Moving Toward Healthy Nurture and Away from Parental Codependency

You probably know the verse from the Psalms, which says that children are a gift or heritage from the Lord (Psalm 127:3, NIV). A child ought not to be taken for granted or treated as anything less than a sacred trust from the Lord. One of the challenges that many parents face is how best to discharge this huge responsibility, and it’s not always easy determining the best way to carry out this huge responsibility, and it’s not always easy.

Parents can falter in many ways in raising their children. A parent might exasperate their child or fail to bring them up in the way of the Lord (Ephesians 6:10). A parent might be emotionally or physically absent, or like David, they may fail to act justly and have a falling out with their child (2 Samuel 13-18). Another way a parent might struggle to fulfill their mandate is on account of parental codependency.

Parental Codependency – Its Signs and Characteristics

“Codependency” is a term that has lodged itself firmly in our lives and has become part of our vocabulary in ways it wasn’t a decade or more ago. When a parent and child relationship is codependent, that means there is a dysfunctional pattern. The shape of this dysfunction is that the parents’ identity, sense of purpose, and emotional well-being depend largely on their child’s choices, life, and achievements.

Parents are invested in the success of their children, and becoming a parent does change you, shifting your horizons and considerations about what matters in life. However, your life and your child’s life aren’t the same thing, and if your well-being depends on what happens in your child’s life, there is an imbalance and an overinvestment of your identity in your child.

Parental codependency is unhealthy for both the parent and their child. Instead of allowing both to flourish, it hinders growth. Parental codependency is marked by overinvolvement in a child’s life. Such excessive involvement will often include controlling or manipulating the child’s decisions often includes controlling or manipulating the child’s decisions, whether the child is a minor or an adult child with their own family.

It may also include enmeshment; the parents’ emotions are so intertwined with their child’s that the parent can’t separate or distinguish their own emotions. Enmeshment also betrays a lack of boundaries in the parent-child relationship.

When a parent doesn’t set and maintain healthy boundaries, they become over-reliant on their child for emotional validation and support. The parents’ sense of identity also gets tied in closely with their child, meaning that they view themselves, their purpose, and their worth primarily or exclusively through the lens of their child’s achievements, successes, or failures.

Lastly, parental codependency is also often characterized by enabling behaviors. The parent enables their child’s unhealthy behaviors, such as poor decision-making with money or relationships, or substance abuse and addictions. The parent will come to the rescue, opting to ‘help’ instead of encouraging accountability. This happens due to a fear of conflict, abandonment, or rejection between the parties involved.

Possible Causes of Parental Codependency

Why might a parent be codependent with their children? Many different, complex factors could be at the root of why a parent engages in codependent behavior in their relationship with their child. When a parent understands the factors contributing to codependent behavior, it’s a good place to begin addressing the underlying issues. Some of these reasons and factors for parental codependency include the following:

Background and childhood experiences If a person has unresolved issues of trauma, neglect, or abuse, they may have an insecure attachment pattern, which makes them more prone to codependency. Having an overly controlling parent can model codependent behavior, which is replicated later in life. Dysfunction through emotional unavailability, mental health issues, or substance abuse can also play a role.

If a parent has a fear of abandonment or rejection rooted in their own life experiences, they can become overly attached to their child or overcompensate in codependent ways.

Unmet emotional and psychological needs A parent may seek to meet this need through their child if they have an unfulfilled need for validation or love. A parent with poor confidence or self-esteem might also rely on their child’s achievements for validation and a boost to their self-worth.

Societal and cultural influences The expectations placed upon a parent, through society, social media, and the culture, may apply pressure to be a “perfect” parent. Unrealistic parenting standards and dysfunctional parenting, which encourage finding validation in a child’s achievements, can also contribute to codependent behaviors.

Additionally, if a parent doesn’t have support or resources, they may come to rely more heavily on their child for emotional support and comfort.

Mental health and other factors If a parent has a substance abuse disorder, their ability to be present for their child and retain the appropriate roles may be compromised. The parent may come to depend on their child for emotional and financial support.

Traumatic experiences or significant stressors, like losing a job or getting divorced, could also be a trigger for codependent behaviors in a parent. Certain mental health conditions, such as depression, personality disorders, or anxiety, may increase the possibility and risk of codependent behaviors.

The Effects of Parental Codependency

When a parent is enmeshed with their child and exhibits other codependent behaviors, it disrupts the parent-child relationship significantly, which can have wide-ranging effects on both of them.

For one thing, it can stifle the child’s development as an individual. Being overly involved in the child’s life can lead to struggles with self-reliance, decision-making, and independence, as the child doesn’t develop these crucial life skills.

When you’re too deeply involved in another person’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences, one of the results of that is increased levels of stress and anxiety. An enmeshed relationship can also model and communicate poor boundaries, which can have other detrimental effects, such as poor self-care.

Another effect of parental codependency is that it can create an imbalance in other relationships. Enmeshment and over-involvement in that relationship could mean not being as present in other relationships with friends, family members, or romantic partners. People need a variety of relationships to flourish, and parental codependency can stifle that in the parent and their child.

Parental codependency can also erode the parent-child relationship and its health. The relationship may become riddled with resentment, criticism, manipulation, and guilt. To maintain the unhealthy dynamic, a parent may have to sacrifice their well-being, or the child may be made to do things they don’t want to in order to validate or meet another need their parent has. Such a dynamic isn’t sustainable in the long term.

Moving Toward Healthy Nurture

For a codependent parent, healthy and nurturing parenting may look and feel unnatural. It involves creating distance so your child thrives on their own, which is supposed to be the way of things.

It was played heavily for laughs, but the relationship between one of the characters of the hit sitcom The Big Bang Theory and his mother betrayed a deeply codependent dynamic that hindered his growth.

Moving toward healthy nurture requires recognizing the signs of parental codependency and acknowledging that it is detrimental to both the parent and their child. One of the biggest obstacles to change is that the codependent dynamic may feel quite normal, and one can even feel convinced that it’s what good parenting looks like.

However, the stunted emotional growth, resentment, anger, guilt, or manipulation that characterizes this relationship should be a clue that things aren’t the way they’re supposed to be. A child is meant to become more independent of their parent and to have their own ideas, dreams, and life. It’s the parents’ job to equip them to leave the nest and live their own lives, facing and overcoming challenges with the resources they have.

Both the parent and child need to establish boundaries to encourage self-reliance, independence, and healthy decision-making. Such boundaries include when to give input regarding decisions, respecting the child’s decisions, and creating room for accountability.

Another important step to take is nurturing emotional intelligence. This refers to the ability to recognize, understand, and manage their own emotions, as well as the ability to acknowledge and respond appropriately to the emotions of others. Both parents and children need to develop these skills.

Additionally, having a support network that’s wider than the parent-child relationship is important. The child should be encouraged to form other relationships, such as with friends or other trusted adults like teachers, mentors, or coaches, so they don’t rely solely on the parent. The parent, for their part, should invest in other relationships with adults for support.

Lastly, professional help is a helpful and important tool to use. The parent and child, in their individual capacities, can walk with a therapist or counselor to develop healthier patterns of relating to others. The parent can grow in learning about the underlying issues and addressing these needs appropriately in healthy relationships.

To learn more about how a professional can help you address codependency in your parent-child relationship and to schedule an appointment, please contact our office today. I would love the opportunity to work with you to develop healthy relationships rather than codependent ones!