7 Signs of Unresolved Trauma in Men

The vast majority of people will have to navigate trauma at some point in their lives, if not in themselves, then with their loved ones. Unresolved trauma lies unseen in a person, usually only becoming apparent in our adult lives as we enter serious relationships. Trauma manifests uniquely in everyone. However, some common signs of trauma can be specific to gender.

Whether it is in the way they handle their emotions or in the way that they have been affected by toxic masculinity, unresolved trauma is often at the root of behavioral problems that affect and damage men’s relationships. If we want to have healthy and intimate relationships, we might have to begin addressing the unresolved trauma in our lives.

Old Wounds

Some traumas are ongoing and complex, causing much damage and leaving noticeable marks on a person. However, some events barely even register as traumatic. It is only later in life, when issues pop up, that we might realize we were deeply affected by trauma. The common saying that ‘time heals all wounds’ is untrue; all that time does is cover the memory of the trauma.

When a person experiences trauma, especially if it is ongoing trauma, they build beliefs around the traumatic events. For example, a child who is frequently left alone or ignored will begin to believe that they are unworthy of anyone’s attention and care. When a person doesn’t quite understand why they are being treated a certain way, they tend to fill in the blanks. Sometimes they do this in the most hurtful of ways, coming to the bleakest conclusions about themselves.

Seven Signs of Unresolved Trauma in Men

When you peel back the layers, at the core of any trauma is the feeling of being unsafe. Men and boys in America are conditioned and socialized to be brave, strong, and stoic. Many believe and teach that it is weak to feel or express any emotion except for anger or aggression. This leads to many different, often problematic behaviors, most of which will affect their friendships, relationships, and even careers.

There are some distinct behaviors you can track to flag someone who has potentially been traumatized.

His reaction to receiving feedback

If a man gets upset or aggressive over feedback, it is often a sign of unresolved trauma. You can think of it as having a toothache. When you have a tender tooth, you might avoid using that side of your jaw for chewing, knowing the soft touch to the offending tooth can be excruciating. The same is true for anyone with trauma.

It makes certain topics and situations unbearable to face. Men who have been criticized or verbally abused can become defensive to the point of aggression when it comes to feedback. This might make them seem narcissistic or lack accountability. Sometimes that is true. However, more often than not, it is trauma in his past that makes him emotional when he feels criticized.

Emotional overreactions to minor issues

When men have an emotional reaction that seems disproportionate to an issue, it’s likely a sign of unresolved trauma. When we repress our emotions, they don’t truly go anywhere. Years of stifled reactions build inside us until one day, they explode, usually over a minor issue.

“Better out than in” is a true statement when it comes to emotions, as it is better to express an emotion than push it down. Some people grew up in environments where their emotions and points of view were not valued or where they were actively suppressed. Just like learning a new language, he has to learn to express himself emotionally, or else he will be an emotional time bomb just waiting to explode.

He equates softness with weakness

Sometimes, men grow up believing that not only are emotions unimportant but that expressing them is a sign of weakness. This is an effect of toxic masculinity where emotions are deemed as something only women feel, and even then, it is to their detriment. Unfortunately for them, having emotions is simply a part of being human.

No amount of toxic ideology will eliminate them. Toxic masculinity is itself a form of trauma passed down from one generation to the next. Its presets and parameters are so restrictive and damaging that the men who adhere to them inevitably become bitter, twisted, hateful people incapable of true intimacy. Toxic masculinity has ideals and core values that not only damage men but also the women in their lives, too.

He feels unsafe to be around

Every abuser was once a victim. This doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it does explain it. Just as when you are attacked by a scared animal when you try to free it from a trap, so too will some men make you feel unsafe as you attempt to help them confront their trauma.

The person who was traumatized is not to blame for his experience, but he is responsible for how he handles it later in life. Not everyone who was traumatized as a child becomes an abuser in adulthood. However, many men who feel unsafe in the world also cause those closest to them to feel unsafe in their presence.

He uses shame and ridicule as weapons

Men tend to use anger as a cover for fear and shame or use ridicule as a weapon. Many men are afraid of emotions because they don’t know how to navigate them, and this becomes a cyclical issue. When they are afraid, whether it’s a fear of failure, abandonment, or that they don’t measure up, they tend to use anger as a shield. They might throw out insults or resort to demeaning others as they try to avoid being exposed.

He only knows bravado

Bravado is the word given to “fake courage.” It is when a person portrays calmness, control, and bravery despite feeling afraid, uncertain, or insecure. In some cases, the saying “fake it ‘til you make it” is true. However, men who have unresolved trauma will default to bravado in almost every situation. Freedom and release come when he can learn to drop the act and own up to his feelings of fear and insecurity. For that to happen, he must feel as if he won’t be judged.

His default is to withdraw from uncomfortable situations

Many men with unresolved trauma will avoid situations where they feel uncomfortable or have to take accountability. It could be having an honest conversation about the state of a relationship or owning up to his behavior. Still, he becomes a slippery eel as soon as he is faced with an issue he would rather avoid. If a man would rather avoid a problem than have a simple, honest conversation, he has unresolved trauma in his past.

Finding Healing from Unresolved Trauma

People can only begin to heal from unresolved trauma when they feel safe. They might avoid certain things because they hit too close to a nerve. For example, someone might dislike sporting events because a coach verbally abused them when they were young. They will spend years trying to protect themselves from further harm and might become aggressive or unpredictable if pushed on the topic.

There are a lot of things that need to happen for a person to begin to feel safe enough to face their unresolved trauma. They must feel accepted and understood as a foundation. This can take time, and progress can be slow and complicated. However, it is possible to heal from trauma and to have wholesome, healthy relationships, even with the people who once felt threatening.

Next Steps

Healing from trauma almost always requires the help of others. It can be difficult to share certain things with loved ones, even if they are supportive. It might help to meet with a counselor to discuss these things.

Not only do counselors provide safe, nonjudgmental spaces, but their knowledge of mental health can greatly help. Contact my office today if you would like to begin a counseling journey. If you feel that I may be a good fit to support you in this process, I invite you to reach out – I would be honored to work with you.