4 Signs of Infidelity: How to Detect Them and What Can Be Done

Do you feel like you and your spouse have drifted apart? Are you wondering if your spouse is interested in someone else?

No matter how long we are married, infidelity is shocking and extremely painful. Knowing the signs of infidelity and understanding how to respond can help you overcome the hurt and restore your marriage.

Please note that just because any or all these things might occur, it does not necessarily prove your spouse has been or is being unfaithful. They could just be a warning sign that there is a crack in the foundation of the marriage that needs to be addressed. It’s important to deal with any concerns in an open, loving, and honest manner as soon as possible.

Behavioral Changes

The first signs of infidelity you might notice are behavioral changes. There may be red flags, such as sudden secrecy with the phone, e-mail, or social media, changing passwords, always keeping the phone face down, or going to the other room to talk on the phone. A new e-mail address or suddenly using a text app or other communication app could indicate your spouse is trying to keep secrets.

Other indicators could be changes in routine, such as staying at work late or going on unexplained trips, having new friends who they are not willing to introduce you to, getting involved with a new hobby or activity outside the home, but not including you.

Your spouse may start dressing better or paying more attention to appearance, such as working out more, getting a new hairstyle, or purchasing new underwear. They may no longer want to participate in activities that the two of you used to do together.

Digital and logistical clues may include things like deleting messages or browsing history, downloading and using new apps, creating unexplained social media accounts, expenses, hidden credit cards, or cash withdrawals, or opening a private bank account.

Emotional Changes

A second class of signs of infidelity could be emotional shifts, such as your spouse being more distant, less affectionate, or having reduced intimacy. Your spouse may start comparing you to others or devaluing the relationship.

They may exhibit increased irritability and hostility or overcompensating with kindness but with a lack of affection. There may just be a lack of or reduced talking about their day or the things that they are hoping to do in the future. They may become unusually defensive or angry when asked simple questions, such as where they have been or to whom they are talking.

Communication Changes

A third thing to watch out for is changes in communication, such as vague answers or information instead of specifics; gaslighting by saying things like “you’re imagining things” or “you are being too sensitive” and accusing you of being too controlling; starting arguments just to justify distance or time away, or leaving during or after an argument and being gone for a while without explanation where they were.

Spiritual Changes

You may see a sudden or gradual decrease in attending church services or activities if this has been a usual part of life. They may avoid talking with or spending time with Christian friends or exhibit a decline in prayer (or complete cessation), listening to worship music, or reading the Bible. They may become uncomfortable when God is talked about or avoid any spiritually related discussions.

Please note that stress, depression, burnout, or physical problems can also mimic these signs. Before making accusations or drawing conclusions, it is best to attempt to have an open conversation to get a better understanding of what may be going on with your spouse.

How to Approach the Problem

So, what can you do? The goal is not to play detective or blow things up prematurely but to maintain self-respect and seek the truth. Questions to ask include what specifically has changed in the relationship. How long has this been going on? And what is needed right now? Do not let fear or past hurt lead you to jump to conclusions without evidence.

Have a calm and direct conversation expressing your concerns without accusation but maintaining curiosity while stressing a desire for improved understanding and resolution. This conversation can be exceedingly difficult and may be best done with a third party, such as a trusted mentor or a counselor.

Start out by just stating observed behavior and feelings. The conversation may start something like this: “I have noticed we have been more distant, and you are guarded with your phone. I am feeling anxious and disconnected. Please be open and honest with me about what is going on. I want things in our marriage to get better and for us to be closer.”

At the right time, it is also helpful to be direct in stating, “If there is someone else you are interested in emotionally or physically, I need to know. I desire to improve our relationship, not to make false accusations or blame.” Clearly state all the signs that you have observed.

Be sure to have this conversation when there is plenty of time and when there are no distractions. It is especially important not to have a conversation like this in front of children. You can start the conversation by asking your spouse if it is a suitable time to talk about something that is especially important. Avoid bringing this up when either of you is tired, angry, or overwhelmed.

What to Do When Infidelity Exists

If infidelity is admitted or strongly suspected, you do have options. Couples therapy can be effective in rebuilding and repairing marriages, especially if both parties have this desire. If your spouse is not willing to attend couples therapy, it can also be extremely helpful to have individual therapy.

Individual therapy can help you process any betrayal, confusion, or anger. Counseling can help you become aware of all of your options and make appropriate decisions rather than having an emotional reaction that you may regret.

If you do not seek counseling, be sure to take the time and space to think clearly before making any big decisions, as often a reaction out of anger or hurt can just cause more damage to the relationship. Talking things over with a trusted friend can help if the friend is supportive of restoring the marriage.

If there has been infidelity, staying is not a weakness, and it is not accepting that you are a victim. It can take a lot of strength and courage to stay in a relationship while rebuilding it. Unfortunately, at times, the final decision is to leave the relationship, and this is not evidence of failure.

If all attempts at repair and reconciliation have not made a difference, you may decide to leave but have peace in knowing that you did everything you could to rebuild the marriage. The only bad choice is to continue to stay in a relationship out of fear or misplaced obligation.

If there is no proof or evidence of infidelity, however, trust has been damaged, it is important to take steps to rebuild trust. This can be difficult and at times painfully slow, but it is certainly possible to regain trust.

Next Steps

Reconciliation begins with forgiveness.

Ephesians 4:32 says that we should be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God forgave us.

It also begins with repentance.

2 Chronicles 7:14 (ESV) says, “If my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land.”

Healing a marriage from infidelity is possible, and I believe God encourages it. It takes time and help from God and others. If you have concerns about your relationship and would like to speak with a Christian counselor, please call 469-943-2962 to schedule an appointment.