What Makes a Good Parenting Plan?

The first time you hold your baby in your arms, you are filled with all the possibilities and hope for the future. You may feel prepared, or you may feel overwhelmed. Either way, you look down on the future with feelings. Then you start to parent, and all the feelings change as you cope with changes in your life and your growing child.

Challenges, both expected and unexpected, happen. It can seem as if there are more questions than answers. But remember, having a well-thought-out parenting plan can help you navigate different situations as they arise, providing your child with a safe and secure place to learn about the world and reassuring you that you’re doing the best for your child.

What makes a good parenting plan?

A good parenting plan focuses on the needs of your child(ren) and provides consistency so that you, as the parent, are not emotionally manipulated by your child. Children can have big feelings about things; this is not a reflection of you as a parent but rather of them developing as human beings.

Example #1

Toddlers are known for throwing tantrums. It could be the terrible twos or the “threenager” stage, but they will likely go through a time where they throw their whole body into declaring what they do/do not like about a situation. As a parent, you can plan for this eventuality without deciding as it happens. The plan is your tool to prevent your emotions from being overwhelmed. This preparation can make you feel more in control and less stressed out by their behavior.

If your toddler is throwing a tantrum or just being a little defiant, it’s often because they want something they cannot have. Toddlers are not rational or logical. There is no explaining that ice cream is not a breakfast food or that it is time to clean up toys and go to bed in any way that will make sense to them.

Let’s take a look at some ways to approach these events:

Consider what might be behind the defiance

Are they hungry or tired? Do they feel overwhelmed by the task? Give yourself a moment to consider what might have led to this response.

Get at eye level with your child and engage with them calmly

Being bigger and louder is not a solution to cope with the situation.

Have a time-out strategy

If your child’s behavior escalates, you should know how to back out momentarily. This can take various forms. You could sit them somewhere for a minute or two and set a timer on your watch or phone. Then sit across from them or go to another room.

Reconnect with the child after that amount of time and start again

You could say, “We are going to take a break for five minutes.” and walk away for yourself. You could try different breathing exercises, such as box breathing or slow inhaling and exhaling with them. Having a strategy for yourself prevents you from being overwhelmed.

Give yourself extra time

Children do not live life at the same pace as adults. If you know that getting your child dressed is a daily battle, plan for that time rather than expecting the child to move at your pace. If you allow extra time in your schedule to go at your child’s pace, then you may be able to get through situations without the extended drama of a tantrum.

With this plan in place you can feel more confident when children test your patience.

Example #2

Children with neurodivergent challenges, such as autism, ADHD, bipolar, etc., require a more nuanced parenting plan. The things that may work with neurotypical children do not have the same results and may even backfire completely.

When you know your child has one of these challenges, finding strategies that engage them is important. Counselors and therapists who specialize in those areas can provide you with ideas and tools to create your parenting plan.

Example #3

If your child has had a mental health crisis, such as depression, anxiety, bullying, eating disorders, etc. they may need different tools for coping. It is overwhelming to the parent and the child to cope with these situations, but your child needs you to help them make a plan. Planning for these struggles may involve outside help, such as medical professionals and counselors. That is still a parenting plan. Asking for help from others indicates your love for your child.

Example #4

If you are divorced or, in some way, co-parenting in separate households, parenting plans become essential documents and helpful tools. The plan you put on paper is often a guide for making important decisions about your child’s educational and medical needs, as well as the outlined care plan.

The parenting plan should focus on the child’s needs, not the whims of the adults in the situation. Creating stability and consistency is important to a child’s social-emotional development. If co-parents are not on the same page about something, communication about the differences should not be placed on the child’s shoulders.

When you have a rule for your house that is different from what your co-parent does in their house, you can plan to communicate with the child without being critical of your co-parent. It can be a simple statement, “This is the rule in my house; that’s the rule in their house.” Depending on the child’s age, you might be able to have a conversation that lays out why you have chosen to have a particular set of rules.

If you can have amicable communication with your co-parent, consider how to keep things consistent between the two homes; everything from bedtimes to movies to time-outs can be kept consistent if you can communicate.

If there is a great deal of conflict between you and your co-parent, it will be important to maintain consistency and stability in your home. Create an environment where your child knows they are loved and welcomed no matter what their big feelings may be.

How others can help

Being a parent is rewarding and exhausting. As the saying goes, the days are long, and the years are short. Parenting does not need to be done in a vacuum. Feeling like you are the only one is mentally and emotionally exhausting, so you benefit by connecting with others on this parenting journey. Finding support is one of the best parenting plans you can have.

• Your partner or co-parent is your teammate in the work of raising children. Keep open communication, take turns dealing with the fun stuff and the hard stuff. While traditionally the bulk of parenting has fallen on mothers, fathers can share it.
• Family can provide support in a myriad of ways, if available. Grandparents often enjoy time with their grandchildren, which can provide you with breaks for your mental health. If you do not live near family or have difficult family members, it may be possible to find that support in others.
• Having a sympathetic friend who you can talk to about the challenges that you are currently dealing with as a parent can help you avoid dumping your pent-up frustration on your children.
• Online communities and resources abound, and you can likely find people to connect with who share your values and struggles as a parent.
• Going to counseling is a way to release some of your concerns and frustrations and gain tools to deal with some of the challenges that your current parenting phase is presenting.

Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it. – Proverbs 22:6, NIV

This wisdom from Proverbs reminds us that we are at the beginning of our children’s journey through life. If we give them space to process emotions, try and fail, and try again, we are preparing them for a life that is well-lived even when we are no longer there.

If you would like further help forming a parenting plan, contact our office at Texas Christian Counseling today.