Are You in a Codependent Relationship? Signs of Codependency to Look Out for

Picture the scene: two fish swimming in a lake. The one fish turns to the other and asks, “Hey, what’s water?” From the perspective of everyone who’s not those fish, it’s obvious what water is. However, it’s possible to be so immersed in your perspective, experiences, or surroundings that you struggle even to question or notice the things that could seem obvious to others.

Our relationships are one area where we might miss the obvious. When you’re accustomed to your relationships operating in a certain way, you may become blind to the ways they are unhealthy. Just like the fish in water that doesn’t even know that it’s in water, you might be in an unhealthy and codependent relationship without being fully aware of the fact. Knowing the signs of codependency can help you identify these patterns and address them.

Codependency – What is it?

You may have heard the term “codependent” before, and perhaps you puzzled over its meaning. It’s been said that “no person is an island”, and we all depend on each other to one degree. Surely, depending on others, and being aware of that dependence, isn’t a bad thing?

True, mutual dependence is a fact of life, and a beautiful one at that. We need community, and our communities need us. We are more fully human when we’re in relationship with others.

However, there is a world of difference between mutual dependence, which is the fabric of our society, and codependence. Mutual dependence involves people who are bringing what they have to share with others to meet the needs of others that they can’t fulfil themselves, whether due to capacity or something else. A mechanic and a butcher can depend on each other for things they may not have the time, capacity, or skill to do for themselves.

The thing with codependency is that it’s often more about meeting a need in myself than it is about meeting others’ needs. A codependent person feels the need to be present for others because that’s where they derive their sense of identity.

Fulfilling others’ needs is more about filling the deep need they have in themselves to be useful to others. Signs of codependency include having a poorly developed sense of self that manifests in rescuing and other behaviors.

A codependent person may find themselves in a relationship with a person who embraces those codependent behaviors. If the codependent person feels useful when they’re rescuing or meeting the needs of another person, the other person, often referred to as the enabler, is more than happy to allow the codependent individual to do so. The enabler allows the codependent person to rescue them and meet their needs, even when it’s detrimental to them both.

What’s wrong with being codependent?

One question that could arise is “What’s wrong with being codependent?” Surely, it’s a good thing to care deeply about others and their needs, and that may require neglecting your own? True enough, but codependency isn’t about that, nor is it harmless. Signs of codependency can create an imbalanced relationship with a one-sided dynamic of constantly coming to the rescue for others. This can lead to feelings of emotional exhaustion and resentment.

Additionally, codependency is the result of a malformed self-identity, and it can worsen your sense of personal identity. If you’re codependent, it increases the chances that you’ll lose touch with yourself, your own goals, your values, and your desires. You may become so busy trying to meet others’ needs that you lose yourself. You may even compromise your values to meet these needs.

Signs of codependency can also perpetuate unhealthy patterns in your own life, and in the life of the person who’s enabling that behavior. For instance, if a person has self-destructive behaviors like addiction or poor relationships and financial decision-making, the codependent person will swoop in to try to help them whenever those decisions and actions lead to trouble. The result is that it reinforces cycles of dysfunction.

Lastly, what’s wrong with codependency is that it also hinders personal growth for the codependent person and the person enabling them. When you focus excessively on others and their needs, to the detriment of your own, you can prevent yourself from developing and leaning into your passions and skills. When you constantly swoop in to rescue someone, you take away the opportunity for them to face consequences and grow beyond dysfunction.

Signs of Codependency

For a codependent person, being codependent might feel like it’s another way to say that you’re loving, self-effacing, generous, self-sacrificial, and even Christlike. Codependent patterns of behavior are often forged in situations of dysfunction, like when a child takes on the parenting role because their parent is unable to for one reason or another, such as substance abuse or parental neglect. It’s a dysfunction that can pass as something else.

There may be little that distinguishes a codependent person from one whose loving service of others isn’t flowing from dysfunction. That difference, however, is significant. The difference is mainly that the codependent person needs to be needed by others. They desire to be useful to others and derive their sense of value, self, and purpose from that. That’s different from a person who serves others selflessly from generosity and from a place of abundance.

Some of the signs of codependency to keep an eye out for include:

Self-neglect Neglecting your own needs and prioritizing others’ needs to the point where your well-being suffers could be a sign of codependency. Among other things, these needs include resting, having enough to eat, and nurturing other relationships. A codependent person might sacrifice time at work to help someone, leading to censure or losing their job, for instance.

External validation You are a beautiful creature made in the image of God (Genesis 1, Psalms 8, 139), and you’re valuable because of this. Having low self-esteem or a sense of self-worth that is heavily dependent on whether others validate you could be a sign of codependency.

Excessive people-pleasing A codependent person will find it difficult to say “No” even in situations where it is uncomfortable, inconvenient, or works against their own interests or well-being. An example might be you need your car for work, but you don’t say “no” when someone asks to use it for a personal errand.

Controlling behaviors A codependent person may find themselves feeling responsible for others’ happiness. As they often swoop in to rescue the person in need, that may result in trying to manage their decisions or emotions, leading to controlling behaviors.

A fear of abandonment Another sign of codependency is a fear of abandonment, which is a deep fear of being alone or of being rejected by others. This fear can result in clingy behaviors in relationships and staying in relationships even when they are detrimental to one’s well-being.

Emotional reactivity Having codependent tendencies will often result in being emotionally reactive. This means that your mood fluctuates based on the behaviors and emotions of the people who are around you.

Struggling to set boundaries Another key sign of codependence is having difficulty setting boundaries. Boundaries are how you set your limits, doing the work of delineating who you are and what makes you distinct from other people. If you struggle to set and maintain healthy boundaries, and you feel guilty for setting these limits, that could indicate codependence.

Building Healthier Relationships Without a Codependent Dynamic

When you find yourself acting in a codependent manner, or if you’re concerned that you are codependent, there are some things you can do. You can improve your self-awareness by assessing your needs, motivations, and feelings in your relationships. As you assess your relationships, you can also identify any patterns of codependency. These include times when you feel resentful, drained, or overwhelmed.

Learning about codependency and what healthy relationships look like can also help you spot codependent tendencies in yourself. Trusted friends can provide you with insight into your behavior patterns, helping you identify codependency in yourself. To help nurture healthy relationships, it’s important to set and maintain boundaries to define what’s acceptable in those relationships.

Not only is it valuable to take time to practice self-care by making your physical, mental, and emotional health a priority, but it’s also important to engage in activities that cultivate your sense of self, self-esteem, and confidence independent of others’ approval.

You can also seek professional help in the form of counseling or therapy. Your counselor can support you by helping you identify codependent tendencies in your relationships, as well as providing insight into these patterns and strategies for changing those behaviors.

They can also help you learn what healthy boundaries are and how to set and maintain them in your relationships. With help and support, you can have healthy relationships. To learn more and meet with a counselor or therapist, contact our office today.