Helpful Tips for Your First Year of Marriage

Many couples enter their first year of marriage with high expectations of a fairytale story. Unfortunately, most couples soon get hit with the reality of life: disagreements, mounting bills, plus an array of other life stressors. While new beginnings are exciting and often rewarding, it’s unrealistic to believe that uniting two separate people from varying backgrounds and with different experiences will go seamlessly.

What makes the first year of marriage such a challenge? Several factors can contribute to the tumultuous nature of the early stages of most marriages. Here are a few issues that can arise during these founding years and how to deal with them.

Legally Bound

For young couples, being legally bound to another person for the first time can be overwhelming. Likewise, being financially bound to another person can feel intimidating and restrictive. This feeling can be amplified if the two people in the marriage have a different spending and saving style or are not equally mature in their fiscal responsibility. Merging money and legal responsibilities with another person can cause stress in any relationship.

For older couples, merging money and legal responsibilities can also be stressful. Though many older couples have learned a few life lessons about fiscal responsibility, one or the other in the marriage will likely come to the union with more financial experience, successful, or with financial burdens. This creates an automatic hierarchy that can be difficult to overcome.

To overcome this obstacle, therapists recommend open discussions, a unified course of action, accountability, and an intentional approach. Couples need to be willing to be transparent and blunt about their own financial and legal shortcomings at the early stages of engagement and marriage.

Together, they should decide long-term financial goals and break those goals into smaller, actionable steps. It would be beneficial for couples to educate themselves by taking a financial planning course together.

Feeling Trapped in the First Year of Marriage

Most newly married people are excited about the prospect of spending a lot of time together with their spouse. Some soon realize that despite the benefits of a lot of shared time, there can be some pitfalls. Sometimes turf wars manifest in their own homes as daily routines set in.

Deciding who gets to control the remote or how to divide closet space may seem like an insignificant decision but may blossom into larger issues. When couples merge every aspect of their lives, they may lose out on their individualism. This loss might look like a petty squabble over closet space but may be a symptom of a larger issue.

When people who are used to spending a lot of time alone suddenly get thrown into living full-time with someone else, there are bound to be some adjustments. While some of these adjustments are just unimportant decisions about trivial things and exercising preferences, some are a result of a lack of personal space, feelings of anxiety, and fear of commitment.

Introverted people, only children, and people who are used to living by themselves may particularly resent having to include their new spouse in their daily routine and personal space.

Even people who would have considered themselves to be extroverted may find that the only reason they considered themselves extroverted was because they were able to recharge alone at home. Now that that is taken away from them, they may feel unexplained anxiety.

One of the best ways to address this issue is to maintain some healthy elements of your pre-marital individualism. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean that you can’t take a few minutes a day to celebrate the unique person that God has created you to be.

Take a jog by yourself or find a quiet place in a park to read your Bible or pray. If you enjoy art and your spouse doesn’t, don’t be afraid to go to the museum or gallery by yourself or with a friend. Being married doesn’t mean that you must spend every waking moment with each other.

Also, be mindful and respectful about personal space and belongings. When possible, designate an area for each spouse. Whether that individual space is an entire room or just a bathroom drawer, it’s important to maintain your individualism and not feel claustrophobic in the relationship.

Unequal Distribution of Responsibilities

Every person comes into a marriage with a unique background. How a person is raised can greatly impact how they view personal and household responsibilities. If one spouse comes from a home where household responsibilities are mainly left to the wife and another spouse comes from a single-parent household where the responsibility of the house falls mostly on one parent, there may be a massive disconnect about how household responsibilities should be distributed.

Each spouse may also have a different tolerance level for mess. One spouse may not be bothered by a sink full of dirty dishes and an overflowing trash can while the other is distracted and bothered by the mess. Whether a person has lived alone or with roommates before marriage may also affect how they view household responsibilities and what habits they may have picked up along the way.

It’s important to have open and loving communication regarding the distribution of household responsibilities. Take into consideration each spouse’s personal viewpoint, health, work schedule, preferences, and the family dynamic in which they were raised. Most importantly, it is essential to practice patience and grace while discussing how to distribute responsibilities.

Heightened Pressure in the First Year of Marriage

Many newly married couples find that the first year of marriage brings an unexpected new burden of outside pressure. Many couples are ill-prepared for the time when the excitement of the engagement and wedding planning is in the rearview mirror and real-life responsibilities set in. Beyond the practical pressures of bills, decision-making, and merging lives, comes the pressure often added by extended families and close friends.

Deciding which side of the family to visit during the holiday season and how to negotiate with overly intrusive in-laws only adds to the pressures a newly married couple must face. Loved ones may inadvertently add additional pressure by asking intrusive questions about starting a family or past personal or relational issues the couple has faced.

Setting boundaries with family and friends in your first year of marriage is so important to avoid misunderstandings and miscommunication. If you have subjects that you aren’t comfortable discussing, politely communicate them to your loved ones. If you have made plans with your in-laws, firmly and respectfully communicate that to the other side of the family and assure them that they are important to you and that you will spend time with them soon.

Communication Breakdown

During the first year of marriage, couples often struggle with miscommunications and misunderstandings. Differences in communication styles, unspoken expectations, and emotional baggage from past experiences can all contribute to these issues.

One common problem is that couples may assume their partner understands their needs and feelings without needing to say anything. Newly married couples may feel experienced in their relationship and rely on past emotional intimacy to replace authentic verbal communication. This often leads to disappointment and frustration when those unspoken needs aren’t met.

Couples may also have different ways of expressing and processing emotions which can lead to conflict if not addressed properly. While you might feel experienced as a couple, marriage introduces new roles and expectations. Don’t rely on the communication from your dating days to translate into good marital communication.

Some couples feel awkward in their new roles as husband and wife and rely on politeness, formality, and convention to communicate. This can lead to communication that isn’t genuine or authentic.

To improve communication, it is important to be open and honest with each other about your thoughts and feelings. Practice active listening which means truly paying attention to your spouse without interrupting or assuming you understand without listening to the full explanation. Don’t plan your response while they are speaking but reflect on what you’ve heard to ensure that you understood correctly. In a nutshell, listen to understand.

It can also be helpful to set aside regular times to talk about your relationship and any issues that may have arisen. This time set aside to talk must be a good time for both of you. This can prevent small problems from escalating into larger conflicts. Remember to approach these conversations with empathy and willingness to understand your spouse’s perspective.

Resolution: Seeking Therapy in the First Year of Marriage

Couples therapy can be an invaluable tool for all couples but is particularly beneficial for newlyweds who are still creating boundaries and merging lives. A therapist can help each spouse recognize their communication style, priorities, and views on marriage and act as a mediator for issues that arise. A therapist can also offer practical suggestions that can help couples through common and unique challenges in their marriage.

Marriage is a journey that requires continuous effort, patience, and unconditional love. Embrace the ups and downs as opportunities to grow closer together and deepen your connection. With a commitment to support each other and working through challenges, you can create a fulfilling and enduring partnership that will stand the test of time.

To learn more about how a therapist can help, contact our office today.