Dealing with Codependent Behavior in Siblings

There’s a saying that blood is thicker than water. This conveys the idea that the connections and meaning attached to being related to someone by blood are deeper than those of other relationships, and thus not easily severed. Even when those relationships are deeply troubled and undesirable, you still share a connection with your family. Blood being thicker than water does not mean that you can’t change things and must leave things as they are.

For the sake of your well-being and that of your loved ones, there may come a time when you must act decisively to address issues in relationships with your relatives. It might become necessary to take a break from the relationship or set it aside for good. When it comes to issues like codependency, it’s often necessary to take drastic steps to change unhealthy dynamics in relationships.

Codependent Behavior Among Siblings

The term “codependency” is one that’s often used to describe an unhealthy way of relating to others, and the pattern is typically one where there’s excessive reliance on others for psychological, emotional, and physical support. We are all dependent on each other to some extent, but codependency ramps things up considerably because it’s a form of reliance that nurtures inability and doesn’t give others the chance to thrive on their own.

With codependency, one person depends so much on the other that they can’t do things for themselves, and the person on whom they depend often defines themselves in terms of how helpful they are to others. The situation is unhealthy for both because one doesn’t learn to stand on their own two feet, and the other often winds up prioritizing others’ needs to the point where their own well-being is jeopardized.

Codependent behavior often gets talked about concerning romantic relationships and parent-child relationships. However, codependency can also exist in sibling relationships, and it can have serious consequences for those relationships. Codependency in sibling relationships can result from siblings forming close bonds due to shared experiences, particularly in a dysfunctional or unstable family environment.

When kids grow up in such settings where there’s parental neglect, family dysfunction due to addiction or abuse, or traumatic experiences such as moving often or the death of a parent, one result may be that they learn to rely on each other for support and validation. They may nurture patterns of relating to each other that can persist into adulthood, which may be codependent and unhealthy.

Some Signs of Sibling Codependency

Siblings often rely on each other, but codependency takes that reliance and amplifies and twists it into an unhealthy shape. There are several ways this codependency manifests in sibling relationships, and they include some of the following.

Often, codependency in siblings will include an imbalance between them. One sibling may care excessively for the other, to the extent that they enable them. One sibling will thus find themselves occupying the role of constantly rescuing the other from financial, personal, or emotional issues, while the other relies heavily on their sibling to get them out of a jam.

Another sign of codependency between siblings is an over-involvement in each other’s lives. Siblings are often in each other’s lives, but when one or both are too involved in each other’s personal affairs or decision-making, it may point to codependency. This could mean not making decisions without a sibling’s approval or not being able to disagree with their perspective or opinion.

A lack of personal boundaries may also be a sign of codependency. If the siblings struggle to set and respect personal boundaries, such as when it’s okay to drop by the house, when and how to use things like a car, or borrowing and lending money, there may be codependency issues present. The lack of personal space, independence, and the inability to define personal limits could all be signs of codependency.

Lastly, emotional enmeshment may also be a sign of codependency. If two people share one another’s emotions to the point that one’s mood affects and heavily influences the other, that could indicate codependency. When people care about each other, how one of them feels will tend to affect the other person. With codependency, this may go to the point where they don’t have individual or separate emotional lives.

Effects of Codependency on Sibling Relationships

A codependent relationship between siblings leaves its mark on them, damaging them as individuals and potentially having an impact on broader family dynamics as well. One effect it can have is that one or both siblings may struggle to nurture their independence as well as their identities. This can make it challenging for them to form relationships with other people.

Another effect of codependency is that it can interfere with other relationships. When a sibling is over-involved in their sibling’s life, it can strain relationships with friends, other family members, or partners who may feel excluded, intruded upon, or overshadowed.

Codependency often results in one person being overly responsible for another, and this happens at the expense of their own well-being. If you are responsible for your sibling’s well-being, such a huge task can result in anxiety, stress, and emotional or mental burnout. Being so involved in each other’s lives can lead to resentment on each sibling’s part, as well as the feeling of being trapped in the relationship.

Lastly, if you take away another person’s ability to make mistakes, fail, and their ability to cope, you hinder their personal growth and capacity to be self-sufficient. Codependency limits the growth of the person who’s enabled, and it can often also result in a lack of accountability. Instead of challenging unhealthy habits, codependency can perpetuate them.

Overcoming Codependent Behavior in Sibling Relationships

Codependent behavior in sibling relationships can be overcome, but it won’t happen without conscious effort and professional guidance and support from a counselor or therapist. Some of the steps and strategies you can take to overcome codependent behavior in a sibling relationship include the following:

Self-awareness and acceptance It’s important to be able to identify the patterns in your relationship and to recognize when they meet the definition of codependency. You can educate yourself to understand what codependency is, what it looks like in relationships, as well as how it affects people.

Set and communicate boundaries Both of you need to establish and communicate boundaries. These will help you protect your own mental and emotional well-being, enabling you to create space to make and respect personal decisions. Boundaries will help you nurture the personal identity of both siblings, protect your time and energy, and set the stage for withdrawing support for unhealthy behavior.

Promote independence For both siblings, there’s a need to nurture independence and develop a sense of self that isn’t derived from one another. You can encourage each other’s personal growth, hobbies, and social interactions with people beyond the sibling relationship. You can also encourage self-care habits like exercise and mindfulness.

Develop your communication skills For both siblings, it’s important to have a safe and non-judgmental space to talk freely. Honest and open communication can deepen the connection between siblings, and learning skills such as active listening, assertiveness, and expressing thoughts and emotions can position the relationship to handle conflict constructively and rebuild the relationship on a different footing.

Nurture mutual respect It’s also important for siblings to treat each other with kindness, empathy, and respect. Recognizing each other’s individuality and autonomy, as well as the right and responsibility to have their own lives, sets the stage to undermine codependent patterns of behavior.

Seek support You and your sibling can seek therapy, whether that’s individual therapy or family therapy. Therapy is invaluable for unpacking and working through the codependent dynamic in your relationship, and knowing how it’s affected you.

Next Steps

Not only does therapy help you process your own emotions and develop strategies for maintaining healthy boundaries, but working with a mental health professional can help you both identify and address the underlying issues that may be contributing to the codependent dynamic in your relationship. Codependent behavior can be overcome; reach out for help from a counselor or therapist at Texas Christian Counseling today.