Ways to Deal with Emotional Abuse in a Relationship

If you take a walk in a park, soak in your surroundings in a coffee shop, or look around you as you sit in the vibrant heart of your city, you may have the privilege of witnessing the magic of great relationships. It’s amazing when you see two people whose eyes are alive with joy in each other, oozing genuine affection for each other as they share stories or sit in an easy silence with each other.

When a relationship is thriving, it can lift you to amazing heights, helping you to flourish. On the other hand, an unhealthy relationship can cast a pall over a person’s life. You can see a radiant person slowly begin to dull because of a toxic relationship. A healthy relationship can be a great joy, but an unhealthy one can make it feel as though the world itself is crumbling beneath your feet.

One way for a relationship to be unhealthy is when it is emotionally abusive.

What makes a relationship emotionally abusive?

There are different ways to hurt a person. People are creatures made in the image of the eternal and majestic God, and He loves them deeply (Genesis 1:26-28; John 3:16). For many reasons, people deserve to be treated with respect, kindness, and compassion. When they are treated in ways that cause them harm and detract from the fullness and flourishing God intends for His creation, that treatment is abusive.

In a relationship, emotional abuse consists of a pattern of behavior where one partner relates to the other in ways that diminish their well-being and sense of self. This often occurs through attempts to diminish, control, manipulate, and dominate the other, often through non-physical means. Emotional abuse leverages words, attitudes, and tone to damage another person.

Ultimately, what makes a relationship abusive is when a person is treated in ways that don’t recognize, affirm, and act appropriately to honor their humanity and the dignity that ought to be afforded to them.

Signs of Emotional Abuse in Relationships

Unlike physical abuse, emotional abuse in relationships can be subtle and may not always be easy to recognize. The person experiencing it may even question themselves and doubt whether what they’re going through is abuse. That is a testament not only to how subtle emotional abuse can be, but also how it can even affect and erode a person’s perception of reality.

Though emotional abuse is often subtle, that doesn’t mean it’s entirely invisible, or that there aren’t any signs you can look out for to identify it. Some common signs and behaviors that may indicate an emotionally abusive relationship include the following:

Being emotionally unavailable Intentionally creating distance to make it hard to connect emotionally, showing no concern for your needs and feelings, and exhibiting unpredictable behavior which makes it hard to gauge where to stand in the relationship, are all different forms of emotional abuse.

Manipulation People are independent entities that can choose to live in interdependent relationships without losing their identity. Manipulation is getting someone to do what you want, typically because they don’t want to do it. It can entail practices as diverse as gaslighting, making them feel responsible for the abuser’s emotions or actions, or being blackmailed and threatened to comply with the abuser’s demands.

Verbal abuse Words can cause much damage. Whether it’s being insulted or called derogatory names, having jokes made at your expense, being screamed or yelled at with some regularity, or being constantly criticized, mocked, or having your thoughts and feelings being trivialized, verbal abuse can damage a person and their well-being.

Control and isolation While a romantic relationship is important, it’s not the only important relationship there is in your life. Other relationships, such as those with family, friends, work colleagues, and neighbors, all contribute to flourishing. If you’re being restricted from seeing your friends and family, pursuing your hobbies, being isolated physically or emotionally from others, or if your movements are being monitored, that could indicate emotional abuse.

Feelings of self-blame and shame Feelings may not always be reliable, but that doesn’t mean you should ignore them completely and not try to make sense of what they’re communicating. If you find that being in a particular relationship has left you feeling more exhausted, less creative, or causes you to doubt your abilities, judgment, or worth, and you are made to feel shame and humiliation, those are all strong pointers of emotional abuse.

These and other signs suggest emotional abuse in a relationship. It’s important to trust your gut when you feel that something isn’t right, and you should seek help and support from a wise and trusted loved one or a mental health professional.

How Emotional Abuse Affects You

Before addressing how emotional abuse affects a person, it’s important to note that there are many complex reasons why people stay in emotionally abusive relationships. These may not always make sense to people outside the relationship, but they can feel quite forceful, real, persuasive, and meaningful for the person in the thick of it.

One reason a person may stay is fear and intimidation, where they are frightened by the abuser’s threats or violence. Low self-esteem is another reason people don’t leave; the abuse can break down and steadily erode one’s self-esteem, making it harder to leave. Financial dependence is a third reason someone might stay; relying on the abuser for financial support makes one vulnerable.

Other reasons why someone might stay in an emotionally abusive situation include trauma bonding, which is when the abusive partner switches between kindness and cruelty to create a strong emotional connection. A lack of social support and isolation may also play a role; without support and resources, it can be hard to muster the resolve to leave.

The individual may also downplay or deny the abuse to themselves and other people, perhaps out of a sense of shame, duty, or to maintain social standing. One may also stay due to the belief that the abuser will change, and things will improve. There may also be societal, familial, and cultural pressures at work that may discourage one from leaving even when that’s what is best for them.

Lastly, a person might stay due to a lack of awareness and an inability to recognize the signs of emotional abuse. If a person has been in other emotionally abusive situations or they are caught up in a codependent dynamic, they may not see the unhealthy situation for what it is.

Having pointed out the different reasons why a person might stay in an abusive relationship, it’s important to highlight the ways emotional abuse can affect a person. These include low self-esteem, anxiety and depression, trauma, difficulty trusting people and forming healthy relationships, self-doubt, struggling to set boundaries, physical issues like headaches and stomach problems, feelings of shame and guilt, and loss of identity.

Addressing Emotional Abuse Effectively

Emotional abuse can affect your identity and self-perception. If you or someone you know is in an emotionally abusive relationship, you should reach out for help and support. That could look like talking with a family member or friend you trust or reaching out to connect with a mental health professional.

Some steps you can take to effectively address emotional abuse include:

Acknowledge what’s happening Some self-reflection is necessary and helpful to recognize and acknowledge the abuse for what it is. This can be a huge hurdle to overcome, but it’s important to correctly name what’s happening. Aside from acknowledgment, it’s important to take care of your own well-being, doing things that you enjoy doing that help you feel fulfilled.

Setting boundaries You have limits and ways you’d prefer to be treated. It’s important to set and communicate your boundaries to the other person, as well as the consequences for violating them. It may be necessary to maintain physical and emotional distance from the abuser, as well as restrict interactions with them where possible.

Pursue healing and recovery Prioritizing your emotional well-being and taking the time to heal matters. Part of the healing process is to forgive yourself and the abuser, but without forgetting the lessons you’ve learned. Forgiveness doesn’t mean a lack of accountability – it’s simply releasing yourself from bitterness and resentment. Healing also includes doing things that will help rebuild your self-confidence and self-worth.

Safety planning Taking the step of leaving an emotionally abusive relationship is a difficult decision only you can make. If the abuser doesn’t acknowledge their actions or doesn’t want to change, it’s a decision you may have to take. There are resources available through the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233), the National Dating Abuse Helpline (1-866-331-9474), and local counseling services.

With help, you can create a safety plan that will provide you with a safe place to stay. Part of your safety plan may include documenting incidents of abuse, as well as seeking legal advice to understand your situation and the rights you have. Talk with someone who has training and can help you create an effective safety plan.

Seek professional help In addition to reaching out to trusted loved ones or a helpline, you can also seek professional help and support in the form of a therapist, counselor, or psychologist. They can help you as you do the work of rebuilding your self-perception, setting boundaries, and healing from the abusive relationship.

With help, you can reclaim your joy and have healthy relationships. To learn more about how a counselor or therapist can help or to schedule an appointment, contact our office today.