Fear of Abandonment: How It Develops and How It Can Affect You

Have you ever had an experience so visceral that to this day it feels like that moment never quite left you? It could be the first time you saw the ocean, the time you fell from a tree, a time when you saw a project come together and felt alive, or perhaps when you experienced a tragic loss. Our bodies and our minds remember the things that happen to us; they leave a mark on us, even if it’s not visible.

The experiences that you have will impact you in one way or the other. They may contribute to making you more fearful, adventurous, circumspect, or ambivalent. A fear of abandonment may result from certain life experiences, and it can have a profound impact on how you live your life and conduct your relationships.

Fear of Abandonment Explained

When a person is said to have a fear of abandonment, it means that they have an intense or deep-seated concern that they will experience desertion, rejection, or otherwise be left behind by someone that they care about a lot. This fear of abandonment can occur due to various factors such as trauma, past experiences of rejection or abandonment, or because of an insecure attachment style.

The complex emotional issue of fearing abandonment can result in several outcomes, including feelings of insecurity, anxiety, and distress. Instead of feeling like safe places, relationships can wind up feeling like a disaster waiting to happen, diminishing one’s enjoyment of it.

There are several different forms and sources of this fear of abandonment. One of them is emotional abandonment, which is when a person feels they’re not being validated by others, or they feel unseen and unheard by those around them. There is also a fear of rejection or of being dismissed. Lastly, childhood abandonment results from physical or emotional abandonment that occurs during childhood, through neglect, divorce, or loss of a caregiver.

Possible Common Causes of Fear of Abandonment

Some of the causes of the fear of abandonment have already been mentioned. Experiences of abandonment in childhood, such as when a parent leaves and doesn’t come back, when the child is separated from one or both parents because of divorce, being adopted or being in foster care, or being bereaved, may all contribute to a fear of abandonment. The fear is that what has happened once before will happen again but under different circumstances.

Experiences of emotional neglect or abuse may also be possible causes of the fear of abandonment. When a person’s needs aren’t met, whether the neglect is benign or intentional, or if they are abused, it can instill a sense that one’s needs don’t matter. The concern is that in other circumstances, one’s needs may be similarly neglected or cast aside entirely.

Another possible cause of fear of abandonment is past relationship experiences of rejection by loved ones, for instance through a bad break-up. Other realities like being cut off by one’s family or experiencing rejection and isolation in one’s community may also contribute to developing a fear of abandonment.

People experience rejection and loss in diverse ways and under different circumstances. One question that may be posed is why a fear of abandonment may develop in one instance, but not in another.

Factors such as whether a person has emotional regulation skills, whether they are adaptable and resilient, whether they have a supportive environment or not, or whether the trauma was severe and prolonged all play a role in how the fear of abandonment develops and manifests itself.

How Fear of Abandonment Affects You

A fear of abandonment can significantly affect how you perceive yourself, others, and your relationships. If you enter a romantic relationship with the fear of abandonment, for instance, it can affect you in several ways.

Some of the ways the fear of abandonment can affect you include the following:

Anxiety When a person fears rejection or abandonment, relationships become fraught with the anxiety that the axe will fall sooner or later. Even the best moments of the relationship may be overshadowed by the thought that it could all be over soon. As such, in the best moments, as well as moments of conflict, one might wind up constantly seeking reassurance that everything is okay and that they won’t be abandoned.

This anxiety can lead to various patterns of behavior such as being clingy, becoming overly dependent, self-sabotaging by pushing one’s partner away, creating conflict where there is none, or having difficulty trusting one’s partner and assuming betrayal without just cause. It may also lead to possessiveness and jealous behavior such as controlling or trying to monitor a loved one’s actions and movements.

Push-pull patterns. The desire for intimacy coupled with fear of abandonment can lead to a push-pull pattern in the relationship. The relationship may alternate between distance and proximity, which can be exhausting and confusing.

Poor intimacy Because of the push-pull dynamic in the relationship, it can be difficult to establish trust as well as build intimacy. Intimacy requires a safe, consistent, and vulnerable space to flourish, but fear of abandonment throws up significant challenges and obstacles to this pursuit through the push-pull dynamic, among other things. The desire to get close is disrupted by the fear of rejection.

Conflict and communication breakdowns One result of the fear of abandonment is that it can lead a person to over analyze or misinterpret their loved one’s actions and words. What may be an innocent comment or joke may be taken as a serious criticism or a threat to the future of the relationship. This can potentially result in ongoing conflict over misunderstandings.

As one can imagine, constantly thinking about being rejected or abandoned can take its toll, mentally, emotionally, and physically. It can also affect one’s partner. They might react by being defensive or dismissive, they may feel frustrated or helpless in the situation, they may feel trapped or suffocated, they may feel as though they’re responsible for their partner’s emotions, and it may result in their growing distant or detached.

One unfortunate side effect of the fear of abandonment is that it can lead to behaviors that end up as a self-fulfilling prophecy. By escalating conflict to test loyalty, through the unsettling nature of the push-pull dynamic, and because of the overwhelming weight of needing to constantly reassure a fearful partner, the burden might become too great, and the loved one chooses to step aside for their own well-being.

Losing Your Fear of Abandonment

Fear of abandonment doesn’t have to be the way things are. No matter what set in motion the fear of abandonment, the situation can be turned around, and healthier ways of dealing with loss and fear can be found. Some things that a couple can do to overcome a fear of abandonment in one or both partners include the following:

Open communication As daunting as it may be, it’s important to share fears, feelings, and needs openly with one another in a non-judgmental space. The partner’s supportive role can include acknowledging and empathizing with their loved one’s feelings and offering reassurance and comfort where they can. They can also encourage independence and autonomy in their loved one.

Building trust. Equally important is to work at building and rebuilding trust and the habits of trust. Trust is established through patterns of reliability and following through on commitments.

Emotional regulation One of the key skills a person with the fear of abandonment needs to acquire is the ability to regulate their own emotions. This includes nurturing self-awareness and self-compassion, learning how to manage anxiety, and developing self-soothing skills. It also includes being able to identify unhelpful and untrue patterns of thought that worsen anxiety and fear, disrupting these and replacing them with more realistic thinking.

Creating healthy boundaries Every healthy relationship requires boundaries to help each partner preserve their sense of identity and have space for self-care. The couple can establish boundaries and grow in respecting each other’s space and limits.

Learn healthy communication Through supportive relationships and intentionally pursuing healthy communication and conflict resolution skills, a couple can start addressing key issues in the relationship. Through journalling or expressive writing, support groups, and online forums, you can begin learning what healthy communication looks like and practicing it.

Seek professional help Couples can go for counseling together or individually to address the issues in the relationship and learn new patterns of being. Counseling can help the couple improve communication, address the source of the fear of abandonment, nurture deeper intimacy, and develop resilience and a growth mindset to face challenges and setbacks well.

Next Steps

Through therapies such as emotionally-focused therapy and attachment-based therapy, a couple can nurture a healthy relationship. A fear of abandonment doesn’t have to have the last word over your life and relationships.

Reach out to me for more information and we can discuss how these issues might be affecting you. We can work together to help you learn more about attachment styles and begin your journey to overcoming the fear of abandonment.