How to Recognize Signs of Codependency and What to Do About It

Codependency is a dysfunctional way of relating to others marked by a lack of boundaries and an excessive emotional reliance on another person to dictate your value. Instead of looking to God for identity and affirmation, you draw your sense of self-worth from how other people perceive you, and on their approval and need for you. Rooted in fear, signs of codependency are at the heart of people pleasing.

Healthy Relationships vs. Codependent Relationships

In a healthy relationship, the needs of both partners are met in a balanced way. They share their lives and support one another while maintaining their separate identities and respecting each other’s boundaries.

At first, the codependent relationship may feel mutually beneficial, with the giver feeling needed and as though he or she is contributing something positive to the other person’s success and happiness. Later, though, resentment and frustration are likely to creep in when no matter how hard he or she tries, he or she can never succeed in changing or redeeming the other person.

You can’t heal what you don’t acknowledge. – Jack Canfield

Telltale Signs of Codependency

You might be codependent if:

• You look for things outside yourself to boost your sense of self-worth, such as taking care of or rescuing other people.
• You enjoy the feeling of being relied upon and needed, and often form one-sided relationships.
• You constantly put other people’s needs above your own and feel responsible for meeting them, even when it means neglecting your own well-being to do so.
• You feel responsible for what the other person feels and does. It may feel as though you need to save them from themselves by trying to fix their problems and rescue them instead of letting them face the consequences of their bad behavior.
• You don’t know who you are outside the needs and expectations of others. You have trouble being assertive and asking for what you require.
• You often say yes when you would rather say no. You do things you don’t want to do or that compromise your values just to make the other person happy and keep them from rejecting or abandoning you.
• Your self-worth is dependent on what other people think of you, and you have a need for constant reassurance, validation, and approval.
• You feel worthless unless you are needed by and making sacrifices for another person.
• You try hard to please others, and feel resentful if they don’t respond the way you want or expect them to.
• You are afraid of being abandoned and alone, and will do whatever it takes to stay in a relationship, even if it is a bad or abusive one.
• You brush off your partner’s tendency to insult or belittle you. You defend him or her, or shift the blame to yourself, if friends or loved ones speak out about his or her abusive behavior toward you.
• You are attracted to needy people, and needy people seem to be attracted to you as well.
• You focus on other people’s needs and emotions but are out of touch with your own. Your mood tends to be a reflection of the other person’s feelings rather than yours. If they are happy, you are happy too, but if they are not, neither are you.
• You tend to obsess about what others think about you. You have a strong need for approval, recognition, and feeling important and essential to feel good about yourself.
• You apologize or take the blame for things you didn’t do just to avoid conflict and keep the peace.
• You have trouble making decisions because you worry that your choice may conflict with the other person’s needs.
• You feel guilty when you take time for yourself to focus on your own needs or do anything outside your relationship that you enjoy.
• You are afraid to stand up for yourself and may end other friendships just to maintain the other person’s approval.
• You are afraid of being judged or rejected and tend to hide your real thoughts, feelings, and opinions out of fear that they would upset the other person and cause them to leave you.
• You constantly try to change, fix, or rescue the other person instead of letting him or her face the consequences of his or her actions.
• You have difficulty setting and maintaining boundaries and tend to become so enmeshed with the other person that you have trouble recognizing what your own feelings or needs are.
• You feel threatened by disagreements. You tend to take things personally when someone expresses an opinion different from yours, instead of realizing that it is just an opinion and not a reflection of you.
• You feel a need to constantly check in with the other person and feel panicky if you haven’t heard from him or her for a while. You start imagining worst-case scenarios.
• You neglect important areas of your life to please the other person and routinely cancel plans with others at the last minute to spend time with him or her instead to avoid displeasing him or her.
• You have mixed feelings about your relationship but are so focused on the other person that you do not take time to process your own feelings, and may experience a rollercoaster of emotions.

How To Bring Balance Back into Your Relationships

Focus on self-awareness The first step is to become aware of and acknowledge your codependent behavior. If you’re not seeing it, ask someone you trust if they’ve noticed anything unbalanced about the dynamics of your relationships.

Take small steps to create separation Create some separation between you and the other person by spending time with supportive friends or family members. Try finding a hobby or activity you enjoy engaging in outside of the relationship.

Check your motives Check your motives to see whether you really are trying to be supportive, or whether you are trying to manipulate the other person into doing what you want him or her to do or be who you want him or her to be.

Stop enabling Practice offering support only if support really is needed. Commit to avoid trying to take control or engage in enabling behaviors such as trying to fix his or her problems, or bail him or her out, that prevent him or her from facing the consequences of his or her actions.

Be true to yourself Be open and honest about your own needs and desires, and practice asserting yourself and saying no when asked to do something you really don’t want to do, or that goes against your principles. Exhausting your time and energy, codependently trying to please others while having unmet needs of your own, can lead to a root of bitterness when you feel your efforts are unnoticed or unappreciated.

Set healthy boundaries Boundaries are limits that define where you end and the other person begins, protect what you value, and limit others from encroaching on your personal space. Even Jesus set personal boundaries that included time for rest and prayer.

Look to Jesus for validation Jesus loves you unconditionally and is the only one who can provide the validation and purposefulness you are looking for. Learn who you are in Him and what your true identity is.

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