How to Nurture Secure Attachment in Relationships

If you were to ask, there are likely few people who want to be in an unhealthy relationship. That’s the sort of relationship where conflict is a feature, there is little to no nurture, encouragement, or support, the relationship feels unsafe, and you don’t feel as though you’re seen and known. This kind of relationship is one that most people try to avoid, because it is damaging to one’s well-being.

However, for a variety of reasons, people still find themselves in unhealthy relationships. Sometimes the relationships start that way, but in other circumstances, they devolve and become unhealthy by degrees until they are echoes of what they once were. Being able to form and maintain healthy and fulfilling connections with other people is such an important skill that it’s helpful to know how to do so.

Secure Attachment in Relationships

Each person has a particular style or pattern when it comes to how they form and conduct their relationships with other people. That style or pattern is influenced by several things, including past relationships. What can be particularly influential in how a person forms and maintains bonds with others is the formative relationships they had in childhood with their parents or caregivers.

If a person had a healthy and fulfilling bond with loved ones, that can produce a secure attachment style that shapes how they interact with other people going forward. When caregivers are responsive to a child’s needs, paying attention to them and being fully present for them, that helps the child develop the expectation that when they express their needs, those needs are recognized, seen, and worth responding to.

A secure attachment is when a person is able to have relationships marked by trust and safety. Having your needs met after expressing them and validating your emotions promotes emotional regulation, which is the ability to identify and manage your own emotions. Secure attachment is also marked by open and effective communication of feelings and needs, which are met by predictable and consistent interactions.

When a person is securely attached, and that is their pattern in relationships, they are typically able to trust others, they can regulate their emotions effectively, they communicate openly and feel comfortable with intimacy, and they can build healthy and strong relationships with others. A secure attachment is a key ingredient to healthy relationships and the well-being that flows from such relationships.

Issues That Impact Attachment

It’s possible for a person to get a rough start in life, and that can affect whether they develop a secure attachment style in relationships or not. It’s also possible that even if you’ve had a secure attachment style, it can be disrupted by various life events. Openness, consistency, ability to communicate, and other strengths that characterize a secure attachment can be threatened by the factors outlined below.

Experiencing physical, psychological, or emotional trauma can result in the loss of connection and safety that relationships may have previously had. Other concerns include experiencing physical or emotional neglect; feeling abandoned or rejected by loved ones; being separated from loved ones for a prolonged period; a relationship plagued by unresolved issues or chronic and intense conflict; or betrayals of trust, such as infidelity by a loved one.

A secure attachment may also be endangered through inconsistent or unpredictable caregiving. Not knowing what to expect from one moment to the next can hinder the development of stable and healthy relationship patterns. If a partner or caregiver is emotionally distant or otherwise unavailable, that can also undermine a secure attachment.

Issues such as untreated mental health concerns in loved ones can affect their ability to show up consistently or create a stable environment in which to thrive. When these concerns aren’t addressed, they affect the rhythms and patterns of a relationship, including communication and the ability to meet others’ needs. Lastly, major life changes such as experiencing loss or being uprooted from one’s community can also negatively impact secure attachment.

A secure attachment isn’t something that’s fixed. This pattern of relating to others in a healthy way and forming bonds with others that are open, filled with trust, and marked by good communication can be disrupted, leading to other forms of attachment, such as anxious-avoidant or dismissive attachment styles.

The flipside of that is that just as a secure attachment can be disrupted, potentially leading to anxiety, insecurity, or abandonment issues, it’s also possible to move toward a healthier style of attachment if that isn’t typical for you. With nurture, secure attachments can be maintained, and other, insecure forms of attachment can be overcome.

How to Nurture a Secure Attachment Style in Relationships

There are many benefits to having a secure attachment style in relationships. It allows for more effective communication, which is the lifeblood of a relationship. It can lower the risk of mental health issues such as anxiety and depression stemming from challenging relationship situations. It allows for more authentic relationships, better emotional resilience, and improved overall well-being.

Taking the time to focus on particular aspects of yourself and how you relate to others can become fuel for nurturing a more secure attachment style, with all its resulting benefits. Some ways for you to cultivate a resilient, secure attachment style in your relationships include the following:

Have a growth mindset As you approach your relationships and how you function in them, be patient and understanding, both with yourself and others. It’s important that you give enough attention to the fact that relationships involve growth and challenges. Things don’t change or happen overnight, and while accountability is important, extend grace and leave room for growth in yourself and others.

Practice emotional availability It can be daunting or unfamiliar, but to nurture a healthy relationship, you must be present, attentive, and responsive to others. They, in turn, ought to be doing the same things. Being present isn’t just about being in the room. It means paying attention, listening actively, and indicating that your focus is on the other person, so they feel seen and heard.

A crucial part of emotional availability includes practices like showing affection and appreciation. Expressing affection, love, and gratitude goes a long way in helping a relationship flourish. Prioritizing shared activities and spending time together is also a way to nurture a strong emotional bond.

Communicate openly This includes being able to share your thoughts, feelings, and needs effectively. Using “I” statements, for example, you can avoid sounding like you’re blaming or attempting to shame another person. It helps you take ownership of your feelings and accountability for your actions.

Show empathy It goes a long way in a relationship when two people understand and acknowledge one another’s emotions and experiences. Being validated and validating others helps them to feel seen and heard, and that what they’re going through matters. Step into the other person’s shoes and try to see things from their perspective.

Be consistent and reliable Secure attachments thrive on consistency. When you follow through on commitments made, it provides stability and a basis for trust.

Foster trust Trust is built not only through consistently showing up and being dependable, but also by being honest and transparent. When the other person knows to expect an honest, vulnerable opinion, and that what you say can be relied upon, trust is fostered and sets the context for a more secure attachment.

Support each other’s growth Just as you should pursue your own growth, secure attachment also thrives when you encourage personal development. Being your own person, being secure in who you are, learning to define and maintain your own boundaries – these things nurture individual growth and a deeper sense of self. When a person is more secure in themselves, that can make for a healthier relationship.

Manage conflicts effectively Relationships are undermined by chronic conflict, which leaves everyone feeling uncertain of their standing or the future of the relationship. Learning how to resolve issues in a healthy, constructive manner can help nurture a healthier relationship.

It may be helpful to seek the help of a professional, like a counselor or therapist, to help you understand why you struggle to have a secure attachment style. Your counselor can help you explore past relationships to discern patterns and what informs those patterns. With help, it’s possible to unlearn harmful patterns and develop healthier relationships.

Contact us today to learn more and to schedule an appointment.