Toxic Marriage: Causes, Signs, and How to Turn Things Around

There’s always something new to learn when you watch nature documentaries, if you’re into that sort of thing. Some of the most fascinating clips are when you look at a setting – it could be in the jungle, a desert, or next to a river – and everything initially appears safe. On closer inspection, however, you find that there’s some creature right there; well camouflaged, but right there, ready to deal death.

Often, when it comes to toxic relationships, things might look okay at first glance. If you know the tell-tale signs, however, you can identify certain behaviors that indicate toxic behavior. Some marriages may seem vibrant on the surface, with a lot going on behind closed doors. In other situations, the toxic behaviors and interactions may be quite apparent, and they present a real challenge in how to turn things around.

The Shape of a Toxic Marriage

A toxic marriage may have a lot going for it, and it can be between two otherwise wonderful people. Just because a marriage is toxic does not mean the marriage is beyond redemption, or that the couple themselves are necessarily bad people. This is one of the hurdles that couples need to overcome as they pursue a healthier relationship – owning the state of their relationship and how they are contributing to it, neither excusing nor condemning themselves.

A toxic marriage or relationship may have more bad qualities and experiences than good. The behaviors and interactions that indicate that a relationship is toxic include ones that make a person feel misunderstood, demeaned, unsupported, and unsafe. These behaviors are damaging, unhealthy, and draining for one or both people in the relationship.

Some of the behaviors in a toxic relationship may make you feel so unsafe that you need to walk on eggshells around your spouse. That lack of safety may be physical, but it may also refer to emotional safety, and whether you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and emotions.

To talk about a relationship being toxic is to suggest that the relationship isn’t serving the couple anymore. It has become inhospitable to them both, and it’s no longer characterized by the loving, attentive, compassionate, and empathetic interactions that a healthy relationship is meant to have. The relationship has begun to inhibit the growth, well-being, and flourishing of the couple.

Causes of Toxic Marriages

Is a toxic marriage toxic from the start, or does it start great and become toxic over time? Recognizing the signs of a toxic marriage and understanding how such a relationship develops is crucial and for any couple that wants to restore their marital health and happiness. It can help the couple get to the root of the concerns they have about their relationship.

Some of the causes of toxic marriages include unresolved conflicts. If a couple refuses to address issues or constantly avoids conflict, it can lead to deep and unresolved tension. A toxic environment is often the result of this, and it can lead to an ongoing sense of dissatisfaction with the relationship.

Toxic relationships can also be caused by a breakdown in communication. If a healthy relationship is like a thriving ecosystem, poor communication is like foul air that permeates and chokes everything. When two people in a relationship feel like they can’t express their desires, needs, and grievances effectively to one another, it opens the door to deep misunderstandings and resentment.

In any relationship, particularly an intimate one, trust is the cornerstone. Infidelity can be both a result and a cause when it comes to toxic relationships. A toxic environment can contribute to one partner being unfaithful, and a partner’s infidelity can also be what breaks trust and causes a toxic atmosphere of suspicion and hurt in the relationship.

Other possible causes of a toxic relationship include manipulation, misalignment, and substance abuse. Substance abuse alters a person’s behavior, and it leads to distress and a lot of dysfunction in the marriage. When one spouse tries to control or manipulate the other, it creates an imbalance and unhealthy dynamic that negatively affects the controlled partner’s independence and self-esteem.

Lastly, if a couple is misaligned in their values and they aren’t mutually supportive of one another, it can create a serious divide in the relationship. For a Christian couple, it could be that their expressions of faith are at odds, or they may have vastly different values or political outlooks, which can generate division if the couple doesn’t support or appreciate one another.

Some Signs of a Toxic Marriage

A toxic marriage may have aspects to it that are easily visible to onlookers, while the couple is oblivious to these toxic traits. Sometimes you do something for so long that you stop seeing or feeling how abnormal or destructive it is. There are couples whose natural interactions include put-downs or harsh criticisms that make the people around them nervous, shocked, or both.

Highlighting the signs and traits of a toxic relationship can be a huge help for the couple in not only correctly naming what’s happening but also providing a useful first step to overcome the way they relate to each other. Some of the signs to look out for include the following:

Constant criticism One of the ways marriage works is that it’s a safe space where a person’s flaws can be pointed out lovingly for their benefit. Constructive criticism is a crucial part of a healthy relationship; that’s how you grow as a person.

There’s a world of difference between negative feedback and criticism that undermines a partner, and constructive criticism that builds them up and encourages them. The criticism may be about one’s career, appearance, dress sense, or any other aspect of who they are.

Emotional manipulation This can take many forms, including gaslighting and guilt-tripping, threatening to cause harm to yourself, or playing the victim. These forms of manipulation often lead to feelings of self-doubt and confusion.

Lack of support When a marriage is healthy, it can be a remarkable support system for both spouses. A toxic marriage, however, will often be marked by an absence of emotional, financial, or moral support when it’s needed.

Jealousy, competition, and possessiveness A toxic marriage will often have behaviors such as overbearing jealousy that may restrict the freedom and happiness of one spouse. The spouses may be competitive toward one another, and sometimes even undermine each other’s successes instead of celebrating them.

Humiliation A toxic marriage may also carry a dynamic of public and or private humiliation. That includes making digs or putting the other spouse down, whether company is present or not.

One of the effects of a toxic marriage is that the people in the marriage may experience a decline in mental health. That may look like an increase in anxiety, depression, or their stress levels. A toxic relationship will also often result in stifled personal growth, as well as a loss of self-identity, and a decline in self-esteem and self-worth. The relationship inevitably becomes a breeding ground for feelings of bitterness, resentment, and emotional distress.

Turning Things Around

A toxic marriage can erode a person’s sense of themselves, and it diminishes both spouses. Some of the dynamics that feed toxicity can feel like an insurmountable challenge, but there are steps that a couple can take to heal and rebuild their relationship, if they’re both committed to the process.

The couple can seek to:

Establish open communication Having honest and open dialogue helps begin the process of rebuilding trust and the understanding that ought to exist between spouses.

Extend forgiveness Forgiving the person who wronged you, particularly if they did so over several years and despite your protests, can be an uphill struggle. However, extending forgiveness can help a couple begin to heal their wounds and set them on the path to rebuild the relationship.

Setting boundaries Healthy boundaries are necessary for any relationship. These boundaries set clear limits for each spouse and how they would want to be treated; this fosters respect for each other’s individuality and nurtures a healthier dynamic, especially in situations where codependency is an issue.

Reconnect spiritually A toxic dynamic undermines the couple’s ability to connect meaningfully and share space. This includes shared spiritual practices, like prayer or reading Scripture. Revisiting these things – praying, going to church, or volunteering together can provide the couple with a shared purpose and sense of direction for their marriage.

Seek professional help Christian marriage counseling can provide the neutral and safe space that a couple needs to express their feelings and begin working through their issues with the guidance of a professional. Your counselor can help you take steps to reconnect and rebuild your marriage, transforming a toxic marriage into a supportive and loving partnership.

If you want to thrive, both as a couple and individually, contact our office today and schedule an appointment to speak to a Christian counselor about your marriage. Give your toxic marriage another chance to heal.