How to Avoid Causing Abandonment Trauma and Help with the Healing Process

When you go hiking in the woods or a national park, sometimes you’ll encounter a sign that says something like “Take only pictures and leave only your footprints.” This message encourages hikers, walkers, and bikers to be careful with the environment, to do nothing that will cause harm, and to leave the place the same as or better than they found it. This same analogy can be applied to how abandonment trauma presents in your relationships.

It is important to be conscientious and self-aware as you interact with others to ensure that you are loving them well. Knowing how you sound to others helps you interact with them and communicate clearly. While it is important to remember that we cannot control everything, you can be intentional, especially about things that can cause hurt and abandonment trauma.

This article will explore abandonment trauma, focusing on what can cause it and how you can avoid being the unintentional cause of someone else’s trauma. It will also assist you in learning how you can play a role in helping someone else overcome abandonment trauma and move toward healing.

Step One – Understanding Abandonment Trauma

Trauma is defined as any experience of fear and/or pain that does not have the support it needs to be digested and processed. Trauma prevents all three parts of the brain from working together, resulting in traumatic responses when triggered due to the logical (thinking) part of the brain shutting down.

The body then reacts as if the traumatic event is happening all over again. God designed us to be in relationship with one another, and we cannot heal trauma on our own apart from other people.

A key step in avoiding being the immediate or direct cause of someone’s abandonment trauma is to understand what abandonment trauma is. Trauma is when someone is triggered to such an extent that it overwhelms their ability to cope. As a result, they might demonstrate various forms of dysfunction, altering their daily life.

Just as a person can experience physical trauma, they can also experience mental and emotional trauma. Abandonment trauma, in particular, occurs when someone goes through a deep sense of being rejected, left behind, or is led to believe they are unworthy of connection and care. This sort of experience can leave a person feeling sensitive to a perceived disconnection or rejection in relationships.

Abandonment trauma is often rooted in past experiences that continue to influence them later in life. Childhood experiences of emotional neglect, not having essential needs met, inconsistent caregiving, or an absent parent can all play their part in an individual developing abandonment trauma.

A person doesn’t just develop abandonment trauma from childhood. Such trauma can develop later in life, despite having had a secure and fulfilled childhood. Experiences such as bad breakups, sudden loss of a loved one, or betrayals can leave a deep emotional imprint. This can leave a person feeling sensitive to losing a loved one, whether through being rejected, through a disconnect in the relationship, or a loss of some kind.

Understanding abandonment trauma and how it presents will help you avoid triggering abandonment trauma and nurture healthy relationships.

How to Avoid Causing Abandonment Trauma

We don’t always know the effect or impact we have on other people. Sometimes, even a simple comment you make could land quite heavily on someone else, so much so that they remember it for the rest of their lives.

We know that living among other human beings made in God’s image is an important responsibility that we all carry. Thankfully, we have several books of wisdom in the Bible to help us live wisely, be slow to speak, and bring glory to God in all that we say and do.

Learning that you can be the cause of abandonment trauma in others can seem daunting, but thankfully, there are things you can do to avoid causing abandonment trauma in others. The best course of action is to simply do the best you can with what you know, and to strive (as the Holy Spirit leads) to do better each day.

Some of the ways to avoid being the primary cause of someone else’s abandonment trauma include the following:

Have good follow-through Not following through on your commitments to others can nurture insecurity and instability in a relationship. When you’re reliable, it builds trust. Being unreliable shatters trust and causes instability in a relationship.

Having good follow-through requires the sort of mindset mentioned in this verse, that the one who can dwell on the Lord’s holy mountain is the one “…who keeps an oath even when it hurts, and does not change their mind.” (Psalm 15:4, NIV) If you say that you’ll call, then call. If you say you’ll respond, then respond. When you say you’ll show up, be there. Let your yes be yes.

Communicate consistently As you relate to someone, you can show up for them by being consistent in your communication. For instance, being clear about your intentions and your availability helps to set expectations. If you are unavailable, be sure to communicate that clearly instead of withdrawing suddenly or being silent

In the same regard, it is important to avoid abruptly exiting someone’s life or ghosting them. If you want to take a break or create some distance in the relationship, that is acceptable. It’s important, however, to gently communicate that you’re taking a break or need space, instead of simply disappearing without warning. This could cause abandonment or trigger someone who has that trauma already.

Set and maintain healthy boundaries You need boundaries to have healthy relationships with other people. You are two separate individuals, with different tolerances, interests, capacities, and values. To maintain that individuality and your well-being, it’s important to maintain boundaries with compassion. Those boundaries help you and others feel safe, even when they can’t always have access to you.

Acknowledge others’ feelings When you’re in a relationship, you will encounter a broad range of emotions. Part of being emotionally present for someone is to acknowledge and validate their feelings. Validating someone’s emotions doesn’t mean you’re taking responsibility for them but rather indicates that you see them, you hear what they’re going through, and you care about them.

Being Part of the Healing Process

Ultimately, you are not responsible for another person’s emotions. However, you are responsible for your words and actions, as they do have real-life consequences. Proverbs 15 says, “The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit.” (Proverbs 15:4, NIV) Your words and actions can encourage and build up, but they can also tear down and destroy (Ephesians 4:29).

You may or may not have played a part in someone experiencing abandonment and trauma. Regardless, you can play a positive role in their healing process so they can overcome the abandonment trauma they are battling. Again, it’s important to remember that you’re not solely or primarily responsible for someone else’s healing. They must do the bulk of the work. Your role is to be kind, clear, consistent, and present within your boundaries.

You can be a sustainable source of support for a loved one with abandonment trauma by doing and being the following:

Model good emotional regulation When they are triggered by their trauma, you can stay calm, handling the situation with poise and a sense of calmness. This emotional stability models a positive way to manage their own emotional storms gracefully.

Express your needs openly Just as they do, you also have limits and needs, and you must share these along with your feelings so that your relationship is one marked by mutuality and balance. If you do not honor your limits, the relationship can become one-sided and potentially codependent.

Affirm their worth Your loved one is fearfully and wonderfully made, and they may need to be reminded of that on occasion. You can offer heartfelt reminders that they are valuable and not overwhelming, providing them with feedback to shape a positive self-perception.

Offer consistent and safe connection You can show up reliably, keep your word, and maintain trust. You don’t have to be constantly present to do this, and you can be honest and open about when you can’t be around.

Encourage them to seek support Abandonment trauma can stem from past or more recent experiences, and finding healing often requires counseling to unpack what happened and the impact of that event on their life. Whether through support groups or professional counseling, it’s important to encourage your loved one to reach out and speak to someone so they can intentionally pursue their journey toward healing.

Abandonment trauma can be effectively addressed through counseling. Reach out today to find out what options are available to begin working through that trauma or to learn how to heal past issues.