How to Forgive in Marriage

Forgiveness may be one of the hardest things you will ever do in your marriage, especially when you have been hurt deeply and feel betrayed by the one you love. It’s a whole lot easier to stay angry, to keep a mental tally of wrongdoings, and let that root of bitterness fester in your soul.

But do you know what? That anger you’re feeling doesn’t help you in any way. It doesn’t help your health, physically or mentally. It doesn’t help your emotions, and it certainly doesn’t help your marriage. It only weighs down your heart, clouding your relationship and keeping you stuck.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you pretend that you weren’t hurt by what happened or that it didn’t happen at all. Forgiveness is about moving forward, letting go of anger, and finding healing together.

Take, for example, Anna and Luke. They had been married for almost ten years, and recently, their marriage had been on the rocks. The tipping point came when Luke made a comment at a family gathering that deeply hurt Anna. It wasn’t the first time he’d said something carelessly, but this time, it felt like too much. Anna was furious. For weeks, every time they talked, she brought it up, lashing out in anger, even when Luke tried to apologize.

Anna wasn’t just angry about that one comment. It was the accumulation of years of hurt, misunderstandings, and unspoken resentment. As she worked through the complicated emotions, Anna realized something important. She realized that she had been holding onto her anger because she felt like it was the only way she could protect herself.

The problem was that her anger was not just about building a wall to protect herself. It was building a wall between her and Luke. She had walls that he didn’t know existed, let alone how to scale. This is often where people get stuck in their marriage. Holding onto anger because it feels safer than letting it go. In reality, forgiveness isn’t just for your spouse; it’s for you, too.

Acknowledge the hurt

The first step toward forgiveness is recognizing the pain. It’s okay to be angry, to feel betrayed, and to hurt. What happened to Anna wasn’t okay, and it’s important to let yourself feel these emotions, just like she did. It’s important to acknowledge these feelings of anger and hurt before moving on.

They can’t just live in your head. Instead, they need to be expressed. Whether through prayer, journaling, talking it through with your spouse, or in therapy, they need to be expressed. Putting your feelings into words is key.

For Anna, it meant sitting down with Luke and calmly telling him how she felt about the comment, not attacking him, but sharing her heart. It wasn’t easy, but it did start the process toward healing.

Separate the person from the offense

This is one of the most critical steps in the forgiveness process, but it is also one that is often overlooked. It’s easy to turn the offense into a character judgment. “He’s always saying such hurtful things,” or “She just never listens to me” is easy to say, especially when you’re angry.

However, if we are being honest, we all say things we don’t mean in moments of anger or frustration. Luke wasn’t a villain. He was a human who made mistakes, just like Anna. Most likely, they are just like you and your spouse.

Anna had to remind herself that Luke, in all his glorious imperfections, wasn’t her enemy. He was her partner. If she saw him as her partner, not the sum of his mistakes, the process of forgiving became much easier.

Take it to God

Forgiveness is something we can’t do alone. In those moments when forgiveness feels nearly impossible, you can bring the pain before God. This doesn’t mean glossing over the hurt or pretending it doesn’t matter. It means saying, “God, I need help with this. I can’t do this on my own. I don’t even WANT to do this, but I know You can help me forgive as You have forgiven me.”

Anna found a lot of peace through prayer. She’d been angry for so long that when she finally asked God to help her forgive, she could feel the weight lift off her shoulders. Not instantly, of course, but over time she began to see her anger soften.

Communicate honestly

Forgiveness often needs a real conversation. Talk things through honestly and at a time when there are no distractions. Send the kids to the neighbor’s and set your phones down to make a true connection. Speak honestly, without accusation, and with a healthy dose of vulnerability. Use “I” statements like “I felt hurt when you said that,” instead of “You always do this!” This slight shift in language makes room for connection instead of conflict.

Anna and Luke had an eye-opening moment when she shared how much his comments had affected her over the years. Luke was shocked. He hadn’t realized the extent of the pain he had caused. But once he understood, he was able to apologize sincerely, which opened the door to the healing process.

Let go of the scorecard

Marriage isn’t a competition, although we often treat it as if it were. There’s no prize for remembering every single mistake your spouse has made. When we hold onto the scorecard, it’s like carrying a backpack full of rocks. Every little thing that’s gone wrong gets thrown in, adding more and more weight.

Anna had to let go of the scorecard she’d been holding onto for a long time. It wasn’t that she was forgetting everything, but it did mean that she was choosing to move forward instead of dredging up the past. Once she started letting go of all the pain of the past, her marriage began to feel more intimate and authentic.

Create reasonable boundaries

Just because you forgive doesn’t mean that you have to allow the same hurt to keep happening. Anna had to make it clear to Luke that while she was forgiving him, certain behaviors, like his thoughtless comments, needed to change. Setting boundaries in marriage is not a source of division, but an act of love. There is no rejection in saying, “I love you enough to protect our relationship from hurt, and I need you to help me with that.”

Luke respected those boundaries, and over time, he became more mindful of how he spoke to and about Anna. Their communication started to shift from critical comments veiled as sarcastic ribbing to genuine affection sprouting from love.

Extend grace to them (and yourself)

The thing about forgiveness is that it is not a one-time thing. Your spouse may slip into old habits or maybe inadvertently rekindle an old hurt. You may find yourself needing to forgive the same person, for the same thing, over and over again. That’s okay. God extends His grace to us over and over again. We are called to do the same.

It’s a process, and some days that process will be harder than others. Intent is what will help you determine whether your spouse is respecting your boundaries and genuinely slipped up, or if your boundaries are being ignored. Don’t forget to give yourself grace, too. You’re not perfect. It’s okay if you don’t forgive overnight. Keep working on it and trust that God will help you along the way.

The Happily Ever After…

Every small step toward forgiveness is a victory. Anna and Luke celebrated the fact that they were talking more openly, that they understood each other better, and that they respected each other’s boundaries. Every day they chose to forgive was a step closer to a stronger, more compassionate marriage and the happily ever after they had read about in fairy tales.

Forgiveness isn’t always easy, but it is always worth it. It’s a powerful tool for healing, both for your marriage and your heart. When you let go of anger and choose to forgive, you’re not just setting your spouse free, you’re setting yourself free, too.

If you want a happily ever after, but find unforgiveness to be standing in the way, consider meeting with a therapist who specializes in couples counseling. Your marriage and peace of mind is worth the effort. If you are ready to take that step now, contact our offices today. We have marriage therapists in our practice eager to help you.