Understanding Narcissism

The term “narcissist” is used in popular culture to define anyone who is vain, arrogant, or brimming with confidence. This makes for an unpleasant person to deal with, and perhaps the sort of person you would rather avoid.

However, the psychological understanding of narcissism goes a little deeper, and those who are in a relationship with a narcissist, or work for one, may benefit from understanding a little more about this trait. When we don’t have the option of simply avoiding a narcissist, it is good to understand what narcissism is, how it manifests and what we can do to better deal with it.

Narcissism

Narcissism has been researched for the last sixty years and has been found to affect a large amount of the population to some degree. Narcissistic behavior is best understood on a spectrum, with greater and lesser degrees manifesting in people.

Narcissistic people may initially appear to be charismatic, charming, and attractively confident, but seeing as their interests are always self-serving, it isn’t long before they are unmasked as being vain and egocentric.

One of the reasons that narcissism is often hard to identify is that it presents masking behavior. Narcissists are often extremely self-aware and know that their interests are self-serving. To avoid being detected as mere egoists, they will flatter, manipulate, and try to disarm those closest to them with charm.

A narcissistic spouse will afford their partner a space in which to unpack their anxieties, but usually only so that they can reclaim center stage afterward. The narcissistic boss will say all the right things to appease his workers and usually fail to deliver on the promises.

Narcissists have an ingrained belief that they are superior to others in some ways, or that their needs are more urgent and more important. This may not be obvious until you genuinely get to know the person. Once you see this trait and try to address it, you will likely be met with defensive or aggressive behavior. It can be difficult to confront a narcissist with their problematic behavior.

There are three aspects to understanding narcissism, they are narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), grandiose narcissism, and vulnerable narcissism. NPD is a rare disorder, affecting only 2% of the population. Sufferers would be termed “chronic” narcissists, in other words, it is almost impossible for them to break free from their way of thinking. All forms of narcissism are resistant to therapy, however, only NPD is truly detrimental to the sufferer’s well-being.

Along with the usual signs of having an inflated sense of worth and craving for praise, grandiose narcissism exhibits a distinct lack of empathy and compassion toward others. Those with grandiose narcissism cannot even manufacture fake empathy or compassion with which to manipulate people.

They have constant fantasies of gaining the success and power which they believe they deserve. While other forms of narcissism have fragile egos beneath a confident exterior, those with grandiose narcissism genuinely believe that they are a cut above the rest.

Vulnerable narcissism can be trickier to identify as those with the trait are introverted and, as such, do not have obvious personality characteristics to observe. These narcissists struggle with shame and anxiety which is often linked to abandonment trauma and adverse childhood experiences.

They will often have a large group of friends because they crave attention and affirmation, but they are often so focused on themselves that they cannot properly empathize or connect with those closest to them. This intense self-preoccupation comes at the cost of true intimacy, and they are unable to give any form of emotional support to their friends and partners.

Narcissism in the Workplace

The most common form of narcissism to encounter professionally is the grandiose type, as they have a professional goal to be elevated and important. These have an exaggerated idea of their authority, regardless of their position in the company. They also tend to exploit their workers, and are volatile and insensitive, making for a toxic work environment.

The grandiose narcissist as a boss will demand 100% engagement with the business while under-delivering on employee care. Because they have rampant confidence in their abilities and insights, the grandiose narcissist boss will belittle experts in the field and generally make it more difficult to partner with others for specialized projects. Of course, the employees will be blamed for any lack of progress.

Working for a narcissistic boss can be a demoralizing, emotionally draining, and soul-destroying experience. Narcissists are hardly ever held accountable and will blame anyone else rather than take responsibility for their actions. Confrontations will usually wind up becoming shouting matches as they try to intimidate and overpower your point.

Narcissists in Relationships

Grandiose narcissists are rarely emotionally attached unless it is to someone subservient and submissive, or else as aggressively ego-driven as themselves.

The type of narcissism most commonly encountered in relationships is vulnerable narcissism. This is the trickier of the two forms of narcissism to identify and it may take years for you to realize that your partner, spouse, or close friend is incredibly narcissistic.

Vulnerable narcissism comes with a host of emotional baggage which often stems from childhood trauma. As an adult, the vulnerable narcissist may feel a deficit of care and attention from emotionally distant parents and may seek to find that connection in friendships or a relationship. But the damage they’ve sustained often means that they cannot be present for others, nor give the same attention that they crave.

They may be possessive, jealous, and demanding in the relationship, and yet fail to live by the standards they set. The vulnerable narcissist spouse will often attempt to control his partner and may become enraged when he senses that she has broken some agreement, and yet may be conducting extramarital affairs at the same time.

Vulnerable narcissism seeks ego boosts in the form of words of affirmation, physical affection, or quality time. They will be drawn to whoever offers these things readily and may cycle through relationships with eager abandon. It is not uncommon for the vulnerable narcissist to be in a new relationship mere days after ending a previous one.

How to Handle a Narcissist

Narcissists will rarely ever accept that they have a problem. Both forms of narcissism fail to accept responsibility for their actions, and they will rarely agree to therapy or counseling. This leaves the onus on you to develop coping methods for dealing with a narcissist in the workplace, or to come to a decision about what to do with a narcissistic partner.

In the Workplace

The narcissistic boss or co-worker is only happy when things go their way. There might be a lot of tension and aggression in the workplace when they face opposition or obstacles. Whether you hate conflict or embrace it, this can be a draining environment to be in.

There may be an inner conflict if you thrive in your job but dislike the boss or co-worker. If leaving is not an option, it will be imperative for you to make as much use of time off and vacations as possible. It may also be necessary to find someone in upper management, HR, or some other form of support from within the company itself. Having inside help ensures that you have someone to vent to when things get tense.

In a Relationship

Being in a relationship with a narcissist will often feel like you can do nothing right. They will have a way of turning every confrontation back on you, forcing you to take an extra portion of blame and responsibility. This is incredibly draining and will suck the life out of the strongest of relationships if allowed. They may also be adept at emotionally manipulating you to feel sorry for them because they are usually insecure and ashamed of themselves.

If the relationship is worth keeping, you must set up firm boundaries. These can even be about discussions; you could say that you will not listen to them when they are being self-deprecating or self-pitying. Such speech is often a manipulation tactic aimed at inspiring sympathy.

The vulnerable narcissist may be more open to correction than the grandiose type. If you used non-threatening “I” statements, such as “I feel overlooked in this relationship”, you might be able to help your narcissistic partner to see things from your point of view and take one step closer to couple’s counseling. It is a good idea to consult a professional before attempting this type of confrontation.

Christian Counseling for Relationship Issues in Stone Oak, Texas

If you or someone you know is in a relationship with a narcissist, there are support groups available that can help you to cope. Even after ending a professional or romantic relationship with a narcissist, there may be residual damage.

Having a counselor in Stone Oak, Texas would be like having a personal helper to work with you as you figure out your next steps in dealing with a narcissist. Professionals are waiting to help. Call us at Stone Oak Christian Counseling in Texas to book your appointment with a professional counselor in Stone Oak today.