What Does It Mean to Have Abandonment Issues In Relationships?

The term abandonment issues in relationships refers to an irrational fear of being deserted or rejected by those closest to you. People with abandonment issues have a hard time trusting others or believing that their partner’s feelings are sincere. This can lead to a fear of intimacy and seeing problems where none exist.

Reasons People Develop Abandonment Issues In Relationships

Abandonment issues in relationships most often stem from family instability growing up. Having a primary caregiver who was unpredictable and inconsistent, for example, or being severely traumatized by physical or emotional neglect or abuse. They can, however, also be rooted in attachment injuries that happen later in life, such as an unexpected divorce or breakup, being betrayed by a partner, or the death of a loved one.

Common Characteristics Of People With Abandonment Issues

Insecurity You feel needy and insecure, never knowing what to expect, seek constant validation and reassurance that your partner really loves you and is not going to leave you and look for signs that he or she does not.

Fear of intimacy You may avoid getting too close to another person or becoming fully committed to a relationship because you associate intimacy with eventual pain and loss.

Clinginess On the flip side, you may be clingy, overly attached to your partner, dependent on him or her to meet all your needs, and afraid of any distance between you. You try to micromanage every detail of your relationship and use subtle forms of emotional manipulation to make life feel safe and predictable, which it never does.

Trust Issues You don’t believe anyone is reliable, have trouble trusting other people’s commitment and intentions, and are convinced everyone will eventually leave you. Even when you are in a loving, supportive relationship, you still struggle with jealousy and suspicion, overthink things, and continue to doubt that the feelings your partner expresses are true even though there is no reason for you to do so.

Inability to see things from their proper perspective You tend to misinterpret situations and see problems where there are none. For instance, if a friend is late to meet you, you may jump to the conclusion that he or she is thinking of ending the relationship, assume that someone’s neutral facial expression indicates disapproval, or think that if a person disagrees with you about something that means he or she does not like you.

Fear of rejection You are afraid of sharing your feelings or addressing problem issues with your partner because you think it may lead to a breakup of your relationship. Irrational fears of being rejected or abandoned may also be triggered by small things such as a friend going out with another friend and not asking you to join them, or a partner working late or forgetting to respond to a message.

Acting in contradictory ways You may act in contradictory ways – pulling away from your partner one moment to protect yourself from getting hurt, and being emotionally manipulative and clingy the next, as though you are afraid he or she is going to leave.

Oversensitivity to criticism You view any perceived criticism or feedback as disapproval and a sign that the other person will reject you or leave you.

Self-sabotage You may subconsciously sabotage your relationships by behaving in ways that push prospective partners away, and by creating scenarios that lead to self-fulfilling prophecies that reinforce your fears of being rejected or abandoned when the relationship comes to a premature end.

Trouble setting boundaries You have trouble saying no or setting healthy boundaries in your relationships for fear of being rejected and may go to great lengths to please your partner, be over-accommodating, and place his or her needs above your own, to prevent him or her from leaving.

Attaching to people too quickly You feel emotionally dependent on the attention of others and may attach yourself to new people too quickly and overshare intimate details about yourself to try and establish an immediate connection with them because you don’t trust the relationship to evolve on its own. As a result, you may wind up missing or ignoring warning signs that this might not be an appropriate person for you to get involved with.

Becoming involved with emotionally unavailable people You tend to subconsciously recreate the conditions of your childhood by becoming involved with emotionally unavailable people who mirror the type of connection you had with your primary caregiver, thus confirming your belief that other people can’t be trusted.

Staying in toxic relationships You may stay in a toxic, abusive relationship out of fear of being alone, or because you feel you don’t deserve anything better.

Hypervigilance You constantly check in with friends and loved ones to make sure they are safe, and have an obsessive fear of unexpectedly losing someone close to you due to an accident or some other unexpected event.

Relating to Someone with Abandonment Issues

Don’t take it personally The first thing to keep in mind is that your partner’s behavior is not a reflection of you. It is more likely a subconscious reaction to past abandonment wounds that have led to trust issues and are triggering fear and insecurity, than anything you are doing in the present. Be prepared to prove yourself and gain your partner’s trust by consistently showing him or her that you are different from the people in the past who have hurt him or her.

Be patient and empathetic Don’t tell your partner that he or she is acting irrationally or try to fix them. People with abandonment issues tend to perceive efforts to talk to them about their problems as criticism and worry that it means you will leave them.

Be patient, calm, empathetic, and reassuring, and practice the art of good communication. While it may not necessarily transform your relationship overnight, being consistent in following these steps will have a positive impact in the long run.

Don’t pressure your partner to talk It takes time to tear down the walls a person who has abandonment issues in relationships has built up to protect him or herself. Don’t try to pressure them to discuss their feelings with you. Rather, help build their trust and sense of security by sharing your own feelings openly and honestly, and let them know that you are there to listen if and when they want to talk.

Don’t judge Help your partner feel heard and understood by being empathetic and understanding, and by validating their feelings without being judgmental, minimizing, or dismissing their fears.

Be honest Always be honest with your partner. To someone with abandonment issues, even little white lies spoken to protect his or her feelings can be construed as confirmation of his or her deepest fears and lead to bigger trust issues. So can lies of omission, which can lead to fear and anxiety about what you may not be telling him or her.

Set boundaries Set healthy boundaries for yourself to make sure your own needs are met, and practice self-care, including engaging in fulfilling activities that bring you joy and help you avoid burnout.

Managing Abandonment Issues in Relationships

Practice self-compassion Acknowledge your feelings and treat yourself kindly instead of indulging in negative self-talk.

Journal Journaling can help you identify triggers and the thought patterns they bring up.

Focus on the present Ask yourself if your thoughts are based on facts or feelings, and whether or not they are a reflection of reality. Practice looking for more realistic perspectives based on the here and now.

Consider counseling A trained mental health professional can help you uncover and address what lies at the roots of your anxiety, replace negative thought patterns and beliefs about yourself with healthier, more realistic ones, set boundaries, learn how to communicate your emotional needs in a healthy way and identify and manage your triggers.

If you would like to set up a risk-free appointment to meet with one of the faith-based counselors at our location, please contact us today.