Avoidance Anxiety and How It Affects Relationships

There’s something about unpleasant experiences that just shouts, “Don’t do this again!”. We instinctively tend to avoid unsavory things to save ourselves time and effort and to preserve our peace of mind.

For example, if you have a bad experience at an eating establishment, you’re unlikely to patronize it again. It can be scary getting into a car again after an accident or it may feel uncomfortable walking where you were mugged.

We tend to avoid the unpleasant, or what reminds us of unpleasant experiences. This can be advantageous, for the reasons already mentioned. However, it can also have a downside. There are situations in which it is necessary to face unpleasant things for another, bigger purpose. You may not enjoy public speaking, for example, but it enables you to effectively communicate your ideas to more people.

In key instances in life, it may be necessary to face the things that make you anxious or that you ordinarily try to avoid. Understanding avoidance anxiety and its impact on your life can help you take steps to deal with this anxiety and reclaim your freedom and ability to enter diverse situations unhindered by fear.

Avoidance Anxiety Unpacked

We all have moments or situations that make us anxious. Perhaps it is dinner with your family, talking or eating in public, going to a social event, a first date or job interview, driving, addressing conflict, or any number of other circumstances.

When you feel anxious, your body reacts by activating your fight-flight-freeze response. This is one of the ways your body prepares you to act in ways that protect you and your well-being.

Anxiety doesn’t feel pleasant. It includes signs such as a rapid heartbeat, sweaty palms, racing thoughts and restlessness, and even feelings of dread. When you’re anxious, it can feel overwhelming, and it can make it hard to think or do the things you want to do.

If you’ve ever felt anxious before, you may relate to feeling like you’re not in control of yourself or your circumstances. When you’re faced with anxiety over certain situations or emotions, one possible response to that is to try and avoid them so that you don’t get anxious.

Avoiding similar situations or patterns is a coping mechanism that allows you to shield yourself from something that you’ve experienced and perceive as negative or threatening. When you settle into a pattern of avoidance, that pattern is hard to break without intentionally pursuing that goal.

We may encounter many difficult experiences, whether it’s trauma, loss, intense stress, or other deeply challenging circumstances. One of the most repeated commands in the Bible is “Do not be afraid”. Our natural response to many situations is fear, but God doesn’t want us to live in fear or be limited by what feels bigger than us. After all, God is bigger than any circumstance we could ever face

How Avoidance Anxiety Affects You

Avoidance anxiety is a huge challenge. Say that you’ve had a fight with a loved one, and it resulted in the relationship falling apart. It’s possible to begin associating conflict with the end of relationships and avoid future conflict to preserve relationships.

However, avoiding conflict can have serious consequences for your relationships, including building up resentment because issues go unaddressed. There are other ways that avoidance anxiety can affect you and your relationships.

In large part, the effect will depend on what you’re avoiding, but avoidance anxiety manifests in the following ways:

Increasing isolation In the attempt to avoid social situations or environments that trigger feelings of anxiety, you may withdraw from situations and relationships. Pulling away from others can result in fewer opportunities for personal growth and fulfilling relationships.

Declining mental health Social isolation can take its toll on a person’s mental and emotional health. Avoiding meaningful social contact with others can lead to depression, particularly if you feel as though you’re trapped in an unending cycle of fear and withdrawal.

Lack of intimacy and trust One of the unintended consequences of avoidance is creating barriers to intimacy and trust. Avoiding emotional vulnerability or confrontation because of past experiences can prevent your current relationships from flourishing. When you avoid connection with loved ones you may confuse or frustrate loved ones, and it can even lead to feelings of insecurity in them.

Avoidance can result in being emotionally unavailable, and when you aren’t freely sharing your thoughts and feelings with loved ones, or if you’re unable to hear their needs, fears, desires, and feelings, that can leave loved ones feeling unheard. Avoiding connection due to anxiety can often serve the opposite ends, damaging the relationship instead of preserving it.

Increased conflict Avoidance anxiety might lead a person to want to sidestep hard conversations or conflict with their loved ones, but the result is unresolved issues and a buildup of resentment. Avoidance can mimic passive-aggressive behavior, like being unresponsive, stonewalling, or giving the silent treatment. All this can frustrate and confuse loved ones.

Emotional burnout The people around an individual with avoidance anxiety may end up carrying the weight of feeling unheard. Additionally, in trying to help manage their loved one’s emotions and anxiety, the result may be emotional exhaustion and burnout. Engaging with a loved one who avoids conflict or connection requires significant emotional labor.

When you take the route of avoidance, it doesn’t make the issues or concerns go away. The typical result is that they fester, relationships are further complicated, and it also gets harder to face the situation again in the future.

The more you avoid something, the more power it has to make you anxious the next time you encounter it. In the long run, avoidance isn’t a good strategy, and it can make you even more anxious.

The good news is that the cycle of avoidance anxiety can be effectively broken.

Breaking The Cycle of Avoidance Anxiety

Anxiety comes in different forms, and it can be mild or severe. It’s challenging to face both the thing that makes you anxious and the specter of facing the situations or circumstances that cause anxiety. You can become anxious about being anxious, unleashing a vicious circle that’s hard to break. The circle can, however, be broken.

One step you can take to break the cycle or circle of avoidance anxiety is to have open and honest conversations with loved ones. It can be hard to take this step, but it’s important to recognize that avoidance and not talking plainly about concerns causes more problems instead of helping. Acknowledge the impact of avoidance and work together with your loved ones to foster a nurturing relationship.

Building trust and intimacy takes time, but it’s important. Take small steps toward vulnerability, such as sharing activities, thoughts, and so on. When a person shows up consistently over time, it can help you feel confident that they aren’t going away anytime soon.

Another important step is to have a strong support network. This network can be inside your family, or in your faith community. You need encouragement and accountability. Participating in activities like volunteering, Bible study or prayer circles with others can help you feel more supported and less isolated. Healthy relationships can provide you with the necessary emotional support you need to face challenging circumstances.

Lastly, you can also seek professional help in the form of counseling. Individual counseling can help with avoidance anxiety, and where you’re in a relationship, couples counseling can encourage healing and transformation in the relationship. Therapies such as cognitive behavioral therapy can help with identifying and challenging unhelpful and unhealthy thought patterns that provide fodder for anxiety.

Another helpful therapy is exposure therapy, in which you gradually confront the situations you typically avoid. This is done in a controlled and supportive way with the help of your counselor. You’ll take small but manageable steps that allow you to face your anxieties and implement coping mechanisms that help you to function well despite the presence of anxiety.

Next Steps

Counseling can help you to work through your fears, giving you the guidance you need to develop healthier communication, relationships, and the ability to cope with your anxiety. You can take back control over your life and learn to cope with difficult circumstances.

To learn more about how counseling can help you overcome avoidance anxiety or to schedule an appointment, contact our office today.