Can a Christian Marriage Survive Infidelity?

For many people, the discovery of infidelity marks the end of any happily ever after in their marriage. But Christians who are taught that marriage is for life and that divorce is wrong may find themselves in a difficult position when they discover that their partner has been unfaithful to them. Whichever path a person may choose, many challenges will lie ahead.

It is important not to rush into big decisions without prayer and careful consideration of everything.

What is infidelity?

Infidelity is when one partner in a relationship is unfaithful to the other. Adultery is considered to be a serious breach of the marriage covenant and is seen as both a sin against the spouse and a sin against God. In the Bible, it is seen as a broader category than just the physical sexual act. It also includes an individual’s unfaithful desires and thoughts (Matthew 5:27-30).

One of the challenges of talking about infidelity is that individual spouses and couples may have different understandings of infidelity. For instance, is it okay to watch pornography, or to reach out and connect with a former partner on social media? Some couples will have had these important conversations during premarital counseling or afterward to establish firm boundaries in their relationship.

Infidelity can thus take the form of emotional or physical acts of infidelity that violate boundaries the couple has set for themselves. For a Christian couple, infidelity may include things that the couple may consider okay, but Scripture addresses and says otherwise. As such, from a Christian perspective, there is no such thing as an open marriage (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:3-6; Proverbs 5; 6:20-35; 1 Corinthians 6:12-20).

What does the Bible say about infidelity?

In the well-known Ten Commandments, the first laws given to the nation of Israel, we find the clear instruction, “You shall not commit adultery” (Deuteronomy 20:14, NIV).

However, before this formal code of laws was given, there are stories scattered throughout the Bible like Genesis 20:9, where Abimelech unknowingly took Abraham’s wife for himself, and Genesis 39:9, where Joseph refused to have relations with Potiphar’s wife, that indicate there was an early understanding that the marriage union excluded any relations with a person outside of it.

This is consistent with the understanding of marriage from Genesis 2:24, NIV, where after Adam and Eve met for the first time, it is said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh”. There is a special bond in a marriage that is holy and should not be violated.

In the Old Testament, we see that adultery was considered to be a highly serious offense, with the punishment prescribed for it in Leviticus 20:10-12 being nothing less than the death penalty for both parties involved in the sin.

By the time of the New Testament, while the death penalty is no longer used as punishment, the seriousness of the sin of breaking the marriage covenant by way of adultery allows for the sinned-against spouse to divorce the adulterer (Matthew 5:32).

But even in Jesus’ own teaching on adultery, He acknowledges the seriousness of it, first pointing out that the sin of adultery also includes lustful thoughts, and then adding that if any part of a person’s body leads them into this sin it would be better for that body part to be removed than to risk ending up in hell (Matthew 5:29-30, NIV). These are strong words, indicating that adultery has no place in a Christian marriage.

Can infidelity be forgiven?

Forgiveness is one of the key principles of the Christian faith. Scripture reminds us that we are to be “kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32, NIV). The motivation for forgiving others is that each of us has also been forgiven a lot by God, and we should extend that same mercy to people who sin against us.

A common argument is that this leads to a Christian being a doormat or enabling those who would unrepentantly hurt or abuse them. However, forgiving your spouse for committing adultery can happen whether you choose to continue staying together or not. If you choose to leave your spouse, as a believer you would still be called to forgive that person, just as Jesus calls us to love our enemies and pray for those who hurt us (Matthew 5:43-47).

However, if you still wish to stay together, it is possible to forgive and rebuild a strong marriage, provided both partners are willing to put in the work. Healing can happen for both parties, and while forgiveness benefits the perpetrator, it often gives the greatest benefit to the person doing the forgiving who is able to find freedom from all the hurt they are able to release. And while the pain of infidelity is great, it also can lessen over time.

Is divorce an option after infidelity?

When infidelity happens, there is a lot that both parties need to take into consideration. For one, forgiving the guilty partner does not mean that the spouse who’s been cheated on needs to stay in the relationship. Jesus acknowledged that adultery was a sufficient reason to get a divorce (Matthew 5:32).

However, we also read in Mark 10:4-9 and Matthew 19:1-12 that even though divorce was permitted in the law of Moses, it was nonetheless contrary to God’s design and the law had only been given as a result of the hardness of people’s hearts. God’s intention for marriage was that “what God has joined together, let man not separate” (Matthew 19:6, NIV).

So what does this mean for a victim of infidelity? It means that divorce is a real option, but if it is at all possible to honor the marriage covenant, then every effort should be put toward restoring it to align with the Lord’s intended design for marriage.

If all of your efforts toward reconciliation fail, perhaps because the partner is unrepentant, then it is not wrong to get a divorce. But if the person who committed adultery is repentant and willing to work at it, it aligns more with the Lord’s intention for marriage to attempt to restore the marriage. Neither option will be an easy one.

If you choose to go the route of divorce, it comes with its own complications, especially if there are children involved who will need to be considered. But in the case of a marriage that is already broken because one partner doesn’t wish to honor their commitment, it may be better for everyone involved to dissolve the marriage.

Finding Healing from Infidelity: Challenges and Considerations

One of the biggest challenges in forgiving a spouse for infidelity is that trust has been broken. It takes time, patience, and commitment to rebuild trust between a couple. Rebuilding trust will also require thinking through how you can be transparent with each other as well as what you need for accountability, whether between yourselves or including a friend from outside the marriage who will keep the partner to account.

Finding the ability and willingness to forgive takes time, but it can happen and provide great healing for both partners, and their marriage union may end up stronger than before. Both partners would also need to deal with the emotional scars and feelings of guilt and shame that result from adultery. There’s also the fear of potentially falling into the same situation again.

However, many couples have overcome these challenges and rebuilt their marriages stronger than before. Some things that would help in the healing include:

Growth and healing

A renewed focus on prayer and the personal spiritual growth of both partners helps. When dealing with any issue of the heart, it takes more than just acknowledging and trying to step away from the harmful behaviors but also replacing those unhealthy behaviors with healthy ones.

Seeking help

Another thing that can help to facilitate healing is getting counseling, both individually and as a couple, and finding people who can help with establishing accountability in order to prevent a relapse.

Seeking help will only be effective if there is a renewed commitment to the relationship. Both partners need to be willing to put in the work required to rebuild their marriage, and each needs to be ready to actively invest in the relationship and in building up their spouse.

While it would take a lot of work to heal and restore a marriage after infidelity, it is not only possible to move on together, but it is possible to thrive in your marriage as well. If your marriage has been rocked by infidelity, you can reach out and talk with a Christian counselor in Texas. You and your spouse can rebuild your marriage on a stronger foundation.