Relationship Advice for Men: How to Take a Breakup Well

Relationships don’t always work out the way you would like. Instead of finding the person you’ll spend the rest of your life with, you can end up feeling dejected and heartbroken because expectation and reality collide with horrible results. Heartbreak is common for both men and women, but how we handle those challenges and disappointments will vary from person to person.

A breakup can happen for several reasons at any stage of a relationship. Maybe you just weren’t compatible, and your differences generated conflict you just couldn’t overcome. Perhaps there were issues from your pasts that made things complicated and unhealthy, and you both chose to end things. Perhaps someone cheated on the other.

The breakup may have come as a surprise that left you utterly heartbroken, or it brought a sense of relief.

Whatever your situation may be, breakups require some emotional intelligence to navigate. It’s possible to go through a breakup well. On the contrary, you can make unhealthy choices that can magnify the devastating impact of a broken relationship. Below are some suggestions for how to position yourself to make good choices in the middle of and after a breakup.

Remember to whom you belong

When you are at rock bottom, feeling disappointed, hurt, and with your expectations shattered, your core convictions and values are displayed. Breakups can be brutal. Even when things end well, it can leave you feeling hesitant to enter another relationship. Anger, hurt, frustration, and despair can all make a person lash out, leading them to say and do things they’ll later regret.

Your circumstances shouldn’t alter whether you hold to your values, and being able to hold onto what we know to be true, despite our circumstances, is the substance of courage, conviction, and character.

You are a person made in God’s image, and your partner is also made in God’s image. No matter what the other person has said or done, they are still worthy of dignity and do not deserve abuse of whatever kind. Even if the breakup is the most unfair thing to happen to you, that does not justify treating someone in an abusive manner; resorting to generalizations about your ex, or women as a whole; or maligning your ex when speaking with others.

In many places in Scripture, we are reminded that we are not our own, but we were “bought with a price.” (1 Corinthians 6: 20, NIV) “So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” (1 Corinthians 10:31, ESV) Your identity as a person made in God’s image and as a child of God is foundational.

Likewise, if your life is in Jesus Christ, the Spirit will lead you toward love for your enemies and praying “for those who persecute you.” (Matthew 5:44, NIV) It will also help you avoid repaying anyone evil for evil. Instead, the goal is not to take revenge or be overcome by evil, but to “overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12: 17-21, NIV)

Going through a breakup isn’t always easy, but it’s possible to deal with the swirl of emotions and thoughts in a healthy way by remembering to Whom you belong. This can be done not because you are strong, but because the Lord is your strength. As 1 Chronicles 16:11, NIV reminds us, “Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.”

Set clear boundaries

It’s important when you’re going through a breakup that you are clear not only about where things stand but also about your next steps. If you have many friends in common or desire to remain friends, then you should be clear about what that means. Discuss how you’ll deal with social situations, or when either of you starts dating.

Some unhealthy behaviors in relationships can occur because of having no clarity about where you stand or where you’ll go from there. It’s good to be clear about the status of your relationship and to stick to it. If you’ve broken up and have decided to go your separate ways, then that means not sliding into her DMs when you’re feeling lonely.

In this age of social media, a healthy breakup with good boundaries may also mean deciding to not check on your ex via social media, following her posts and updates. You need to set clear boundaries for your interactions and your heart as well.

Don’t do things with your ex that you wouldn’t do with a platonic friend or your sibling. That means no cuddling up together in the same bed, and do not provide the same level of emotional and financial support as before.

The purpose of setting clear boundaries is to ensure that you create space to heal, and also that you don’t make an emotional investment in the relationship that isn’t justified by the nature of your relationship.

Acknowledge what you feel

All people, and not just men, try to cope with difficult things by putting up a brave face or pushing emotions down. When the present just feels too painful, we either retreat into a nostalgic past or run toward the future in hopes of finding refuge and salvation there. The 17th-century French philosopher, theologian, inventor, and writer Blaise Pascal once wrote,

We never keep to the present. We recall the past; we anticipate the future as if we found it too slow in coming and were trying to hurry it up, or we recall the past as if to stay its too rapid flight. We are so unwise that we wander about in times that do not belong to us, and do not think of the only one that does; so vain that we dream of times that are not and blindly flee the only one that is.

The fact is that the present usually hurts. We thrust it out of sight because it distresses us, and if we find it enjoyable, we are sorry to see it slip away. We try to give it the support of the future, and think how we are going to arrange things over which we have no control for a time we can never be sure of reaching.

Let each of us examine his thoughts; he will find them wholly concerned with the past or the future. We almost never think of the present, and if we do think of it, it is only to see what light it throws on our plans for the future. The present is never our end. The past and the present are our means, the future alone our end. Thus we never actually live, but hope to live, and since we are always planning how to be happy, it is inevitable that we should never be so. – Blaise Pascal

The present may hurt, but you do well to deal with it by acknowledging what you feel, whether that’s anger, hurt, embarrassment, fear, resentment, despair, or anxiety. You can get on with daily life such as work and hanging out with people, but don’t let those things become cover for naming what you’re feeling.

Begin the work of healing and growth. You need to face what you’re feeling so that it doesn’t undermine your relationships as well as your mental and emotional health now, and in the future.

Self-care matters

A breakup doesn’t have to call a halt on your life. It may at times seem as though the breakup means the loss of meaning in your life but maintaining healthy rhythms can help you as you process your new reality.

Eat well, sleep well, shower and groom yourself, and get some exercise. This is good for your body, mind, and emotional well-being. It’s far too easy to drown your sorrows in work, alcohol, drugs, or risky behavior, but taking that route will ultimately undermine your well-being.

Resist the temptation to sublimate what you’re feeling and to retreat from living your life. Don’t be afraid to try out new things, as this can help you immensely in rediscovering who you are apart from the relationship.

Say “Yes” to social interaction, as this can help you to create and maintain a healthy connection with others and aid you in recognizing that being single doesn’t mean being alone or lonely. Reconnect with old friends over a meal, movie, or a pickup game of basketball, and allow your wise friends to walk alongside you and speak into your life.

You know yourself best. If you tend to retreat into yourself and spiral into rumination, then maybe being out with people could be helpful for you. If you are an outgoing person who can at times use company to avoid dealing with your feelings, then maybe consider creating some “you” time to address where you’re at.

Being with others is great and helps to elevate our mood, but don’t use this to cover over feelings of inadequacy or to have easy hookups or a rebound relationship to numb the pain.

Don’t be afraid to ask for professional help

It’s okay to recognize that you might need help. One of the areas in which you may need help is to work on reestablishing trust. The circumstances of every breakup will vary. Getting help through individual counseling can help you process what you’ve gone through and provide you with the tools and language to name your feelings and deal with them maturely.

While providing a non-judgmental space, your counselor can help you address those areas where you may have contributed to the breakdown in your relationship. They can provide you with tools to cope with the stress of a breakup and help you develop a healthy outlook toward yourself and your relationships.

If you’re going through a difficult breakup, or you’re struggling in the aftermath of one, don’t hesitate to make an appointment with a counselor who will walk with you on your journey. Call our offices today and we will connect you to a Christian counselor from our directory. Start your healing journey today!