Signs of Marital Problems and How to Address Them

There is a story of a man named Hiroo Onoda, a Japanese second lieutenant in the Imperial Japanese Army, who didn’t know that World War 2 was over. For almost three decades after the war ended, Onoda, who was stationed on Lubang Island in the Philippines, remained in his post, convinced that the war was still ongoing. He only left the island in March 1974 when his former commanding officer was flown in to facilitate Onoda’s surrender.

One of the many remarkable things about this story is how the world was changing rapidly around Onoda, but he didn’t have a clue about it. Seismic changes can occur in one’s life, and it’s not always obvious to you, even though other people around you can see what’s happening. This can occur in marriage; you may have problems, but end up missing the signs that things aren’t as they should be.

Different Types of Marital Problems

Marital problems take various forms, and they can flow from different aspects of a relationship. Some of the more common types of marital problems that couples encounter include communication issues, a lack of intimacy or emotional disconnection, unresolved conflicts that lead to resentment and anger, financial issues, and unequal distribution of responsibilities and household chores.

Marriages may also face trust issues and difficulty trusting one another due to past behaviors such as infidelity. There may also be personal differences, conflicting values, interests, or lifestyle choices that cause friction between the spouses. Lastly, there may also be unaddressed mental health issues that may be affecting the relationship and the dynamics between the couple.

While these and other kinds of issues may be present in a relationship, the couple may not see these issues for what they are. That happens for a variety of reasons.

How and Why We Miss Signs

Some things seem as plain as day after the fact, or when a key clue or mind shift occurs. You can wind up chastising yourself for having missed something that was there all along. If you watch or read a mystery, the best writers know how to seed the story with all the clues. Perhaps they just don’t seem like clues when you first encounter them, but you recognize them as such later when all is revealed.

The question can be asked how someone could miss all the signs that their marriage was in trouble. There are many different reasons people can miss the signs that their marriage is in dire straits. Some possible explanations include the following:

Being emotionally numb When a person experiences conflict, disappointment, or stress over a prolonged period, they can become emotionally numb, and that numbness can make it hard to pick up on the signs that all is not well.

Denial A couple may downplay or deny the seriousness of the issues they’re experiencing. Sometimes they hope the issues will resolve themselves, or sometimes it’s too painful or difficult to imagine and own their present circumstances. Feelings of guilt or shame may also play a role in couples hiding or denying the issues they’re facing in their relationship.

Poor communication When there’s a lack of communication in a relationship, it’s harder for couples to recognize the warning signs and address them.

External pressures Facing issues such as family, work, or financial stress can serve as a distraction from paying closer attention to what’s going on in the relationship.

Unrealistic expectations If a couple has unrealistic expectations of what a healthy relationship looks like, they may overlook signs of trouble in their relationship. A couple may lack the necessary skill or knowledge to pick up on and address problems in the relationship.

Complacency and familiarity A couple that’s been together for a long time may be overly comfortable and familiar with one another, and such comfort can lead them to overlook warning signs or subtle changes that point to trouble.

For these and other reasons, a couple can overlook or choose to ignore the signs that there are issues in their relationship.

Some Signs of Marital Problems

There are many reasons a couple may not notice the signs that there is something wrong with their relationship. Some of the signs of marital problems include the following:

Increased criticism and blame Criticizing or blaming each other more frequently may point to underlying issues.

Being defensive and stonewalling If one or both partners become overly defensive or are unresponsive to each other’s concerns, there may be deeper issues in the marriage.

Emotional disconnection One or both spouses feel disconnected, unheard, or lacking validation, eroding the foundation of the relationship and signaling problems. When couples stop communicating effectively with each other, it can lead to feelings of isolation and disconnection.

Changes in intimacy and affection Decreased physical affection, intimacy, or emotional closeness is a concern that should be addressed. Infidelity, which is a serious breach of trust, is also a clear sign of marital issues.

Increased conflict and arguments More frequent or intense conflicts, especially about trivial issues.

Avoiding conversations Consistently avoiding talking about important subjects or issues is also a problem. This may lead to unresolved conflict and resentment.

Lack of shared activities and interests When couples stop engaging in activities they once enjoyed together, it can be a sign of drifting apart. Independence in a relationship is healthy, but a sudden increase in separate activities, hobbies, or friendships can also indicate disconnection in the relationship.

Passive-aggressive behavior Instead of expressing feelings directly and honestly, indirect expressions of anger or resentment, such as sulking or giving backhanded compliments, can be a sign of marital problems.

Financial disagreements and secrets Increased financial stress, ongoing disagreements, or secretive spending may also point to other problems in the relationship.

Feeling unhappy, unfulfilled, or restless Persistent feelings of unhappiness, lack of fulfilment, anxiety, or restlessness in the relationship for one or both spouses may also point to issues that need to be addressed.

Some of these signs of marital problems may be easy to miss, while others stick out more prominently. If you miss the signs of issues in the marriage, that doesn’t mean nothing can be done. Being able to acknowledge and name the issues is an important step, as is taking responsibility for your part in those problems.

Effectively Addressing Marital Problems

Resolving marital problems is something that takes both spouses. Acknowledging the issues, taking responsibility for them, and for one’s actions that have contributed to these issues is important. It takes intentional self-reflection to see your own part in the issues affecting the relationship.

In this process, it’s important to exercise empathy and understanding so that each spouse can see things from the other’s perspective and be able to validate their emotions and experience. Being compassionate and understanding toward one another helps the couple focus on the issues and the solutions, instead of placing blame.

The couple can rekindle emotional intimacy by sharing activities, having meaningful conversations, being intentional about being affectionate toward one another, and prioritizing quality time to nurture their connection. This will likely require the couple to identify and address underlying issues such as trust issues, unmet needs, or unresolved conflicts that have undermined trust and intimacy in the relationship.

To address the issues in their relationship, a couple doesn’t have to do it alone. Christian couples counseling or marriage counseling can be an effective tool to help couples talk through things and unpack the issues in their relationship. Through counseling, the couple can cultivate healthy communication habits that nurture their bond and help them resolve conflicts effectively, rebuilding their relationship on a strong foundation.

If you’re seeing some of these signs of difficulty in your marriage, please don’t wait to get the support you need. Contact me and my office – I’m here to walk with you toward healing and restoration, with guidance rooted in faith and compassion. Let’s take that first step together.