Emotional Trauma in Relationships: Causes, Impact, and Finding Healing

Different kinds of wounds can be inflicted upon us, and we can inflict wounds upon others. From a young age, we learn that we can get hurt, that our actions have consequences, and that when we get hurt or hurt others, it can take time for healing to happen. Physical wounds are one thing, but emotional trauma is another kind of wound that can cause lasting damage in relationships as well as to a person’s well-being.

The playground retort that “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words alone won’t hurt me” is one way to respond to the mean things that someone says to you. Sticks and stones cause visible damage, and so the hurt they cause is obvious. However, it isn’t true that words can’t or don’t hurt. Words absolutely hurt, and even callous actions can leave a lasting negative impression. But what is emotional trauma, and how does it impact you?

A Wound Beneath the Surface

When someone says that they’ve experienced physical trauma, we know to give them a once-over to locate the hurt and then begin the process of treatment. When someone gets hurt in other ways, like emotionally, how do you even begin to know where to look and how to deal with it? Understanding emotional trauma is an important step that will get us closer to knowing what to look for, as well as understanding how it impacts someone.

Emotional trauma can be a deep psychological wound that is caused by an experience that overwhelms your ability to cope. Some wounds happen, but you’re able to take it in stride. A colleague makes a snide remark during a work meeting, but you’re able to keep things moving, shrugging it off. There are other times when certain actions or words overwhelm you, leading to trauma.

When you experience something that overwhelms you and results in emotional trauma, it affects the way you feel, think, and relate to other people. When your coping mechanisms are overwhelmed, you are left with a lingering sense of fear or even mistrust of others. The emotional pain that results may not be visible, but it can incapacitate you just as surely as a physical wound would.

Emotional Trauma in Relationships

How does emotional trauma happen in a relationship between a parent and child, or between romantic partners? People don’t necessarily set out to hurt each other, though sometimes they can be careless with their words and actions, causing harm to others. Emotional trauma can build up over time as certain patterns of behavior are repeated.

When you’re in a relationship with someone, emotional trauma can arise from several sources. If trust is broken repeatedly, perhaps through infidelity, or if a parent doesn’t keep their word to their child over and over again. It’s hard to cope with breaches of trust by someone you care about. When they occur more than once, the hurt caused can result in trauma.

Emotional trauma can also result if someone faces constant criticism or is manipulated, neglected, or abandoned by a loved one. Experiences like this diminish a person’s sense of self and the sense that they are loved and valued for who they are.

Other behaviors could also result in emotional trauma. Consider when a person feels unsafe in a relationship. This could be because of physical violence, or because they can’t freely share themselves without fear of reprisals. These can result in emotional trauma. Feeling unseen, or having your opinions, values, or contributions invalidated, can lead to a similar outcome.

The thing about emotional trauma is that it doesn’t necessarily take a huge, overwhelming, and unmistakable act to cause damage. “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” (Proverbs 18:21, NIV) Words can have profound implications, and even simple, subtle actions can damage another person for a long time.

Subtle daily interactions can build up over time and develop into trauma. Dismissing what your loved one thinks, overriding their feelings, ignoring their emotional needs, and making snide or belittling comments can poison the relationship. This associates the relationship with pain and chips away at joy in the relationship.

The Impact of Emotional Trauma in Relationships

We take physical injuries seriously because they are visible, and it’s easy to see how they impair and affect the person who’s been injured. A broken limb will often look broken. It will stop functioning, and trying to use it will cause significant pain. Emotional and psychological wounds are just as debilitating, but they can be masked and harder to detect.

When a relationship becomes a site of hurt and emotional trauma, it becomes associated with pain. Instead of being happy to come home to be with your folks over the holidays, it’s easier to avoid them and come up with excuses for why you need to stay on campus over the break. Withdrawal is thus one impact of emotional trauma.

Emotional trauma also results in defensiveness because the relationship feels hostile, unsafe, and inhospitable. When you get hurt, your defenses go up, and you can begin responding to everyday situations from that posture of defensiveness. You don’t want to get hurt again, so you do what you can to protect yourself from hurtful comments, manipulation, or being dismissed.

Emotional trauma changes how people relate to one another. The dynamic of the relationship shifts. Instead of being spontaneous with one another, one or both parties are now on edge. They carry a sense of being misunderstood, and conflict looms over every interaction. Intimacy suffers as the relationship enters a cycle that can include resentment, avoidance, and constant conflict and arguments.

Emotional trauma results in a disconnection between people. The hurt, distrust, and lack of safety that come from the experiences that lead to emotional trauma also result in disconnection. If you belittle someone’s comments or opinions, they are likely to close themselves off and stop sharing what they think and feel. Parent and child, brother and sister, husband and wife, and friends become distant from one another, affecting the relationship.

Finding Healing from Emotional Trauma

Can a relationship that’s been damaged by emotional trauma find its way back? The Lord can do “immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us.” (Ephesians 3:20, NIV) You can trust Him to work in your relationship, but part of the process also requires consistent effort from the parties involved.

Some of the key steps that can lead a relationship toward healing and wholeness include the following:

Honest conversations To move forward, honest, open, and non-judgmental conversations need to happen. Without these, it’s nearly impossible to rebuild the trust that’s been lost or to identify the issues at play.

A safe environment To have such vulnerable conversations, it is important to create a safe environment where both parties feel emotionally secure enough to begin the healing process. This includes choosing the right time and place for the conversation, setting clear boundaries and ground rules for the conversation, being specific about problem behaviors, and listening actively to each other.

Taking stock and acknowledgement Personal healing from emotional trauma can be challenging, and it requires self-reflection and recognizing unhealthy patterns and responses in the relationship. Naming these patterns and behaviors appropriately is a key first step, as it will help you to process your emotions and as you learn to reclaim your sense of safety.

Both parties must recognize and acknowledge the harm caused, and they must also validate each other’s pain and experiences.

Accountability It is hard to talk about trauma and the ways you’ve hurt each other. The individual who contributes to the trauma needs to be accountable and take responsibility for their actions, without being defensive. Taking accountability is a great step, which can be followed up with active steps to develop healthier ways of communicating and behaving.

Seek support When you experience emotional trauma, whether the other person acknowledges their role in it or not, you can find support from a professional counselor. A counselor can help you to prioritize self-care so that you can find healing and take care of your well-being.

Connect with a Christian Counselor in Texas

At Texas Christian Counseling, we can provide you with the tools you need to heal. I would be happy to help you create healthy boundaries, repair trust, manage triggers, and change unhealthy responses and behaviors that damage relationships. Healing from emotional trauma takes time, and it doesn’t get resolved overnight.

With guidance from a counselor, you can find your way toward better mental health and stronger relationships. Contact our office today to schedule an appointment with me or another therapist in our online directory.