How to Quit Feeling Guilty About Failing

I now stop feeling guilty. I let myself out of that prison. – Louise Hay

We have all experienced feeling guilty. You know, that familiar sinking feeling we have when we have failed to achieve something or when we feel like we have let someone down. Failing at something we have invested our time, energy, or money in is painful and can be a source of guilt if we do not understand why we fail or how to react.

In this article, we will talk more about this overwhelmingly powerful emotion, how it affects your mental health, and what we can do to overcome it appropriately.

Is feeling guilty ever good for us?

It’s normal to regret. In fact, the feeling of contriteness is a necessary emotion and is thought to be the one emotion that sets us humans apart from the rest of the animal kingdom. If we could not feel remorse at all, we would be as dangerous and out of control as any other wild animal in the jungle.

Feeling guilty can be a good thing in human society because:

• It causes us to regulate our behavior and helps us to have remorse and take responsibility for our actions.
• It keeps us in line with what is morally acceptable to create harmony with others, which makes us improve our behavior.
• It indicates that what we are working on is important to us.
• It helps us recognize when we have wronged someone else and encourages us to make amends in our relationships.

That said, there is a darker and more harmful side to guilt that most of us may not even be aware of. If left unchecked, guilt can become excessive, all-consuming, and irrational and lead to other debilitating anxiety disorders.

Feeling guilty can cause our minds to dwell on the negative, which affects our self-esteem and leaves us feeling worthless and helpless. It can also lead us to distort reality and feel helpless in situations, which in turn makes us suffer even more.

All these are classic symptoms of anxiety and can even regress into disorders like unhealthy guilt syndrome (UGS), sometimes known as toxic guilt, chronic guilt, or pathological guilt. This condition refers to excessive, chronic guilt that interferes with our normal functioning and usually stems from a distorted view of fault and responsibility.

Those who suffer from this condition often find themselves feeling constant guilt over the smallest actions and can draw quite harmful conclusions about themselves.

The dangers of unhealthy guilt syndrome

It can make us accept abuse

Chronically feeling guilty, ashamed, or self-blame can make us highly susceptible to manipulation and abuse. UGS makes the sufferer feel powerless, as if they have no choice but to accept any treatment. People who are abusive or manipulative can always appeal to that false sense of responsibility or use blame and shame to make it seem as if they deserve some unjustified form of punishment.

It can make us accept responsibility for things we shouldn’t

Compulsive feelings of guilt create a false sense of responsibility where we start to accept blame for things that we should not. UGS patients feel responsible for the needs and emotions of their parents, siblings, and other family members, even when they have had no part in it.

It can cause codependency compulsions

Continuous feelings of toxic guilt can cause someone to develop what is known as codependency, which typically refers to dysfunctional relationships where unhealthy behaviors like addictions, compulsions, self-harm, or abuse are enabled. UGS can cause extreme and irrational self-blaming, which makes being in a dysfunctional relationship seem normal.

Failing is a normal part of being a human being, and that is something we have to understand and accept to avoid falling for this unrealistic ideal of perfection. We live in a society that is ruled by the fake imagery of perfection all around us. The advent of digital media has made it easier for people to inflate everything about themselves, including the way they look, what they own, and especially how much they have achieved.

If we spend our lives trying to live up to these astronomically high standards of perfection, then we may find it impossible to accept our failures. Everyone makes mistakes and has failed at something. They probably don’t post about them, so you may think you are alone in your challenges and give in to the burden of guilt.

There are a few tricks you can use to get yourself out of the doldrums and start practicing acceptance of yourself and your losses.

Ways to control toxic guilt

Be honest

Each time we feel discouraged about failing at anything, we need to dig deep and examine why. If someone has failed an examination, they need to consider why they feel disappointed. Is it because we had something to prove, or is it because we think that the exam was the only chance at success in life? Why not try to take a different exam some other time or try something else instead of wallowing in guilt?

Asking ourselves personal questions from a broad viewpoint can help us avoid self-blame and look at the larger picture and how many other great opportunities to succeed there are out there.

Be objective

If we try to remove ourselves from any situation we feel we have not handled well, imagine watching someone else (our child, parent, or friend) make that exact mistake. People always say, “Walk a day in my shoes.” Let’s imagine ourselves doing exactly that and putting someone else in our mistake-laden shoes. Taking a moment to step back from our immediate situation is a great trick to help provide perspective and alleviate the burden of shame.

Be self-compassionate

When we fail to forgive anyone, we keep ourselves locked in a self-made mental prison that can hinder us from moving on with our lives. How much more of a prison if the person one cannot forgive is themselves?

Just as we have compassion for others, we need compassion for ourselves and seek out opportunities to correct our mistakes. This is a great trick to put mind over matter and overcome that crippling sense of guilt.

Be intentional

When we dwell on what we have done wrong to the extent that it immobilizes us into hiding in the shadows we allow that mistake to become our legacy. Learning how to overcome guilt means taking action to make amends for that mistake. The best we can do is accept the mistake, apologize if necessary, learn from it, and commit to doing better. We can rid ourselves of guilt by using it to help us grow, rather than as an excuse to stay unhappy.

Get help to break out of the guilt prison

So, you see, uncontrolled guilt can reach unhealthy levels and make us take on the burden of things that are outside of our control. We should never allow it to keep us from following our goals and desires.

Our goal should be to set ourselves free from the prison of unwarranted guilt, and this takes some practice and sometimes a little bit of help. A therapist can help create a practical plan of action to alleviate feelings of shame or guilt, with the bonus of having someone hold us accountable and make sure we don’t repeat our mistakes.

Contact us today to speak to a therapist and begin to release unnecessary guilt.