents a sanctuary that is an expression of our interests and style. Our home is where our family lives and contains what we hold dear and are sentimental about. We know who we want in our house, our front yard, and who we don’t want in our neighborhood.

Do you ever notice how when your home is cluttered, dirty, chaotic, or disorganized, it is not your sanctuary and affects all areas of your life? The state of your home can represent the state of your mind, emotions, stress, and overall ability to function. It becomes an external representation of what is going on internally. It is important to protect our home, give it the time and care it needs, because it demonstrates the state of our own mental health.

This image allows you to realize that you often know subconsciously just what kind of relationship you want with another person. Follow your instincts. You may not be cognizant of it, but your instincts will guide you if you let them. Think of establishing boundaries within which you would be comfortable inviting someone to your house.

Comfort Levels

It is easy to recognize our own intuition and instincts based on where we would feel safe letting this person into our home – our place of safety and sanctuary. If you meet someone and think you would never want this person to know what neighborhood you live in, that should tell you that this is a person you have little in common with and need to keep them at a distance.

If you are comfortable with letting the person into your neighborhood and not past your front gate, then this says you are willing to work with this person, but that is as far as the relationship will go.

If you are willing to let them come through your gate, but not past your front porch, this is another level of a distant relationship that demonstrates limited trust and caution against getting too deep into the relationship, but allows for some familiarity. Would you let this person into your home, past your front door?

You can further define the depth of the relationship by what rooms in your home you are comfortable welcoming this person to. If you are willing to let them be a dinner guest or just into your living room, friendship is okay with this person. However, there are still limits to the nature of that friendship.

Will you let this person share a table, enter your kitchen, or even cook with you? Would you let them stay in your guest room? You then consider them a part of your family. Each room in your house defines the level of relationship you are willing to establish with this person.

Finally, would you allow them to come into your own bedroom? Your bedroom is your ultimate sanctuary where you safely rest, renew, and retreat to. It establishes a level of intimacy in the relationship that goes beyond friendship and family to intimacy.

The ones you would let into your bedroom or stay overnight in your house are those whom you trust and consider part of your inner circle. These are the people who share your beliefs and values. They are the ones you go to in times of struggle or celebrate with for your success. They should be the people you feel safe and loved by.

2 Corinthians 6:14 (NIV) says, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” This verse doesn’t mean that we can never have a relationship with someone who doesn’t believe. If that were the case, how would we ever be able to minister to or help those who don’t believe, to learn about the love of Christ?

It establishes the level of relationship that is appropriate to have. When Paul says, “yoked,” he is talking about a deep, intimate connection with someone who does not share what is fundamentally most important to us. If you find yourself in this situation, you need to establish clear boundaries to protect your beliefs and what is most important to you by being a living example of Jesus.

Family and Boundaries

If you let someone into the inner sanctuary of your home who does not have your best interests at heart, doesn’t share your values, and you don’t feel safe with. You are setting yourself up for a toxic relationship that will bring hurt and trauma into your life. Do you have someone like this in your home? Is there someone you don’t feel safe with, who is only critical or judgmental of you?

Just because someone is family doesn’t mean they are safe for you. Our family members can be some of the most judgmental, critical, dangerous, and divisive people in our lives. These are essentially the people with whom you need to establish firm, consistent boundaries to protect yourself, autonomy, identity, and sanity. Boundaries can make toxic relationships healthier and safer for you.

Healthy boundaries do involve both respecting and keeping them. There needs to be a mutual agreement to keep the relationship healthy. If you establish boundaries and the other person does not respect them or keep them, then you need to decide if your boundaries need to ensure a level of separation to keep you safe.

When it comes to family, we feel a need to put up with a lot more than we would from someone else. You need to decide just how deeply you want this person to be in your life to protect yourself and your sanity. It is okay to love someone from a distance.

It doesn’t mean you need to cut them out of your life, but you keep your boundaries clear, and if they aren’t respected, then reinforce your expectations and end the current conversation. The more often you are consistent and firm with what is important to you, the sooner the other person will either decide to comply, or you will be able to recognize just how much distance you need.

Healthy Boundaries

What are healthy boundaries? Boundaries vary depending on the level of the relationship you are in. In all levels, there needs to be mutual respect, healthy compromise, equality, care, and support. Boundaries establish how communication is given. Words are powerful. They either build or destroy.

The words you use in your communication need to promote and establish life with love, not condemnation and shame. Boundaries are there to ensure that each person is heard, considered, and supported. Conflict is natural. We are two different people with different backgrounds.

However, boundaries allow conflict to be healthy, supportive, rational, and loving. They ensure that an acceptable compromise and resolution can happen. Your boundaries need to align with your core values, your beliefs that are based on truth, and guarantee that your needs are met. James 1:19 (NIV) says, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger.”

Prentis Hemphill says, “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” They enable self-respect, empowerment, rules, and clarity in relationships that are essential for healthy interactions, self-care, as well as emotional resilience and stability. Boundaries are the invisible fences that protect you, foster autonomy, and support healthy self-esteem.