How to Deal With a Bad Friendship

Friendship is one of many good gifts that God gives us. In the wisdom literature of the Bible, there are several sayings relating to friendship such as, “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Proverbs 18:24, NIV).

We see many examples of friendship throughout the Bible and in history; some of these are great, like David and Jonathan in 1 Samuel of the Old Testament, or the friendship the Inklings had. This was a group of friends in the 1930s and 1940s which included authors J.R.R. Tolkien, C.S. Lewis, Owen Barfield, Charles Williams, Warren Lewis, and others.

A good friendship can steer you in the right direction, while a poor one can amplify the worst parts of your character. Having the wisdom to discern between a good and a bad friendship, as well as a good from a bad friend, is invaluable and can save you a lot of heartache.

What does a bad friendship look like?

One of the Christian writers in modern history who has written extensively on friendship is C.S. Lewis. Friendship permeates just about all of Lewis’ writing, but in a book called The Four Loves, Lewis writes at length about friendship due in part to being connected to a close-knit group of like-minded men who shared his passion for communicating truth.

One of the marks of a bad friendship is that it’s fragmented with jealousy. This jealousy can take the form of unhealthy competition between friends, such as when friends begrudge and are bitter about each other’s successes instead of jubilant.

The other form of jealousy that can take place and that makes for a bad friendship is when someone is unwilling to share their friend with others.

Lewis wrote the following concerning friendship, and it directly addresses this latter form of jealousy:

“In each of my friends there is something that only some other friend can fully bring out. By myself I am not large enough to call the whole man into activity; I want other lights than my own to show all his facets. Now that Charles is dead, I shall never again see Ronald’s reaction to a specifically Caroline joke. Far from having more of Ronald, having him ‘to myself’ now that Charles is away, I have less of Ronald. Hence true friendship is the least jealous of loves. Two friends delight to be joined by a third, and three by a fourth, if only the newcomer is qualified to become a real friend.”

From this, we can glean a few things about what a bad friendship might look like:

• It is divided with jealousy and in that way tries to isolate you from other people.
• It’s a relationship in which your best interests and flourishing aren’t the concern. A good friend desires all your facets to shine and develop, and that often means having other voices speaking into your life. A bad friendship is one in which the focus isn’t on mutual growth and edification but on the selfish interests of one person.
• A bad friendship does not enliven you or help you become more of who God created you to be. Instead, you may be forced to conform to an identity that isn’t your own or one that is harmful to you. We often understand and define ourselves according to the group of which we want to be a part. This can create enormous pressure to conform to certain group norms to fit in. Peer pressure makes people act in ways that aren’t good for them. A bad friendship forces you into a mold and behaviors that don’t make you a better version of yourself.
• A bad friendship is abusive. This can be by way of being controlling, manipulative, or even physically and emotionally abusive. Some friends are financially abusive, using your relationship to extract money or other resources from you. If your friend tries to take advantage of you, insults and humiliates you, or physically assaults you, that is not love.

Why We Get into Bad Friendships

The path to a bad friendship doesn’t look the same for everyone. Some people are mired in bad friendships and have been for a while, but others may have gone through a hard season in which they lost healthy friendships and replaced those with unhealthy ones. There are many reasons why people get into bad friendships, including the following:

A misplaced sense of loyalty

A person may be unwilling to let go of a harmful friendship because of how long they’ve been friends or because they have helped you a lot in the past and you feel indebted to them.

Fear of being alone or of confrontation

If a person is insecure, they may find it hard to advocate for themselves when necessary. This may result in allowing unhealthy habits to creep into a friendship, or not getting out of an unhealthy friendship when they need to.

Poor judgment

When you’re young or in a place of hurt, it’s easy to run with the wrong crowd because that’s what feels good now. In the long term, such friendships lead to pain.

Depending on what makes the friendship bad, a bad friendship can affect you by leaving you with poorer emotional and mental health or leave you with legal trouble or debt. Because a bad friendship can change you for the worse, it can cause ripples in your other relationships, such as with your spouse, coworkers, or family members.

That is why it’s important to deal with a bad friendship as quickly and decisively as possible, for your sake and the sake of others around you. God cares how we conduct ourselves in friendships and who we are surrounded by. In 1 Corinthians 15:33, we are warned “Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.” (NIV)

How to Deal With a Bad Friendship

All relationships, including friendships, go through rough patches and seasons of difficulty. Being able to stick with each other through the good and the bad times is what defines a good friendship, after all. That’s why it’s important to be able to discern if the dark season you’re going through with your friend is just a season, or if things have gone off the rails.

Finding an outside perspective is invaluable because sometimes you’re just too close to the situation to see clearly. A good step would be to speak with a trusted person such as a Christian counselor about the situation to glean their wisdom.

Other things you can consider include:

Engage your friend

Talk with your friend about your relationship and the dynamic that binds you. Do they see a problem, and is he or she willing to change?

Pull back

If your friendship is endangering you and your well-being, pull back from it while you reassess things. It may be that you need to walk away entirely from the situation. Be willing to walk away, especially if your friend isn’t willing to change things or put in the work to turn things around.

Limit contact with the person

If a significant part of the unhealthy dynamic is coming from your friend, you can also limit contact and create room for them to get help. If they need to get help, don’t feel responsible for them. Of course, your friend might need support. For instance, if a friend is struggling with substance abuse, you can be part of their support network as they get the help they need. But you aren’t responsible for their journey.

Work through your issues

It’s easy to blame a bad friendship on someone else. Relationships are complex things in which both parties contribute to the dynamic that develops. Even if responsibility lies largely with your friend for the bad turn things took, you need to ask yourself important questions such as why did you get into or stay in this bad friendship, and what needs were you trying to fulfill through it?

Developing that self-understanding is crucial for your growth as an individual, and for cultivating healthy patterns of thought and behavior that will help you in the future.

Get counseling to help you

Sometimes, the reason a person gets into or stays in a bad friendship is rooted in their past, or certain ways of thinking. A counselor can help you become aware of these deep-seated patterns that make you vulnerable to bad friendships and poor life choices.

When you understand yourself better and have developed tools such as communication, problem-solving, and conflict-resolution skills, and when you learn your worth and boost your self-esteem, that equips you to cultivate healthier relationships.

If you’re in a bad friendship, or you find yourself forming bad friendships, or if you bring unhealthy habits into your friendships, reach out and speak with a Christian counselor who can help you cast off these unhealthy traits while learning new and healthy ways to conduct your friendships.