How to Forgive a Parent for Unintentional Harm

Navigating hurt and trauma is a complicated process, but it is much more complicated when parents or caregivers inflicted the damage. Even the most well-intentioned parents sometimes damage us in ways we never even realized were possible. Many adults live with PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) as a direct result of the treatment they experienced as children.

Maybe your parents maliciously mistreated you, or perhaps their errors stemmed more from neglect and oversight. Either way, to heal and move forward in life, you will find that you have to forgive. Forgiveness is not about expecting an apology, or even acknowledgment for the harm that was caused. Forgiveness is more about processing the emotions around an event and allowing those emotions to resolve so that you can move forward in your life.

How do we forgive our parents for how they have hurt us? How do we even begin a conversation about it? Whether you have a family that is open to such discussions, or one that is conflict-avoidant, you may feel stuck in not knowing how to approach the topic of trauma confrontation and forgiveness toward a parent.

What Unintentional Harm Looks Like

Many parents damage us without meaning to. It might take years to realize how their treatment affected us or to link our current struggle with our childhood experiences. However, just because their treatment may not have been abusive, does not mean that it did not deeply affect us.

For example, someone may have had incredibly hardworking parents growing up. The parent’s perspective is that they cared for their kids by working hard to pay rent and afford school fees. However, their absence in the home amounted to neglect. A child cannot conceptualize worldly stresses, like school fees and rent. The child’s experience was not having the attention, affection, or availability of their parents when they needed them the most.

This led the child to develop an anxious-avoidant attachment style, something that will affect all of their later relationships. As an adult, they may experience intimacy issues, not trusting anyone enough to develop a meaningful relationship, and always afraid that whomever they get close to will leave. When they do enter a relationship, they may come to deeply resent their partner’s job demands because it echoes their childhood experience of a career having more value than them.

Many parents set unrealistic goals for their children and place unfair pressure on them to reach these goals. The parent intends to say, “I love you and want you to have the best future you can have,” however, the child hears “I only love you when you are perfect.” The child then begins to act accordingly, desperate to earn their parent’s affection.

As teens, they become overly goal-oriented and unravel when they fail in any area. As adults, they have high expectations of themselves and those around them, which may even garner admiration from onlookers or result in promotions in their careers. But the driving force behind their actions is trauma, specifically, the trauma of being told indirectly that “you are only worth something when you achieve something.”

Other common ways that parents inadvertently contribute to PTSD in their children’s adult lives are overlooking their children’s minor achievements, not listening to or valuing their children’s voices, and overlooking or placing too much emphasis on their children’s abilities. Something as simple and common as regularly moving houses, as in the case of resettling in new places for work, can greatly unsettle their children to the point of always feeling unsettled in their adult lives.

None of these treatments is anything we would label as “abuse,” and it might seem trivial or even disrespectful to talk of such things. But as mature adults who are intent on growing, healing, and learning, we should not be afraid or reluctant to confront such topics.

Effects of Childhood Trauma on Adults

A tree that is damaged or restricted in its sapling stage will continue to grow, but it may be stunted, crooked, or might struggle to bear fruit as it reaches maturity. We as people are remarkably similar in this way. The effects of being neglected, manipulated, or spoiled in our developmental stage are a variety of issues that affect our adult lives.

Childhood trauma affects adults in two areas: mental health issues and behavioral changes. There is often overlap between these two, but it is helpful to look at these as distinct areas for the sake of learning.

Mental Health Issues The most common effects of childhood trauma on our mental health as adults are depression, anxiety disorder, PTSD, and addiction. In many instances, these are issues that were also present in parents, family members, or caregivers. There is treatment available in the form of therapy, counseling, and medical prescriptions for each of these issues, but for some people, these may be areas that never fully resolve.

Behavioral Changes As we have already said, our attachment styles develop early in life, and it is with these styles that we connect with those around us as adults. This leads to a host of issues that serve as a direct link from our traumatic past to our adult present. These include insecurity, fear of abandonment or rejection, fear of commitment, perfectionism, codependency, and being unable or afraid to express emotions, among others.

How to Forgive a Parent for the Unintentional Harm

We are all at various stages of the healing journey and sometimes working out the next step is the hardest part. Here are some thoughts you can begin meditating on as you consider your next step.

Your parents were no monsters, but they were also not perfect If you had decent, hardworking parents, then the chances are they tried their best to raise you. This doesn’t minimize any pain you may have experienced, but it does help you feel compassion for them as you begin to reconcile the messiness of the past.

The fact is, you must hold two truths in tension with each other: the first is that your parents loved you and tried their best. The second is that they didn’t get it right and caused harm. Get used to sitting with these facts, because not all of life is binary.

Small pains are still significant pains One of the ways we cope with parent-caused trauma is to minimize or gaslight ourselves into believing that “it was no big deal,” or that we were overreacting. Maybe it was your parents who told you this themselves. It is simply not true.

Any time you felt belittled, any feeling of being neglected or having your boundaries violated, or any specific incident you can recall means something to you in your adult life. Often, we need to confront these “small” events and uncover the pain behind each one to move on and offer our parents forgiveness for their errors.

The past is not in the past In a similar vein, there is often a voice in the back of our heads as we start confronting our past that says, “Let sleeping dogs lie,” or “The past is in the past.” This has the same reductive effect of saying “Get over it.” If it were that easy to do, we would do it.

Research shows that events as far back as infancy can have repercussive effects on adults in their thirties, forties, and older. Maybe your parents are not to blame for each of these events, but talking about them with your parents can be a solid step forward.

It’s all about healing It is good to remind ourselves that we are not dredging up issues from the past for the sake of it. We are confronting issues that have been left unexplored because we want to find healing and resolution. This is not a personal attack on your parents. This is a mature conversation and possibly a learning opportunity for them too.

Next Steps

Everyone has adverse childhood experiences, some more than others. As adults, we have a perspective on our childhood that we have never had before. Through the lenses of maturity and insight, we can look back and say, “That was not right.”

It may be a long, painful, and complicated journey to forgiveness, and there may be more issues than we first thought. But forgiving parents for unintentional harm is a step we cannot skip if we want to find inner peace and healing.

This is a personal journey that you may wish to go on alone, however, we recommend talking with a counselor or therapist. It may seem too personal or trivial for you to speak to a counselor but having professional insight in a confidential atmosphere is something that could prove to be quite valuable.

There are professional counsellors ready and available, so please do not hesitate to contact our office to book your appointment today.