What to Do When You Are One of Those Toxic Couples

You’ve probably seen them on TV. Those couples who fight all the time, complain about each other in their social circles, or who seem to have this weird co-dependency where they aren’t happy when they’re together, but they also can’t stay away from each other. Maybe the toxic couple that came to mind when you read the title of this article is you and your partner.

Toxic couples display a recurring pattern of emotionally damaging behaviors. They disrespect each other, fight for control, offer constant criticism, or simply position themselves to manipulate each other and those around them.

While these kinds of relationships may get a laugh out of a television audience, when they play out in real homes and lives, they can erode self-esteem and the well-being of both individuals and those caught in their crossfire.

We aren’t one of “those” toxic couples, are we?

The gossip mill is full of juicy stories about the “Smiths” and the loud fight they had last night. The one that the neighbors heard and even caught a glimpse of from their video doorbell. And then of course, there’s the “Johnsons,” who are notorious for their aggressive and even passive-aggressive social media arguments. And then there’s the “Joneses,” who are never seen in public together, but take every opportunity they can to tear each other down when they have an audience.

It’s easy to see these faults in the neighbors, your sister-in-law, and the family from church. But it’s a little more challenging to see characteristics when they’re in you. Even Jesus weighs in on this truth: “You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” Matthew 7:5 (NIV). “Whoa! Are you talking to me?” you might ask. “What plank?”

You might be in a toxic relationship and not even know it. Of course, if you are constantly or at least consistently unhappy with your partner, give or receive constant criticism, or lack resolutions for long-standing problems, you might recognize the toxic nature of your relationship. Some relationships aren’t that obvious, though. They are subtle but can still be harmful. Just because you don’t see the problem doesn’t mean there isn’t one.

Your toxic relationship might seem comfortable and familiar to you. The signs might be subtle and have been overlooked for so long that you don’t even recognize them anymore. Maybe your complaints and criticisms of your partner have been disguised as “communication” for so long that you no longer realize their danger. Maybe your partner’s harsh words have become so common that you don’t even notice them.

But chances are high that those around you have noticed these toxic characteristics, and it may be affecting them, and even you, more than you realize.

How It Affects Others (and You)

If you’re consistently complaining about your partner, sharing the details of your arguments with others, and rallying support for your side, you’re unnecessarily involving other people in your relationship drama. While it might feel like you’re creating a close bond with others by sharing personal details with them, and their support feeds your ego, you’re doing more harm than good to your relationship with your partner and the person you’re involving.

Putting Your Friends on Edge

If you’re consistently arguing with your partner or complaining about them when you’re with friends and family, you will likely see your relationships with them deteriorate. Most people carry their own private battles and look to their friendships as an oasis or retreat. When you bring your own baggage to their emotional front door, you’re increasing their already heavy load.

By dumping your garbage into their personal space, you’re littering their minds with negativity, increasing their emotional burden. And while healthy relationships allow for seasons of giving and receiving, if you’re constantly pushing your troubles on them, you will be viewed more as a liability than an asset in their lives.

Rolling the Boulder Over Yourself

When you overshare personal details and bring your private drama into public conversation, you’re not accomplishing what you’re trying to accomplish. By trying to defame your spouse, you make yourself look needy, dramatic, and flat-out unkind. This is called spontaneous trait transfer, a psychological associative process that connects the traits someone is talking about with the speaker.

If you describe someone, in this case your spouse or partner, as having negative traits, listeners may subconsciously attribute those traits not to your partner, but to you. While it might feel good to “get it off your chest,” you are, instead, sabotaging your own reputation.

Proverbs 26:27 tells us, “Whoever digs a pit will fall into it; if someone rolls a stone, it will roll back on them” (NIV). If you “roll the stone” by telling others that your spouse is “lazy” or “critical”, your listeners will start to see you as a negative person.

Building Emotionally Scarred Children

Negative talk about your spouse, gossiping behind their back, or arguing in front of your children can trigger anxiety, fear, and stress in those around you. When parents bring their relationship drama to their children, they do far more damage than they might realize.

Children who are exposed to chronic arguments between their parents are at risk of developing emotional and behavioral issues, poor conflict resolution skills, fear of abandonment, and a host of other negative consequences that will impact them for the rest of their lives. Your children have been placed in your care by God, and with that blessing comes responsibility.

Ephesians 4:4 (NIV) says this, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” As their parents, it is your God-given obligation to guide your children’s moral and spiritual development, but that is difficult to do if you undermine your message through your actions.

Eroding Your Intimacy

It’s likely that in the heat of the moment, intimacy with your partner is the last thing on your mind, but a happy and peaceful relationship should always be the goal. If you’re in a long-term, committed relationship, especially a marriage that you have vowed to protect, it’s vitally important to build and guard your intimacy with your mate.

Intimacy isn’t just physical closeness. Intimacy is a close, personal, sweet relationship between two people. Intimacy is a word that encompasses trust, honesty, loyalty, forgiveness, patience, and all the other oft-quoted descriptors of love outlined in 1 Corinthians 13 (The Love Chapter).

When you complain about, criticize, and nag your mate, you’re creating division, not building intimacy. Jesus applied this logic when He stated, “If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand.” You’re building a “house” together with your mate, and if you are not working in tandem, your foundation will be unstable, and your house will fall.

Broken Foundation?

If you’re reading this and recognizing some of these behaviors in your own relationship, you’re on the right track to fixing the foundation. The good news is that even toxic couples can start today to fix the cracks in your relational foundation.

Make an immediate hard stop to your self-sabotaging public drama. As a good partner, it’s your job to protect your spouse’s reputation, not damage it. Stop recruiting friends to act as jury members in your marriage or involving your children in your marital issues.

Stop weaponizing social media. Uninstall those apps if you have to. Do whatever it takes to move your relationship off the public mainstage and into a private discussion. Make the decisive choice to replace critical words with patience, kindness, and forgiveness.

And if your marital problems are deep-seated or longstanding, enlist the help of a skilled Christian therapist (not your social circle). Be warned, your therapist won’t feed your ego and agree with everything you do (like your friends); they will challenge you to grow in your own spiritual life and as a life partner.

Are you one of “those” toxic couples? If you’ve seen yourself in these words, it’s time to stop involving other people in your marriage and seek God and Christian counsel to help rebuild your foundation. Contact our office today to schedule an appointment with a Christian therapist in Texas.

WARNING: If you are in an abusive relationship, please seek help through state and local authorities.