How to Support a Friend Who Had a Traumatic Birth Experience

“It was supposed to be one of the best days of my life,” she said, pausing to stare off into the distance. Her mind was clearly replaying the day and she sat in silence as tears filled her eyes as she spoke.

She stared down at the infant in her arms and said, “when I look at him all I think about is the trauma. This isn’t what welcoming a child into the world is supposed to be like. I never knew childbirth could be such a traumatic experience.”

This new mom had been told about the possible complications in delivery. Her classes had talked about what giving birth might look like and the different paths it could take. She was prepared and excited to deliver her baby. What no one could have prepared her for was the emotional impact that would come when her birth plans and dreams unraveled and her birth became traumatic.

Childbirth can become a traumatic event

Until one experiences it firsthand or knows someone who does, most of us don’t realize birth can be a traumatic event. We may have heard an extreme tale or two but it’s not something that’s talked about enough. Millions of families have had trauma during childbirth and many still struggle to process it years later.

The emotional impact can feel debilitating sometimes. It can make an already intense time in life feel suffocating. Parents find themselves going from a day they thought would be looked back upon with memories or joy to memories of pain and sadness.

It’s not that our birth classes failed us, it’s simply that no amount of preparation can prepare us for when things go a different direction than we expected them to. Nothing can ever prepare us for trauma.

Birth can be traumatic for any number of reasons. Medical issues on the part of the mother or baby may result in plans shifting fast. Life-saving interventions are a gift, but these interventions can be scary and quite intense. They can be difficult to process emotionally after the baby is home as well.

Why don’t people talk about this aspect of childbirth more often? Perhaps because we don’t want to confront the fact that a joyful day can become full of sorrow. Perhaps we worry that these experiences will scare other people. Whatever the case may be, those who have endured a difficult birth experience often end up feeling isolated and alone.

This article isn’t going to define a traumatic birth. What one family experiences may be different than what another experiences. Parents often struggle to admit that they had a traumatic experience in the first place or to process the complicated emotions that arise.

Birth can become traumatic for many reasons. If you feel you’ve had trauma with a birth, we hope you’ll reach out to a counselor for support. Also reach out to your community, neighbors, family, and church. The more often we share these stories and support one another, the better.

Below are tips for supporting a family who has had a traumatic experience during birth. If you’re processing your own trauma, we hope these tips will give you ideas for ways to reach out for support. Perhaps share this post with your loved ones to help them understand. For those who are helping someone walk through this trauma, we hope this gives you tangible ways to show them support.

Tips For Helping a Family Who Had a Traumatic Birth

Realize it was traumatic for both parents

Sometimes Dad is overlooked. He’s processing his own emotions and experiences too. Find ways to give him extra support and care.

A healthy baby/healthy child often doesn’t help

This phrase can be complicated. For some families it’s comforting. Others find it insulting or painful, especially if there are recovery complications of postpartum depression. It’s a phrase people often find themselves saying when they’re not quite sure what to say, and it can sometimes be salt on an open wound.

Bring them meals longer than you would for a typical birth

Having a new baby is exhausting enough. Having a new baby along with intense emotional experiences to process is even more exhausting.

Especially if surgery or other medical interventions were involved. Bring the family meals for the first few months, not the first few weeks. Before the meal train ends, ask the family if it would be helpful to continue getting meals. there’s a great ministry in a hot meal cooked with love.

Help with household tasks

Again, provide this help longer than you would otherwise. Arrange help with laundry, dishes, chores, etc. for several weeks. This gives the family more time to simply rest and be. It also provides them with some company and takes a mental burden off them.

Give them space to process

Families may not be interested in sharing their birth stories for a while. If they begin to act uncomfortable when you’re asking questions then give them space. Or let them know you’re there to talk whenever they feel ready.

Realize they’re grieving

Grief over an experience can be just as painful as grief over a death. Families often deeply grieve the childbirth experience they had hoped to have. People spend a long time planning for the arrival of their children, dreaming and writing birth plans.

Parents even imagine what the delivery will look like and make careful selections of music, mood, clothing, and those who will be present. When these experiences are missed out on due to trauma, the family will go through a deep grieving process. This is healthy and natural.

Watch for signs of depression

Parents who have had a traumatic experience during childbirth are more likely to experience depression afterward. This should be taken just as seriously as any other postpartum depression. If you notice signs of depression in a loved one, reach out to their counselor, midwife, or doctor.

Help them attend counseling or a support group

Offer to provide childcare for the other kids while they attend counseling or a support group (many parents prefer to bring their infant to counseling). Or come over and clean the house while they attend their counseling session or support group.

Cook them dinner before they go or offer to drive if they’re recovering from surgery or are sleep-deprived. You may even ask if they’d like you to do research in finding a support group for them so they can focus on the baby.

Share your story only if they’re ready to hear it

It can be tempting to jump in and share our own difficult birth stories. Sometimes these are healing and comforting for the family, it helps them know they’re not alone.

Other times they’re triggering and quite upsetting, so never offer to tell your story unless the other person agrees to hear it. Even while sharing it can be helpful to check in and make sure they’re still ok with it.

Offer support if they become pregnant again

Delivering another baby will come with a wide range of emotions. Nobody is ever quite sure how they’ll react until the day arrives. Find ways to show your support as the family prepares to welcome another baby.

Sometimes friends will gather together beads to put on a necklace or bracelet for the family to have during labor. Each person will choose a bead with a specific meaning and offer it to the expecting family as a blessing and a prayer.

You could also hold a blessing or a ceremony over the mother or both parents. This can be a time of prayer, sharing feelings, healing, and preparing for what’s to come.

Know it can take years to heal

The grieving and healing process may last many years. Never rush the healing process along. Let it ebb and flow as it needs to. As with any other trauma, it may resurface from another event later on in life or when the mind is more ready to heal.