What is Codependency and How Do I Know if I Have It?

Codependency can be influenced by various factors, including but not limited to low self-esteem, family dynamics, and insecure attachment styles. For example, survivors of traumas may internalize the belief that they are responsible for the happiness and well-being of others, leading to codependent tendencies.

What is codependency?

Codependency can be defined as an excessive reliance emotionally or psychologically on a person or thing that supports a belief in one’s identity. Part of being codependent is allowing your identity to rely on the validation of others.

We all have a natural longing to belong or be accepted. No one wants to feel like they don’t belong or feel rejected. Codependency is often rooted in a childhood experience that has created an idea of who you are. For example, “I am worthy if I make this person smile or happy.”

Then you develop ways that you have found work to make others happy or smile; for example, jokes, acting silly, getting good grades, not being late, working hard, and being the peacemaker. As we continue life using these ways to manage the uncomfortable feeling of rejection instead of understanding why we have this excessive need to please others, we can become overwhelmed and exhausted.

It would seem to be a natural way to find a way to manage an uncomfortable feeling and make the encounter more comfortable. Perhaps you can think of a time when a parent, friend, or spouse became angry or sad and you sensed either their sadness or anger.

How does codependency work?

Some may think they best manage the uncomfortable situation by avoiding the person. Or they may realize the situation becomes more manageable if they somehow do something to help that person “change” their behavior or that uncomfortable anger or sadness.

In looking into a codependent relationship there are many attachment styles or various other theories that might bring clarity to the behavior of those involved. The various ways one navigates or breaks down the dynamic of various relationships are almost endless.

Many people have spent the majority of their lives researching the relationships between people and things; why we do what we do when we do it and who we do it with. As a result, there are many good definitions of codependency. There are wonderful ways to navigate and look inside the relationship and the ins and outs of each person involved.

The person in the relationship behaves in ways that cause others to be uncomfortable because of their own experiences. Anger and sadness stem from their experiences and in their life’s journey they have discovered that to cope with their emotions, they must let out their emotions in an unhealthy way or find someone who can alleviate their uncomfortable emotions by making them smile or be happy.

As you can see both sides of the codependent relationship have found ways to manage. They have found a way of interaction that alleviates the uncomfortable feelings. They navigate the codependent relationship by using each other in a way that makes uncomfortable past experiences that are flowing into the present more manageable. Many go their entire life and never change because for them it is working.

One has to not only see that they are in a codependent relationship but also why they decided to use this way of coping. Many times one is almost groomed to be the caretaker or the emotional support of the other who suffered many emotionally upsetting events in their life.

For example, a parent longed to have their parent, partner, or friends be the ones who could bring them out of their sadness or their uncomfortable emotions. When they have a child who is dependent on them and alternately makes them smile or get frustrated, an unhealthy relationship can be formed.

Sometimes they are not ready to face those uncomfortable emotions and are not able to see or comprehend their sadness. All they know is that this other person (whoever it might be in the relationship) brings a smile when they are not feeling great, and they need them around.

Or they might need them to take care of things while they are not feeling happy, and they rely on this other person to alleviate their unhappiness. They can see that the other person does a wonderful job of taking care of them and they will even tell the other person this in some relationships.

Treatment for Codependency

A big part of working in therapy is to bring clarity to each one in various relationships and or situations by looking at how one manages emotions or uncomfortable feelings. This means diving into the choices one has made and why. In therapy, it is a step toward understanding the self and how experiences and others have impacted each step in good or bad ways.

With Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, CBT, the idea is that our experiences shape how we think which in turn drive our behavior. A codependent relationship is a relationship where those involved rely on others to give them a better view of themselves.

We cannot put every relationship and every situation into the same category or box. For example, if one is feeling frustrated and yells at someone else to get rid of that emotion they potentially feel somewhat better. The person who was yelled at does not like that feeling when the other person is upset nor do they enjoy being yelled at, so they find a way to alleviate the other person’s frustration and in turn make their uncomfortable situation better.

In therapy, we uncover the thoughts behind behavior and emotions. Where did the feeling or emotion and thoughts originate and how has this become the go-to response when triggered? Understanding that the thoughts that flow from various experiences can have negative impacts on how we see ourselves and others is key

When we can uncover these negative ways of thinking we can finally become free from the entanglement of codependency. Understanding your identity can open your eyes to why you react the way you do. When we can truly see and love ourselves with all our weaknesses and strengths, we find our identity not in what we do or what title we have, but in who we really are.

Next Steps

In faith, we can recognize who Christ has made us to be. When we understand that some of the negative beliefs we have created were from the words said to us or caused by the actions of others, we can hold on to the negative beliefs as truths and alleviate those bad feelings. We find ways to make the pain lighter by doing or acting or not doing or not acting in certain ways.

Uncovering these negative patterns of thought, reframing them in therapy, and identifying yourself with the truths of who you were created to be can bring a new perspective to you and your relationships. No one is perfect and we all have weaknesses. It is those negative beliefs that were created from experiences that we have to discover and deal with.

We must recognize that we will never be perfect, but we are all a work in progress. Our reactions can be triggered by negative thought patterns that were prompted by someone’s words or actions, and we can work to change how that affects our perspectives of ourselves and others. We can be caring and want others happy, but it is not whether they are happy or sad that defines who we are.

As you work to see yourself more positively your need for that acceptance or approval will decrease. Your anxiety over whether you did it right or whether you disappointed someone will decrease. Your worth will be based on knowing who were created to be. God has created each and every one with a purpose and a plan. Learn to love all of who you are – love yourself.