How to Spot Subtle Toxicity in a Relationship

We live in days when cancel culture is a hot-button topic in society. Celebrities, politicians, and people with any kind of influence are held to a level of scrutiny that does not allow for failure of any sort, especially moral failure. In discussions about toxic work environments and holding people accountable for injustice, it is often encouraged that we should apply the same type of critical evaluation to relationships.

Intimacy is often found once we expose the most shameful parts of ourselves to each other and hold each other’s confidence. Relationships are frequently about forgiveness for failings, bad behavior, and mistakes.

But where do we draw the line on this? How do we know what is simply a flawed, but lovable person, and what is toxic behavior that is best to avoid? Is there redemption for toxicity?

What constitutes toxicity in a relationship?

Many of us enjoy a good fight. There is a personality type that rises to confrontation with ease and even enjoyment, and they can express themselves well. These types enjoy it when a partner or friend matches their passionate energy, and they respond to criticisms or accusations with eloquence and ease.

In many cases, this type of confrontation doesn’t do much harm. It can feel quite therapeutic to be direct and say what’s on our minds, even if it feels negative once we’ve said it.

When two confrontational types are in a relationship, there may be a constant butting of heads. To someone who is not as comfortable with directness, their conversations or communication style might be alarming to witness.

However, with hot and zesty folks, the anger, aggression, or passion that fires up usually dissipates as easily. After a heated conversation, it is not unusual for both partners to move on without any wounded feelings. If they were hurt by some barbed comment, they would most likely express their pain to their partner.

This communication style and personality dynamic can be healthy, but like with any other couple, it can be a breeding ground for toxicity. When we demand space for our opinions or dominate conversations by raising our voices, we are essentially communicating that we must be heard over everyone else.

We are saying that our thoughts and feelings are the most important. This is a type of narcissism, and it extends beyond communication. Narcissists believe that they are more important than anyone else, even their partner, and as such must be heard, respected, and get their way all the time.

This type of toxicity is overt, or obvious. It might start as a partner communicating in a brash or outspoken way, holding fiercely onto their values, and end up as dominating, bullying, belittling, minimizing, manipulative, or controlling behavior.

We might forgive a single wrong action, like being wounded by a partner’s words during a fight. But it becomes more difficult to forgive or excuse repeated offenses. If the majority of a partner’s communication is negative, criticizing, or barbed with insults, it is toxic.

Overt toxic behavior extends beyond a person’s words and communication style. A dominant person is also often a jealous and controlling person. Again, this is part of narcissistic behavior.

If they cannot compromise, surrender, or admit their weaknesses or wrongdoings, then they are acting in a toxic way. The problem with narcissists is that they refuse to accept responsibility for their actions when confronted, which makes it very difficult to forgive or overlook their faults.

Subtle toxicity

It is not uncommon for us to reevaluate a relationship at some point and wonder how and where things went wrong. In these cases, there may have been subtle toxicity that slowly poisoned the atmosphere within the relationship.

It can be incredibly difficult to gain perspective on a relationship, especially when some toxic behavior leaves you feeling as if you are constantly the antagonist while your partner plays the victim.

As difficult as overt toxicity is to confront (because the person at fault often denies blame), subtle toxicity is hard to simply identify. The people who use subtle toxic tactics are often not the same ones who scream and shout during arguments.

They may be soft-spoken and appeal to our rational thinking, or they may be avoidant on issues, choosing not to have direct conversations about any emotional topic. These people can be dishonest, never fully revealing their truth, or else letting you in just enough for you to be satisfied that nothing is wrong.

Narcissism can either be grandiose or vulnerable, and this relates to toxicity in relationships. The dominant personality types tend to align more with grandiose narcissism; they demand attention, control the values in a relationship or family, and have little empathy. Vulnerable narcissists swing from being brash and loud in their personalities to being openly upset and tender, believing themselves to be victims of almost all issues.

There is a spectrum to both types of narcissistic behavior, which means that a partner might not always be problematic. Toxicity in a relationship might be a little like a gas leak: it is released in small doses and builds slowly over time.

It might be in gaslighting, dishonesty, jealousy, accusations, or microaggressions. It eventually poisons the atmosphere until all it takes is one spark of an argument to bring the house down.

To flee or to forgive?

We may hold onto a toxic relationship for a variety of reasons, and it may take time to uncover what those reasons are. For some of us, abusive and controlling people are all we have known from childhood. It might feel familiar to be mistreated and spoken to in toxic ways, even though it doesn’t feel good.

The saying “we accept the love we think we deserve” might be true in these cases. Unresolved childhood trauma often dictates the types of relationships we seek out.

We may have successfully convinced ourselves that our partner will change eventually, and all we have to do is remain in their corner and hope for the best. This is usually the case for subtle toxicity but can be true for abusers of all types. If we have a loyal personality, we will likely make many excuses for our partner’s toxicity, all the while making it difficult to take any form of action.

If we have recognized toxic patterns in our relationship, the thing we might want to do is ask ourselves what we want to do next. In the case of marriage, particularly when children are involved, this can be a very complicated question.

Remaining with someone toxic, regardless of the type or method of toxicity, can have disastrous long-term effects on our mental, emotional, and even physical health. That’s not to mention what effect it has on children if they are involved.

In the case of a marriage with children, our priority must always be our kids and ourselves. We owe them a healthy environment to grow up in, and that’s not something we can offer them if our well of self-esteem is poisoned.

In a romantic relationship or close friendship, our choice might appear more obvious, but it can be equally hard to do the right thing for ourselves. The next step we might consider is getting counseling or therapy. Speaking to a neutral party, especially one who is knowledgeable about the human psyche could be the support that is needed.

Perhaps we have decided the relationship is worth fighting for, and we have confronted our partner and they have taken responsibility for their actions. This is a positive step, but it is only the start of the journey.

Our character is built over decades on repeated habits, and it is not easy to change. Change does not happen after a single conversation, either. Our next step, in this case, might be getting couples counseling.

The long way home

Bear in mind that the journey from toxicity to healthiness is often a complicated one, and it requires a lot of dedication and intentionality. It might resemble coming clean from a substance abuse problem, seeing as the reason we indulge in toxic behavior is usually that it serves us.

It may be hard to walk away from behavioral patterns that have fed our need to be in control. The type of therapy required might be Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) which is something that takes place over years, potentially.

In the end, it is our own choice as to what we do about a toxic relationship. Even after choosing to salvage the relationship, we might find that the damage was more extensive than we realized. Whatever choice we make, it is best to venture forwards with support from friends, family, or professionals.

Reaching out

Whether you feel you would benefit from a single consultation with a counselor, or whether you are looking for a long-term therapist or qualified couples counselor, we can help. We can connect you with a professional counselor who will partner with you on the road to healing or mending a relationship damaged by toxicity. The road ahead may be long, but you need not walk it alone.