How Can I Save My Marriage?

You might feel like you are at the end of your rope regarding your marriage. Everything seems to be going wrong. You never knew how many pet peeves you had until you lived with this other adult.

Perhaps the problems with your marriage go beyond pet peeves. Maybe you have been betrayed, lied about, or lied to by the one person who is supposed to stand by your side. Or perhaps you made a marriage-ending mistake that you cannot take back.

Yet, you still love your spouse. The hurt in your heart is deep and takes your breath away. Your feelings are a kaleidoscope of anger, hurt, rage, guilt, sadness, shame, and numbness. You want to save your marriage but don’t know how to take the first step.

You know there is a chance. Maybe the slightest chance. Now, the question is, “How can I save my marriage?”

How to Answer the Question: “How can I save my marriage?”

“How can I save my marriage?” is a common question. There is always hope when love is present. Problems should be addressed as soon as possible with open communication. Don’t be afraid to ask for advice from a marriage counselor or pastor.

The following are characteristics needed for a successful marriage:

• Commitment
• Faithfulness
• Honesty
• Sacrifice
• Communication
• Encouragement and support

If you feel like you dropped the ball on one or more of these traits (or your spouse did), know there is still hope. You can still develop the above traits and save your relationship.

If you want your marriage to thrive, make Jesus Christ the cornerstone of the union. When a couple walks with God, He pours out His blessings as He created man and woman to walk side by side.

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him. – Genesis 2:18, NLT

Tips for Strengthening a Marriage

Your focus now is on repairing and strengthening your marriage. Do you remember the first time you knew your spouse was the one? You were probably hyper-aware of when they walked into a room. You wanted to know them, find out what made them tick, and learn about their favorite interests and hobbies. Maybe you sacrificed your time to see them.

Rekindling your marriage is much the same. It is romancing your partner while keeping in mind that you both have grown. You may say, “But I’ve been married for twenty years. I know everything about my partner. How can I save my marriage now?”

But ask yourself if you still like the same things you did twenty years ago. Do you still have the same hobbies and participate in the same activities as you did at the beginning of the relationship? Do you still have the same dreams for your future, or did that change as you grew emotionally and spiritually?

It is the same with your spouse. You are living with someone who has changed, but maybe you are unaware. The following is a list of tips to rediscover your mate and reconnect.

Respect each other’s individuality

When you start dating or are newly married, you may spend almost every waking moment together. However, each person needs to maintain their own sense of individuality. It is easy to get bogged down by family and work responsibilities and “forget” who you are when you are not assuming these roles.

When you do not acknowledge this part of who you are, it can leave you feeling discontent. Don’t feel slighted when your spouse opts to do something for themselves, such as participating in a sport or hobby. Find the activity that births joy in your soul, too. Then, when you are together, the time will be sweeter, and you will have something to share.

Spend quality time together

With those adult responsibilities hanging over your head, prioritizing each other can be challenging. Yet, you need to spend quality time together doing something you both love to strengthen your marriage.

After the children are grown, you will only have each other. Don’t wait until then to find common ground again. Plan a date night and schedule it. Keep your dates with your spouse like a doctor’s appointment. Find activities you can do together. Even a walk in the park, discussing your dreams and goals as a couple, can do wonders.

Practice self-care

When we let ourselves go, we fill our heads with negative self-talk. We don’t feel good about our appearance or body, which may result in less sex in the marriage. Work on improving yourself. Do this little step not for your spouse but for your own physical and mental health.

How you treat yourself can reflect how you expect others to treat you. If there is a deeper reason why you are neglecting yourself, contact a counselor for help. When you look and feel better, it shifts your mindset and bolsters your confidence.

Work on emotional intimacy

Intimacy is not just physical. Emotional intimacy is the deeper bond and connection between you and your spouse. Often, a marriage breaks down due to a lack of emotional intimacy and connectedness.

Think about the small things you do for your spouse or what they do for you. Maybe it is pouring a cup of coffee in the morning for them or pulling their legs into your lap during evening TV. It’s the little pats as you walk by and the smile from an inside joke. Work on rebuilding that emotional bond.

Forgive, forgive, forgive

Relationships are about grace. Offering grace when someone you love messes up reflects Christ’s love for His people. Learn to forgive and work through problems.

Of course, some situations require you to forgive but walk away from them. Talk to a counselor about those situations. However, most couples need to extend grace and forgiveness to their spouse to move forward.

Talk about your future dreams and goals as a couple

Dreams can change. For example, maybe as a young couple, you wanted to get to the top of your respective careers and buy a home. Now, twenty years later, you want to downsize since the children are grown and start your own business.

Does your partner like that, too? Are they onboard, or do they have a dream of their own that conflicts? Communicate about the future and how to make things work for both of you.

Seek counseling when needed

A successful marriage requires communication, interpersonal, conflict resolution, and anger management skills. Counseling is an effective way to ensure that you both are equipped to handle most obstacles that may hit your marriage.

The following is a list of reasons why couples choose counseling to strengthen their marriage:

• Needed skills to communicate better or defuse volatile situations
• Family drama
• Problems with raising children
• Infidelity and affairs
• Substance abuse
• Anger
• Blended families
• Addiction
• Codependency
• Depression and anxiety
• Mental health disorders
• Sexual intimacy issues
• Emotional intimacy issues
• Insecurity
• Effects of trauma on the relationship
• Hardship, such as bankruptcy, eviction, or natural disaster
• Death and grief
• Life event changes, such as a new job, big move, loss of a loved one, or new baby

Don’t wait until you can no longer stand the sight of each other before you seek help. A third party can mediate before things get to the divorce stage.

Local Christian Marriage Counseling

If you ask yourself, “How can I save marriage?” consider psychotherapy from a Christian perspective. Talk therapy, couples therapy, group counseling, and other evidence-based methods combine with faith-based principles to deepen your relationship with each other and with God. You learn invaluable skills for communication and conflict resolution.

Take the first step. Contact us to schedule a session with a Christian counselor specializing in marriage counseling. We would love to work with you in person or virtually.