How to Heal from Family Estrangement

Experiencing estrangement from family can be difficult and painful. We believe that family bonds are supposed to be unbreakable and last despite everything we face. They are against the core of family dynamics and God’s design. Family estrangement is a pain that lingers and intrudes throughout life, even when you least expect it.

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. – Ephesians 4:32, NASB

Healing from estrangement takes an intentional desire to forgive and be forgiven. This is one of the main reasons that we do not discuss family estrangement. We don’t want to feel shame or face judgmental advice about forgiveness. Estrangement healing can be complex and is typically done with the help of a Christian counselor.

Estrangement healing will require skills such as decision-making involving boundaries, reunification, and moving forward in life. These are hard areas to change when it comes to family.

Signs of Family Estrangement

The cause of family estrangement is not always known and typically progresses over time. There are times when it can happen quickly due to past tensions and offenses. At other times, estrangement is the result of a continued process of moving back and forth between separation and reconciliation. There are some indicators of family estrangement.

When it seems as though phone calls are ignored, and there are no invites to family functions, this could be an indication that estrangement could be present. Likewise, estrangement can begin with decreases or deviations in regular communication patterns. Conversations might become more superficial or meaningless. Moreover, there can be an obvious lack of physical closeness regardless of physical proximity.

When the intensity of negative emotions such as bitterness and anger elevates, you should be concerned about the possibility of family estrangement. Expected roles may be neglected or refused, as in the case of a child refusing to care for an elderly or sickly parent. Whoever has more power, like a toxic parent or authority figure, may delegitimize the one with less power. This, too, can lead to family estrangement.

Family estrangement can take place on a spectrum. A person may not experience all of these scenarios, but the pain of being cut off from family is piercing and life-altering.

Causes of Family Estrangement

The causes of family estrangement vary but are rooted in relationships that have fractured or been unhealthy in some way. When a person understands the cause, it can be easier to navigate toward some healing. Some common contributors include:

Parental Neglect Once a neglected child has grown up and moved out of the family home, they may become estranged from their parents. They may also stay away from parents who fail to be emotionally supportive.

Different Values When there is a significant difference in the set of values between family members, they can distance themselves from each other.

Divorce The impact of divorce may sometimes cause children to be estranged from one of the parents, perhaps from parental choices, or maybe based on their allegiance to one parent.

Abuse Childhood abuse in any form can be a catalyst for a child to become estranged from their parents. Sexual, physical, and emotional abuse can cultivate toxic relationships for children as they grow up. Once into adulthood, the child may choose to distance themselves from their parents.

Illness Stress from mental and physical health issues can lead to strained relationships and possibly cause estrangement.

Parental Alienation When a parent tries to alienate a child from the other parent or family members, this can result in estrangement.

Incarceration When an individual is incarcerated, other family members can become bitter or resentful toward that person. This could cause distancing, which could lead to estrangement.

Drug or Alcohol Misuse The abuse of substances can cause both sides to become distant and estranged.

Harsh Parenting A child who grows up with extreme discipline can become estranged once they are older and able to leave the family home.

Death of a Family Member The death of a family member can lead to immense stress and cause the remaining family relationships to become severed.

Any number of these factors can contribute to family estrangement. Estrangements can have lasting effects on the generations that come afterward. If it is safe to do so, under the guidance of a therapist, it is possible to consider ways to reengage the relationship. Regardless of whether reconciliation with estranged family members occurs, healing and growth is always possible.

Coping with Estrangement

The first thing to remember about family estrangement is that you are not alone. Many others have struggled to understand and heal from being cut off from family. There are ways to process and cope with all the lasting effects of estrangement.

Just like any other relationship that has ended, family estrangement includes grief. It is normal to grieve the closeness that was once shared as a family or to grieve and long for what never was. The key is to process this grief, allowing space for the emotions it brings.

Forgiveness is important in estrangement. Even if forgiveness doesn’t lead to reconciliation, you can explore what led to the estrangement and things you have in your control to change. If there are ways in which you contributed that you can take responsibility for, do so.

Perhaps you did not contribute to the fracture. Even so, you can work toward forgiving those who have hurt you through the estrangement. This can yield freedom, especially if you experience guilt or shame.

Moving forward with life doesn’t mean you gave up on reconciliation. It just means you can live with the tension of awaiting reconciliation and live happily and healthily. Even if reconciliation doesn’t come, being faithful to the process of forgiveness is worthwhile and healthy for you to pursue.

Learning to be okay with how things are will help remove anxiety about the situation. Rather than continuing to reach out and reconcile, it’s okay to have peace about where the relationship sits. When the situation is accepted for what it is, there is a sense of release that will reduce anxiety.

Another way of coping is learning to take care of yourself. Maintain healthy eating habits and engage in activities that will promote a healthy lifestyle. This includes fostering your mental health. Take time to enjoy hobbies that will encourage you to think about the goodness that you have experienced.

Coping with and healing from family estrangement moves slowly. It can become progressively easier to handle the more you intentionally choose estrangement healing strategies.

Help For the Journey

Family estrangement is painful. It is also more common than most would think. Each person has a different experience, but regardless, there are ways to cope and pursue healing. A professional is crucial in this process. If you are ready for the support of a Christian counselor, reach out to our offices today to make an appointment. You are not alone, and there is hope.