Being Intentional About Vulnerability: How to Improve Communication in a Relationship

We are living in the future. It’s remarkable when you see the things around us that we couldn’t even dream of a few decades ago, or would have firmly placed in the category of science fiction. Many advances in technology, from cellphones to faster internet connections, and even artificial intelligence, help us perform our tasks more quickly, and even while sitting in a remote mountain cabin. It’s remarkable.

One of the things humans have sought to improve throughout time is effective communication. We can communicate with people across vast distances, overcoming cultural and language barriers, and share our ideas almost instantly, regardless of time zones. Despite this, we still struggle with the basics of communication. Conflict caused and worsened by miscommunication still happens, and often, the people we live with feel like strangers.

To have a thriving relationship, your communication needs to improve. Even when you have differences of opinion, how you communicate these can make a world of difference. With better communication, you can nip miscommunication in the bud and convey your meaning more clearly. We need to be intentional if we want to become better communicators, and our relationships will benefit immensely from it.

What is “better” communication?

We all want to be better communicators, and we likely know that good communication is better for our relationships and for reducing conflict. It isn’t always clear what good communication is, and how to get there.

Good communication isn’t about getting your message across as quickly as possible. There are situations in which time is of the essence, but speed isn’t what the game is about; after all, you can send a belligerent and egregious message just as quickly as an irenic one. You can destroy your relationship over a hasty phone call or instant message just as easily as you can over snail mail.

To become better at communicating, going back to basics can help. What is communication for? The main reason we communicate is to make ourselves known to other people. That includes our desires, intentions, plans, dreams, fears, limits, past experiences, and much more. When you’re in a relationship with someone, these are the things that help you understand each other, build a shared bond that makes the relationship feel meaningful.

The way the Lord designed us requires us to use our words, actions, and even tone of voice to share ourselves with others. At its heart, communication is about sharing yourself, making yourself known to other people. We communicate to be known, but also to do daily things like problem-solving. This is easier said than done, for a variety of reasons.

There is, of course, another aspect to communication. Communication is a two-way street, meaning that just as you’re trying to help people understand you better, they also want to be understood. That requires a different set of skills, including the ability to listen without judgment and to focus empathetically on the other person.

Some Obstacles to Better Communication

There are challenges when it comes to communication, including our own sinfulness. For instance, sometimes we withhold information because it’s advantageous to us to do so. We could intentionally mislead others, or we could seek to dominate them and use our words and actions to manipulate or overpower them. Communication can be used in ways that damage a relationship.

Communication can also be challenging because of unhealthy patterns that prevent it. If you’re anxious about your relationship, you might avoid sharing your true feelings for fear of conflict or rejection. Similarly, if you struggle with anger, it can prevent you from hearing others clearly, and you could tend to shut them down through shouting. Other habits like interrupting, multitasking, or being busy can also hinder good communication.

Sometimes, communication can be problematic because of different styles. Some people are direct, saying plainly what they mean, while others may have a more passive communication style. The direct person may be perceived as being aggressive, while they may see the more passive communicator as wishy-washy or indecisive. People can miss each other because they don’t communicate in the same way.

With communication, there are things that we do intentionally as well as instinctively, and these can help or hinder our effort to communicate effectively. Improving communication requires you to nurture self-awareness, a clearer perception of others and their communication styles and preferences, and learning skills like active listening.

Signs of Communication Problems

How do you know if you’re having issues with communication in your relationship? There are a few things you can look for that could suggest you’re having difficulties with communication. One sign is having unresolved conflict. If you have ongoing conflicts that persist, they can lead to resentment, which can manifest as irritability or dismissiveness.

Other signs to look out for include the following:

Frequent misunderstandings You and your loved one often misread, misunderstand, or misinterpret one another’s actions or words, and you often need to walk things back or discover you didn’t understand something you spoke about

Defensiveness.One or both of you get defensive or feel you’re under attack when communicating with each other.

Passive-aggressive behaviors When things aren’t going well, it’s important to share those feelings. In situations with poor communication, a couple could resort to subtle or indirect behaviors like sulking, giving the silent treatment, being sarcastic, or sabotaging one another to express negative feelings.

Avoidance Instead of engaging issues and dealing with them, avoiding talking about important things or addressing conflict is a sign of communication problems.

Feeling unheard You have the feeling or sense that your thoughts, feelings, and concerns haven’t been heard or validated. When you aren’t being heard, that often results in conflict because your needs aren’t being met, or your boundaries are being violated.

Increased or intense criticism We can all stand to improve in one or more areas in our lives, and our partner usually gets a front row seat to the different flaws we possess.

There’s a difference between constructive criticism, which aims to build up and encourage, and criticism, which often has an edge to it and can break the other person down.

Poor active listening When you’re communicating with your partner, are you both engaged? Active listening requires you to be present, in the moment, giving your full attention to the other person, not interrupting them, not jumping to conclusions, and allowing them to express themselves fully.

How to Improve Communication in a Relationship

Whatever your starting point, it’s possible to improve your communication. Healthy communication requires a good dose of vulnerability. Vulnerability means being willing to share your true thoughts and feelings with someone.

There is a risk of falling flat on your face, being misunderstood, and being taken for granted, which is why we often put up masks and misdirect others, hiding behind the proverbial fig leaf (Genesis 3:7-8).

The first step toward better communication is to be intentional about vulnerability, which isn’t easy. Relationships need to become a safe space where vulnerability thrives. This can take time, but it can get better as you implement other steps, including the following:

Practice active listening Try to be fully present, empathizing and understanding your partner’s perspective on things. Validate their feelings, showing them you care about what they feel and are going through.

Use “I” statements Simple things like saying “I feel neglected” can come across as less accusatory or like blaming compared to when you say something like “You don’t pay attention to me.” Using “I” statements helps you take ownership of your feelings even as you avoid blaming the other person for your feelings and thoughts.

Time things well Often, issues arise when communication is ill-timed. Instead of bringing up sensitive topics in public, or when one or both of you are tired, or when you’re short on time and capacity, carve out quality time to talk through these important things. Having regular check-in times also helps prevent things from building up over time.

Seek clarification During your conversations, or soon afterward, ask questions to clarify and understand your partner’s perspective. Avoid making assumptions that you know what they mean and err on the side of getting clarity.

Seek help Couples may need help creating a safe space for difficult conversations or need to develop tools for better communication. A couples counselor can create that safe space, acting as an independent third party who can hear them out, help them discern unhelpful patterns or strengths they aren’t using effectively, journeying with them toward a healthier relationship.

If you struggle with how to improve communication in your relationship, contact our office today to learn more and schedule an appointment with me or one of the other Christian counselors at our location.