Secure Attachment: What it Is and How it Develops

Attachment refers to the nonverbal pattern of communication that develops between an infant and his or her mother during this most vulnerable stage of life when he or she is totally dependent on an adult for survival. Secure attachment is preferred.

The baby uses cues such as crying or fussing when distressed to attract the caregiver’s attention and let her know something is wrong. How these signs are responded to determines the quality and type of attachment formed. The more sensitive and responsive the parent is to his or her child’s nonverbal cues, the more secure the attachment between them will be.

Adult attachment styles are influenced by this first bond formed between a child and their mother and impact the way he or she learns to perceive themselves, others, and the world, as well as how he or she connects with people and forms relationships.

Children whose mothers are attuned to their cues, quick to respond, and do so consistently, in a warm and nurturing way, learn to feel safe, seen, valued, soothed, and supported. They feel a close connection to their parent, trust that they will be there for them, and can be relied on to be responsive to and provide for their physical and emotional needs. These children grow up to have a secure attachment style.

A secure attachment style is the healthiest form of attachment. It enables you to develop a positive self-image, be comfortable with intimacy, communicate your needs and feelings openly and honestly, listen to others with empathy, be resilient, and respond to conflict in a healthy way. It is the cornerstone for building healthy, emotionally stable friendships and romantic partnerships based on trust.

Characteristics of children with a secure attachment style

Children with a secure attachment style feel safe and supported by their parents or primary caregivers and tend to have a positive view of themselves and others.

They can play and check out their surroundings without fear of being abandoned, and tend to be more self-reliant, independent, and have better social and emotional regulation skills than children with other attachment styles. They see their caregiver as a secure base from which to explore their world and a safe haven to return to when they get tired or need comfort or support.

Securely attached children may show some signs of distress if their caregiver leaves their presence, but they know they can depend on her coming back, and are happy when she returns, and able to quickly calm themselves.

Characteristics of adults with a secure attachment style

Adults with a secure attachment style tend to have higher self-esteem, be more self-sufficient, confident, and independent, and are less prone to anxiety or depression. They have a greater ability to develop healthy, long-lasting, interdependent relationships built on trust than do people with other attachment styles.

They have clear boundaries; express themselves openly, honestly, and respectfully; and feel comfortable asking for help or emotional support when they need it. They tackle challenges and setbacks in healthy ways, are empathetic to their partner’s feelings, and are willing to see things from his or her perspective. They are also more likely to accept feedback without feeling criticized and are forgiving and able to extend grace both to their partner and themselves.

In romantic relationships, securely attached adults are willing to give their partner space to pursue separate interests without feeling jealous, possessive, or insecure.

Next steps

If you feel your attachment style is not secure and would like to set up a risk-free appointment with one of the faith-based counselors at Texas Christian Counseling to see how you may benefit from counseling, please don’t hesitate to give us a call.