What Is An Insecure-Avoidant Attachment?

Attachment theory was developed by British psychologist John Bowlby as a result of his work with disturbed children who had been separated from their mothers.

His observations of their distress led him to posit that we are all born with a need for close connection with our caregivers for protection and security, and that the way they meet our needs during infancy and early childhood influences our emotional development, ability to trust and bond with others, and our relationship patterns as adults.

As part of his theory, Bowlby identified four different attachment styles, each one shaped by the type of bond the infant developed with his or her mother during early childhood. The healthiest attachment style, and the one that leads to the most well-adjusted adults, is secure attachment.

A secure attachment style is developed by infants whose mothers or primary caregivers are consistently sensitive and responsive to their needs, and with whom they are able to form a strong bond. They feel safe and secure, confident that their parent will meet their needs and comfort them when they are distressed, and learn to have a positive view of themselves and others.

As adults, they have good self-esteem; feel worthy of love; view others as reliable, accessible, and willing to respond to their needs; feel comfortable with closeness; and relate easily to other people. Their relationships tend to be healthy, trusting, and supportive.

Young children whose primary caregivers are emotionally absent, neglectful, or unresponsive to their needs, on the other hand, are more likely to develop an avoidant attachment. As adults, they view others as unwilling, unavailable, or untrustworthy of providing for their emotional needs and typically avoid intimacy and closeness, have a fear of becoming dependent on anyone, and have trouble forming deep connections.

Insecure Avoidant Attachment

An insecure-avoidant attachment is a subtype of avoidant attachment that is characterized by emotional distancing from others and a reluctance to seek closeness in relationships. This attachment style typically develops in response to early childhood experiences where an infant’s primary caregiver was neglectful, dismissive, unresponsive to his or her needs, or emotionally unavailable.

People with an insecure-avoidant attachment may, at first glance, seem confident and independent, but they have difficulty developing deep, meaningful connections with others and tend to avoid emotional intimacy due to a fear of emotional vulnerability and rejection, even though deep down they may crave intimacy and connection.

Causes of Insecure-Avoidant Attachment

Insecure avoidant attachment can develop when an infant’s needs are not met consistently; his or her primary caregiver is emotionally unavailable and unwilling or unable to provide adequate comfort and care; and he or she feels rejected, invalidated, and insecure.

The child learns that bonds with those closest to him or her are unstable, unreliable, and inconsistent; the person he or she depends on to meet his or her needs is unreliable; and these feelings of insecurity and mistrust influence the way he or she forms – or doesn’t form – intimate relationships in adulthood.

Signs of Insecure-Avoidant Attachment

Some common signs of a person with an insecure-avoidant attachment style include:

• Difficulty expressing his or her emotional needs.
• Resistance to physical or emotional closeness.
• Being hesitant to commit to a relationship.
• Fear of relying on another person.
• Having trouble asking for help.
• Withdrawing emotionally to avoid conflict.
• Being over-reliant on him or herself.
• Appearing aloof and uninterested in having an intimate relationship.
• Fear of being ridiculed, shamed, criticized, or rejected in social situations.

Treating Insecure Avoidant Attachment

The three most common forms of therapy for treating insecure avoidant attachment are cognitive behavior therapy, exposure therapy, and attachment-based therapy.

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) Cognitive behavioral therapy focuses on helping you identify and address unhealthy thought patterns and behaviors, understand why and when they happen, recognize triggers, and learn how to reverse avoidant thoughts and beliefs.

Exposure therapy Exposure therapy is a form of cognitive behavioral therapy that is particularly helpful for people whose insecure avoidant attachment disorder stems from early childhood trauma or abuse. It provides a safe, controlled environment in which you are gradually exposed to the feared situations that trigger your avoidance behaviors until you become more comfortable with them over time and learn that your fears are unfounded.

Attachment-based therapy Attachment-based therapy helps you explore and process childhood issues, such as your early relationship with your primary caregiver, and connect the dots between it and the way you relate to others now. It also equips you with techniques for handling difficult emotions and improving your current relationships.

A Biblical Perspective

Though the Bible does not use the term attachment or refer to attachment styles, it does contain narratives that align with the core concepts of attachment theory, such as an infant’s being biologically wired to seek a close connection with his or her primary caregiver as a means of survival, and a reliable source of comfort and security who provides a secure base from which to explore the world.

The following are some examples:

God created us with a need for connection and to be securely attached to at least one significant other.

The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” – Genesis 2:18, NIV

God is our ultimate secure base. He loves us with a steadfast love; is a reliable, trustworthy source of comfort, security, acceptance, and support; and has promised to never leave us or forsake us.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. – Romans 8:38-39, NIV

God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” – Hebrews 1:5b, NIV

Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me. – Psalm 27:10, NIV

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. – Psalm 34:18, NIV

God can be trusted to keep His promises and do what He says He will do. He is always available and sensitive to our needs and provides the ultimate safe haven that we need.

God is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfil? – Numbers 23:19, NIV

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. – Psalm 46:1, ESV

The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. – Psalm 18:2, ESV

The LORD upholds all who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. – Psalm 145:14-16, ESV

Benefits of Therapy for Insecure Avoidant Attachment

Attachment styles are not set in stone, but changing your style can be difficult to manage on your own. Therapy provides a safe space to explore, process, and address the issues underlying your insecure avoidant attachment behaviors.
A trained mental health professional can help you identify triggers, improve communication skills, build trust, and learn how to build more secure relationships and connect with others in a healthier way.

If you would like to set up an appointment to meet with one of the faith-based counselors at our location, please do not hesitate to give us a call. Your first appointment is risk-free.