What’s the Definition of Forgiveness? Can’t I Just Say I’m Sorry?

Susie is on the playground. She is excited to play with her friends and enjoy her favorite popsicle. All is right with the world. Johnny is on the same playground playing tag with his buddies. All is right with the world. Then, Johnny and Susie collide. Susie’s popsicle flies through the air, landing in the sand.

Johnny, the reigning tag champion, is tagged. Now, it is the worst day ever, with Johnny’s game and Susie’s popsicle ruined. Ms. Jones sees what happens, comes over, and tells the children, “Say you’re sorry.” The children do as they are told, and Ms. Jones responds, “There, it’s all better now.” They sullenly go back to the playground.

We’ve all experienced a situation like this as a parent or child. “I’m sorry,” isn’t that phrase enough to right the wrong? Words spoken without conviction or sincerity are shallow or empty. We walk away from the playground, hurt and upset. As adults, many of us have not matured beyond that childhood lesson. What is the intent or idea behind that phrase? Forgiveness is so much more than saying, “I am sorry.”

The definition of forgiveness, according to the American Psychological Association, “is not merely accepting what happened or ceasing to be angry. Rather, it involves a voluntary transformation of your feelings, attitudes, and behavior so that you are no longer dominated by resentment and can express compassion, generosity, or the like toward the person who wronged you.”

As 1 Corinthians 13:5 affirms, love does not keep a record of wrongs. While Ephesians 4:32 states that we are to “be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you.” (HCSB)

Do you struggle with forgiveness? Forgiving others? Forgiving yourself? Offering forgiveness? Forgiveness is a process, more than three little words. Understanding and experiencing forgiveness beyond the playground includes:

• Knowing that God forgives you and accepting His forgiveness.
• Forgiving others.
• Asking for forgiveness.
• Being aware of what forgiveness is not.

Know that God forgives you, and accept His forgiveness

We must examine our hearts to determine where we stand with God. Do you feel unworthy to ask God for forgiveness? You are correct; no one is worthy, but He extends forgiveness to you because He loves you and wants a relationship. Out of His love for you, He has made it simple – confess your sins and ask for forgiveness. It is that simple, but it is not easy.

Do you live with shame that your sins are just too big? Do you think, “How could God possibly forgive me for what I have done?” God’s word tells us, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9, HCSB, emphasis added). Living with shame causes stress and may affect you emotionally and physically but confessing your sins and accepting readily available forgiveness is freeing.

No sin is too big for God. Jesus sacrificed by dying on the cross for the forgiveness of our sins. “Christ was sacrificed once to take away the sins of many.” Hebrews 9:28 (NIV) He extended His love and compassion to us, for us. We need to grasp and accept the forgiveness freely given by our creator by letting go of shame, condemnation, and being trapped in unforgiveness.

Being honest with ourselves about our sins and embracing the forgiveness of God allows us to forgive and offer forgiveness to others more freely. “Accepting and forgiving one another if anyone has a complaint against another. Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you must also forgive” (Colossians 3:13, HCSB).

Being free of unforgiveness allows growth in your faith and character, striving to be the person God created you to be for Him, yourself, and your relationships.

Forgiving others

Relationships are at the center of who God is, and they are essential because you are created in His image. They are complex, causing tremendous heartache, and they are also our greatest source of joy. Forgiveness is a necessary component of healthy relationships. “One of the most challenging aspects is that our sinful nature makes it difficult to forgive others.”

Forgiveness is costly, pushing us out of our comfort zone or risking rejection. Still, it costs more to not forgive in the long run, as holding onto unforgiveness will affect you emotionally, mentally, and even physically, while surrendering the hurt and the offense leads to freedom.

When you are at odds with others, you become disconnected, creating a chasm that leads to resentment and, eventually, bitterness. Sometimes, we find ourselves pushing things aside or telling ourselves it is not a big deal, not wanting to stir the pot to keep the peace or protect ourselves from having to face the hurt.

When you believe you have been wronged or hurt by others, you may want to hold on to your anger, wanting the other person to hurt like you hurt, whether through giving them the cold shoulder, isolation, unkind words, or simply being unwilling to forgive.

Examine your heart toward the person who has hurt you because reconciliation is impossible without a heart willing to forgive. While it is difficult when you are hurt to look past yourself, be open to seeing the big picture and your part in it. Forgiveness is the first step toward healing and restoring your heart and, potentially, the relationship.

Forgiveness is ultimately between you and God. Sometimes, you cannot forgive someone in person due to safety issues or no longer having contact with the other person due to death, time, or distance. Forgiving someone is stepping out and taking control and ownership, allowing you to release the pain and work toward healing.

Asking for forgiveness

You cannot make someone forgive you; that is not your responsibility. But you can recognize the wrong and take the time to truly understand what you have done and how it has affected the other person. For example, Johnny and Susie were on the playground; what if they had recognized and acknowledged their role in that situation and how it hurt the other person? Take the time to validate the other person’s emotions and accept responsibility for your actions.

Your motivation to ask for forgiveness is not merely out of obligation but of taking responsibility and making things right with the other person for yourself, your relationship, and the other person. But finding the right words to say when asking someone to forgive you may be a struggle.

Tips for asking for forgiveness

• Remember that forgiveness is a process. Don’t rush the process.
• Prepare your heart and mind. Pray and seek God’s guidance.
• Remove distractions. Put the cell phone away and focus on the person before you.
• Be mindful of the other person’s perspective. See the big picture.
• Take responsibility and own the issue.
• Listen with understanding and empathy to better understand the hurt you have caused.
• Be specific. Ask, “Will you forgive me for ______?”
• It is essential to respond with “I forgive you,” not simply “okay” or “no big deal.”

Refrain from confusing forgiveness and trust. Forgiveness is letting go of the past and can happen immediately. Trust concerns the future, which often takes time and needs to be proven through words and deeds.

What forgiveness is not

Ms. Jones told Susie and Johnny, “There, it’s all better now.” But even Susie and Johnny knew it was not all better. Let’s look at what forgiveness is not.

• Forgiveness is NOT
• It is necessary to remember before you can forgive.
• Forgiveness is NOT denying the hurt.
• It is feeling the hurt and releasing it to God.
• Forgiveness is NOT the same as reconciliation.
• It takes two to reconcile, but it takes only one to forgive.
• Forgiveness is NOT circumventing God’s justice.
• It is allowing God to execute His justice in His time and in His way.
• Forgiveness is NOT excusing wrong behavior.
• It is acknowledging that the behavior was wrong and shouldn’t happen again.
• Forgiveness is NOT waiting for “time to heal all wounds.”
• It is clear that time doesn’t always heal wounds; some people will not allow healing.
• Forgiveness is NOT letting the guilty “off the hook.”
• It is moving the guilty from your hook to God’s hook.
• Forgiveness is NOT explaining away the hurt.
• It is working through the hurt.
• Forgiveness is NOT stuffing your anger.
• It is resolving your anger by releasing the offense to God.
• Forgiveness is NOT a feeling.
• It is a choice – an act of the will.

Forgiveness is a process, much more than saying I’m sorry. It is knowing God forgives you and accepting His forgiveness, forgiving others, asking for forgiveness, and being aware of what forgiveness is not. Remember that Jesus bore our sins on the cross so that we are forgiven. “Christ has liberated us to be free.” Galatians 5:1, HCSB.

Do you find yourself in the playground with your popsicle in the sand or your game ruined with anger or sadness, unable to forgive? Forgiveness is complex; the closer the relationship is and the more severe the issue, the more difficult it is to navigate the road to forgiveness. It may be necessary to seek the guidance of a Christian counselor – someone who is neutral and unbiased and willing to listen, offer direction, and help foster healing and restoration.