Dealing with Identity Crisis After Loss

We can all relate to the idea of being a different type of person at different stages in our lives. For example, we may find our identity as a child of our loving parents or a sibling to our over-achieving brother. Later in life, we may have our identities tied to our spouse, children, or career. Our identity is just how we define ourselves and how we think others perceive and interact with us.

We spend a lifetime creating our identities and fine-tuning, editing, and adding to them as we grow. Some elements of our beings are organic and come from our personalities and heredity. “She’s the artistic one,” is a statement that may be used to describe the person who loves to paint. “He’s Uncle Joe’s third son,” may be used to categorize a cousin you have never met or as a way to link that long-lost person to your family tree.

Some parts of your identity are formed by your conscious decisions. What you wear and how you present yourself to others influences the way you are perceived. If you wear dresses, frilly bows in your hair and have a pink phone case, people may perceive you as a “girly girl” or someone with feminine traits.

Meanwhile, someone who has bulging muscles and wears dark-colored clothing may be thought of as more masculine. These types of identity markers are in our control and can be curated and tweaked until we feel our exteriors authentically represent our internal experience.

However, after loss or a life-changing event, whether that is the death of a loved one, divorce, illness, or even simply aging, all these exterior markers of our identity can be ripped from us. After your divorce, you are no longer referred to as your spouse’s husband or wife, a label you have worn for years. If you get into a car accident and lose your mobility, it’s not likely you will be referred to as the smooth dancer you once were.

Even as you age, you are not as likely to hear people reference you in youthful, favorable, or complimentary ways. These changes to our identity can knock us off course and leave us wondering who we are and who we are perceived to be by other people.

When someone loses their job unexpectedly, they may be unable to define themselves without the title they had worn for so many years. A person can feel like they are “floating” with no defined course and no defined identity. Maybe you’ve felt that way, too, but there is hope to reestablish yourself and your identity.

What to Do When You Lose You

You are not alone. Many people go through identity crises at some point in their lives. It’s a natural part and progression of our human experience. However, when a loss of identity is a result of a life-changing event, it can be even more difficult to overcome. Dealing with the emotions of this can be difficult but so can the grief that results from a loss of identity.

You lose your marriage through the trauma of divorce and now you have to redefine yourself. Your parent dies and you no longer feel a part of the extended family that you have been linked to for a lifetime. Your job ends and with it, the community of co-workers and title you’d come to wear proudly. Your sixtieth birthday has come and gone, and your youthful appearance is only visible in old photographs and your memories.

Your Identity in Christ

Where do you go from here?

You are not defined by your loss, nor are you defined by the identity that was linked to the previous version of yourself. The loss is only a part of your story, but it’s not the totality of who you are. Your former self is just the precursor for what is to come.

God sees you as His beloved child. He does not dwell on your pain, mistakes, failures, or the gossip that is spread about you. What’s even better news is that God has the power to redeem you, even in the darkest parts of your story. He will use negative experiences for your growth and healing, ultimately for His glory.

View this crisis of identity not as a negative season in your life. Rather, see this as a time of change, reflection, and rebirth. Forget what was and focus on how your experiences can shape your future, guided and guarded by your Creator, Savior, and Friend.

Because our earthly personas are fragile, temporary, and evolving, they can change at a moment’s notice. As Christians, we don’t have to adhere to the same restrictive rules of the world has to abide by. In fact, our lives, our identities, should not be grounded in the slippery sand of this earth, but rooted, solidly in Christ.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: the old has gone away and the new is here” 2 Corinthians 5:17 (NIV). This Scripture is not just a collection of random words. It’s life-giving truth. It reminds us that our identity is transformed when we are in Christ. We are no longer defined by our past mistakes, our ever-changing human appearances, or any other human definition.

What is the best part? This identity is never going to disappear or age or gain weight or lose a job. This identity can define you for the rest of eternity. Having your identity in Christ means recognizing and embracing your worth and your purpose. It is measuring your life by biblical standards rather than worldly standards and frail personal achievements.

Practical Steps

Loss may change parts of your story, but it does not define who you are. It may even be an opportunity to help you redefine your identity in a healthy, Christ-like way.

Here are a few tips to help you redefine your identity:

Pray Pray for guidance as you redefine your life and persona. Ask God to help you become the person He intended you to be without the encumbrances of the past.

Be authentic Don’t strive to be what you think others want you to be or do what pleases other people. Focus on your God given talents and strengths and lean into the positive aspects of yourself.

Prioritize what’s important Dissect your life and refocus your sights on what is truly important. If your activities, thoughts, and habits don’t support the most important aspects of your life, then don’t give them time or space.

Dream big Think about what you want your new identity to look like and how you want to be perceived. Cover those big dreams in prayer. Then create actionable steps to help you achieve your new identity markers. Want to be a teacher and make a difference in others’ lives? Start your education or sign up as a mentor at your local school.

Seek therapy Through therapy, you can rediscover the best parts of your identity, even after trauma. Therapy provides a safe space to process your experiences and work through your stuff. It can help you rebuild a sense of self that reflects your true identity in Christ.

Redefined You

Loss may leave a mark on your story, but it does not have to define who you are. Take the first step today. Reflect on the labels you’ve carried and the ones you want to leave behind. Embrace the new you that you are creating and defining. Let your light shine.

Through a renewed focus on your identity in Christ, identifying your strengths and priorities, and maybe a little help from a therapist, you can transform the uncertain version of yourself into a fully capable, fully identifiable child of the Living God. You can thrive, even if you feel you have lost everything, including yourself.

No matter if the mirror tells you you’re older or the labels you’ve worn have all fallen away, your true self can be rooted, growing, and healthy in the solid foundation of the God who created you. That is an identity that is not shaken by earthly trauma or changes.

Getting Help

If you need help healing from a life-changing event or loss, consider contacting our office today at Texas Christian Counseling in Laredo. We have Christian therapists in Laredo, Texas who are trained to help you put your life back together one piece at a time. Reach out for an appointment today.